Thursday, September 27, 2012

Mother Dear, and little pollywog me

Something I have noticed is that the stress in my life doesn't come from where most people would expect. Or rather where my mother and her churchy friends would expect. 

It's not because I'm Pansexual. 
It's not because I'm Poly and currently dating two people.
It's not because I'm oh so far away from home.
It's not because I've lost my faith.
It's not because of a lot of things.

I'm very sure of my sexuality. I am in the very least Pan, possibly leading towards Demi. I'll let you know after I do more research. But this doesn't stress me out at all. I'm very happy with my sexuality. It's not stressing me out or anything. The way I see it, I have more chances to find the ones I love and I just couldn't be happier with who I have found. 

Which brings us to point two. Surprise surprise, dating two people is not stressful. That is not to say it doesn't have it's stress, every relationship dose. But there's no real drama in my life from them. I am currently dating an absolutely wonderful man, A king among men I would say, Lee, and Ali, an amazing woman who is an angel. Both of them are fully aware of each other and have seen each other over skype and it's all good. It's not stressful because there is a pletharla of communication. Amazingly when everyone is honest and checks in frequently there is a dearth of drama.

Now point three. I don't get homesick. I felt really bad about it freshman year but I don't. I've only gotten homesick and that was over the summer wanting to go back to Hollins. You see Hollins is more than a school it's a home. Your friends become family and it's amazing. I do miss my family that I have blood ties to, really I do, but I don't miss living with them. I miss seeing the little ones grow up and being there for them and all that but I don't miss being used as free baby-sitting at the drop of a hat. I don't miss having them still try and control my bed time and my life when I go home for school holidays. I miss them. I just don't ever want to live with them for years and years or even months at a time again. 

I have not lost my faith. God is a really nice guy and Jesus is cool and I'm actually doing more in depth research about the Bible and more firm in my belief now that I have lost my love for religion. It's put rather nicely here. See I would go to church and slowly begin to realize...I'm not getting anything out of it. I feel more in touch with the holy three when I'm just wandering about have causal conversations with them in my head. I saw the most preachy 'divout' people act hypocritically and very rarely practice what they preach. So rather than fallow them I just metaphorically stood up and walked out. 

What's stressful is that my Mom doesn't know any of this. 

Mom and I used to be incredibly close. We would share secrets and laugh and be completely open with each other. That changed when I went away for my first year. I didn't realize it at first. I thought we were still very tight and snuggly. I would reassure Ali that should the shit just hit to many fans with her family we could run away to mine. 

Because my Mom was going to accept us when we came out. 

I didn' realize it till after my brother came out to her as gay that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to speak up and snuggle close. He's still around and loved in the house but there is this sadness Mom gets for him. This absolute sorrow that he will go to hell should he ever act on that feeling of love he might develop. She made it clear that he was not to tell anyone else in our family and that he was not welcome to bring friends over unless they were women. 

I was at this time slowly poking around and contemplating that I may not be straight. I had always known I could be attracted to guys and that was what seemed to be approved so I had stopped there in high school and not gone...soul searching? But Mom's very clear brimstone view stopped my plans to talk with her and get another look at it. 

So I backed away a step or two there. 

Now the next year she came to family weekend. Met Ali. Spent maybe at most 4 hours with her around, and that's being generous. She then came to me months later and confessed that she vary nearly packed my bags and brought me back home, because Ali was obviously "grooming" me to be her love interest and was going to molest and rape me.

Uhm. No. 

She didn't even know we were/are dating. Ali never takes advantage of me, and should I ever be even the slightest bit uncomfortable, she stops. Just stops and we talk and then maybe try again if I feel better or we do something else. And not a "Come on just relax and go with it" but a "What is wrong? It's okay you're safe. Why did you feel that way? What do you feel okay doing now?" kinda talk. And I do the same for her. 

Not a rapist. 

At this time Ali and I decide that being poly is something that makes sense to us. The idea that love is not a limited amount and by loving two people, one dose not love ether any more or any less. We gave it a try with a friend. It didn't work out for various reasons. This was the friends first time in a relationship so it was hard for her to give us any clear "This is what I want and where I want to go and how fast/slow" as well as other things. So it didn't work out but she is still one of my closest friends Ali and I have. 

This year I, along with my friend Juliette make the realization that as much as we love the Church...we don't quite fit anymore. Mom also starts getting more churchy back home. 

This past summer was very tense at the house. I was trying my plan of "Convince my mom that my school is not liberal heathen brainwashing" so I had to stay quite about my self and tried to put on the conservative, husband-seeking, church loving face she wanted. 

I actively lied to my mom. Actively. To her face. 
This was something that I would have never dreamed of doing before, but if she knew dear Lord...I would be shipped off to a cloistered nunnery. Or if I was allowed to go anywhere for school again it would have to be a coed campus, close to home, and not ever two inches outside of the state. 

I lucked out and got a job working a BSA camp as a Range Master. 

Exit me from house for two solid months. 

Enter Lee. 

The story of Lee, Ali, and Me is a post in it's self, but in short hand, I fell fast and hard. Checked with Ali about every night when I called her to see how she was and she was okay with it ("Go kiss him already!") And by the end of it we were dating. (this really is a post on it's own)

Mom simultaneously aproves and disapproves when I come back and she meets him, and we go out for the last month I'm in the state. 

  • He has man parts=daughter not a dyke!
  • makes daughter happy
  • brought cookies
  • is very much the gentle man
  • Has ear piercing
  • is not in collage
  • hair is dyed

It's like Mom watched to much Disney and expects that to be exactly what I walk through the door with, fluffy animals and songs included. Well Lee is better than Disney, so there. 

She is aware I'm in love with and dating Lee, but not Ali.

And it's not even so much her disapproval that stresses me out but how she will act on it. Pull me out of school, never let me leave the house, never let me leave the state. I am very much protected by those that love me and by the fact that I am across the country at school but I am also very, very venerable to anything that happens back home.

It's just scary sometimes that the one you used to trust most is the one you're most afraid to turn to. 

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