Little Lost One

Mom just miscarried.

She was two months in and hadn't told anyone but Dad yet, and spent the night and most of today in the hospital. I just got the news.

They're not telling a lot of people because, well people like to make smart ass comments about the size of our family. No really, they see ten kids and the filter just seems to switch off. We've gotten cracks about everything from population growth and how dare you kill the environment, to 'Oh well maybe you could stay off welfare if you didn't have so many. We're not on welfare.

So I get the feeling that just the older kids and their close family knows. Most friends and relatives will proboblsy never know that this happened.

After Dad and I hung up the phone I just kinda sat there. She may drive me crazy but she's my Mom and I love her. I can't stop myself from wondering who we lost. Imagining all the different ways a little baby looks wrapped up in a blanket. Remembering how it feels to have one fall asleep when you hold them, or how they curl up to your chest in the shower, tucking their head under your chin.

I want to go home so I can take care of her. I'm the oldest girl, I should be there. I should be taking care of her, watching kids, cooking, cleaning, doing home repairs. Something.

I'm afraid that one day that will be me. That my PCOS has killed any chance that when Ali and I have/adopt kids that they will be my kids. That I'll be the one in the hospital room, when all Ali can do is hold my hand.

Ali came into the room only a few minuets later and she just held me as I burst into tears and sobbed.

And even now, I still can't stop wondering who we lost.

3 day long Valentines day

Yesterday was a very good day. And well it started at 12:10 promptly with a gift/card exchange. Hollins has an Otaku Hall and one of their biggest fundraisers is selling these little plushies called mu. They're really cute and soft and make good tinny pillows or cuddle buddies. I got Ali one of those and I drew out her card. It had a chibi Shang from Mulan under a cherry blossom tree with "You...you fight good." in calligraphy.

Mulan is her favorit disney movie, she loves my calligraphy, and cherry blossoms are her favorite flower.

Ali had been driving me up the wall showing everyone else what she had been making me and I kept hearing how good it was. The wait and hype was worth it. She burned into a wood plaque, in chancery script, It's That Simple.

The saying comes from when we first started dating in secret. We were on my bed kissing and Ali looked at me and sounded so scared "What if we don't make it? What if it doesn't work out?"And I looked at her and smiled and told her it would, but she shook her head, "How do you know it will?"

"I love you," I told her and kissed her. To this day I can still rembure the feel of that kiss, so soft and tender. when it was done I smiled at her and said "It's that Simple."

We spent a while dancing across the floor of the room and being cute before we both realized we should go to bed because of morning classes.

The next day was like a pretty normal day for the most part. We got up, ate breakfast went to classes. At lunch she pulled out a small box of chocolets. It's really sweet, you see Ali hates chocolates to the point I think she has an allergy to them, but every valentines day she goes to Chocolate Paper and gets me a small box of some hand picked ones.

We were a bit more lovey on each other for the day but I had work so we didn't go out to eat, yet. That is going to happen tomorrow after I get back from caving and we go to the art museum.

That night thou I gave her the first part of her real present. A pedicure. The full thing includes hot stones, a full body massage and she can pick a style like swedish or dumi if she wants, a manicure and a pedicure. The pedicure part takes a few times, because Ali gets really thick rough calluses on her heal and big toes. So I got a few new tools and set to scrubbing and massaging her feet and rubed a good lotion in and put on her new shea socks I got her. We checked on them to today and they already feel so smooth. I'm a bit smug over it. Tonight I'm going to have a fallow up with her feet and tomarrow she gets the rest of it.

I must say I'm pretty happy with life right now.

I did it!

I really did it! My paycheck just came in, and I have the money to pay for tuition, and a little extra! I made enough money to stay and I have more than enough to save up for senior year. If i stock pile my funds now I won't be in such and panic when the next bill comes. Now I just need to find a new large, but shortish term gole, so I don't constantly feel like I'm forgetting something.

Love bug jitters

Valentines Day is coming and well I want it to be extra special. Ali already get her hold-abul present because it came out just perfect and I couldn't wait to give it to her.

You see Ali's favorite disney princess is Mulan, and mine is now Merida, so a friend of ours made these for me in secret. Mulan and Merida off on an adventure together. It's fun to pretend it's us too as Ali is half asian and is skilled with knives and has some practice swords. I'm an archer and have very curly hair, brown thou not red.

So Ali got that present a week early and she already knows her other one. She gets a full body spa treatment, hot stones, oils/lotions and a mani-pedi. I really should get licensed to work in a spa, if for nothing more than proper training.

Even thou she knows, and is excited and as much as I know I'm very good at spa like things, I still get a bit nervous I want it to be perfect. In the very least I want it to be damn close.

I know Ali's taking me out to dinner but not on Thursday. We're planing on this Saturday. I have no idea what her surprise for me is. It could have nothing or everything to do with how her room smells like freshly burnt wood as she burns deigns into little plaques. (She has tools so it's safe and the dorm is in no danger of burning down) She's shown other people and they all come back with this smile on their face and no I really, really, really want to know.

It's not alive, thou she has promised me a wolfhound puppy will aper one of these days. with a personalize collar that says 'Pillage'. They are so cute as puppies and then the grow up in to large dogs that you can tumble with and adventure around with.

Anyway back to this week.

Ali is just so wonderful and sweet to me, I want it to be amazing for her. Like yesterday I wasn't feeling very good and she took care of me. She also some hoe made it so I fell asleep almost instantly after she tucked me in and I slept for over twelve hours till she woke me up.

So I'm a wee bit jittery for this Thursday. Heres to hoping it all goes well.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampier Hunter

With the wave of vampier books that formed a tsunami after Twilight, I have always to pick up anything that involves a pair of fangs...that can talk. I still have yet to pick up anything that involves romance with what should be a predator of humans, in my opinion.

Hay Some people like Twilight...I can't get past the abusive relationships...or the fact that they sparkle...or how fucking creepy Edward is...it's just really not my book.

What is one of the select few vampier books I have read and really enjoy is: Abraham Lincoln, Vampier Hunter.

What really sells it for me is how much it reads like a nonfiction. Several times I found myself fully believing the words, and then becoming slightly afraid for my neck.

The basic idea is that Abe, after an unfortunate turn of events sets out to train himself how to kill vampires. He gains an Ally in Henry who then sends him out after vampires, sometimes during his campgen. The speculative elements blend in seamlessly with the historical fact and I do highly recommend this book to any reader.

Classes

Well spring semester is hear and I think I have the money to pay for it. Pretty sure. Just waiting on the pay check to come in.

Classes look really good this term too.

I have a class over ABA witch will be interesting not only because of the material but because of who's in it. You see I work as a play therapist. I volunteer to help feed the farm for the kids animal and art therapist. FRom what I have heard of ABA it is a cold way to deal with a child. Just training them how to act in very controlled scenarios and not really working with the kid.

She'd tried them and they were awful, so she says.

It was a required class for my Child Psych major, otherwise I would have been taking a different psych class this term.

Well the girl who sites right next to me interned at one of these ABA clinics and sings its praises. Went on about how it really, really works and there was so much improvement and yeah...

I know that it probably works from some kids, just like how it apparently really, really didn't work for the little boy I work with...but still we have very different veiws. The discussions will be very interesting. The only down side is the book is $270. So I'm still browsing trying to find it used for faaar cheeper.

That's also my only class on Mondays and Wednesdays now that I've dropped advanced creative writing. I love the professor dearly but I took her intermediate class and I didn't see any differences, including a five page dubbel space limit. So I'm taking a semester half off, Ali and Rose are making a 'creative writing' class for me at the writing center. I won't get credit but I'll get crit.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm busy. I'm also taking my first history class, it's over New Religions and/or Cults. It will be fascinating and the professor is so snarky. Then I'm taking Writing out of the Multicultural Experience. I think I'm mostly going to be writing about my sexuality and my disorders. Its kinda funny I can only get words out about my learning disorders in essays, but my physical ones only come out in poems. Usawaly I'm not a poet.

And then Drawing 1.

I wish I had been able to take it sooner, because I had considered a studio art minnor. It's just so fun and the professor, Nancy is so quirky and fun. She also just gave us a bunch of art supplies with a smile and said, "It's like Christmas!"I'm going to love this class so much, and I'll probably go on to Drawing II next semester and learn how to draw people better.

And I still have plenty of time open for work. Yay gainful employment.

February Cosmocking

So I admit it, I read Cosmo. It's a dirty read and a cheep laugh. Cosmo is just too easy to poke fun at and they just don't get it some times. I thought I would share the fun with you all Starting with this month's issue:

Okay, I'm not a high fashion True Religion jeans kinda girl but what on earth is she wearing? It's a swimsuit...pj...undergarment and pink plastic rain jacket? Okay then. 

Crazy Hot Sex....again! 10 secrets to add to the 10 million we already told you! Whoohoo! Weird Stuff Guys Google About You. Well it can't be any stranger than my google hystory after researching topics in novels. 

Let's look inside now:

Decode His...Bed Linens.

I'm sorry what? I'm really not sure how to respond to this. 

Bed Linens, the newest Psychological brakethrough on dating now in––no I can't do it. 

The Fake Chastity Belt.

Because you can't really say no unless your in a really bad pair of underpants that just can't be sexy. Or unshaven legs, or spandex or anything else that is unsexy in CosmoLand. 

"When I'm into someone, I don't want to ruin things by having sex to quickly. The problem is I usually want to have sex with him so badly that I don't trust my self."

So uhm...why don't you just talk to the guy? No really. Maybe he wants to have mind blowing sex with you too. Communication. It's a thing. Girls have sex drives, so it's okay, you can ask to have sex, and this won't straight up ruin your relationship. 

And if you want to say no than say no. You shouldn't need the excuse of hairy legs for him not to jump you if you don't want it.

No, guess what it means no. 

Can Sex Make You Skinnier?

Well yes actually, but not drastically so. Sex (alone or not) can be a very good work out with a nice punch at the end and has lots of other health benefits. 

But that's not really what they're getting at here.

"Carboholism. As much as it sounds like some fake word the industry came up with, I can assure you, it is a very real affliction."

Maybe it's because I have a health conscious mother who is also an ER nurse that made sure I know how my body works, or that I studied up on it my self but....

Yes you have a human body that has a metabolism that is largely fueled by glucose...and that's found in carbs. Please calm thy tits. Carbs are not the root of all evil. 

Also this do-sexy-things-instead-of-eat-a-perfictly-fine-snack diet only lasted about five days and part of it she was pulling her husband into things he didn't want to do.

Why is this a good idea again?

Q: My guy wants to cum on my face, how do I respond? 

Well do you want his cum on your face? Do you want it on you at all? Why dose he want it? Are you okay with that? Yes or no or talk more? 

If she doesn't want it she shouldn't feel bad for saying no, if she dose yes if she doesn't know well guess what, she doesn't have to know. Yay for women having their own ideas about sex! 

I'm Marrying My Gay Best Friend

And you have five minuets to tell me why this is not a train wreak waiting to happen.

From the experience of being in a relationship where I just could not become attracted to the guy...I have a hard time seeing how this would work. But hay maybe this is just me, maybe it can work. Maybe they have the something I didn't.  

Well it opens with "Oh, my god," I gushed into the phone. "I just met the cutest gay guy!" So we are off to a wonderful start here, aren't we boy and girls?

Well it goes on to say that this man has come to the fact that he is gay and attracted to all kinds of men but only one woman, the speaker in this article. So Cosmo is finally putting something out about how love and happiness can be found in the most unexpected places? That labels and titles we give our selves aren't hard fast lines? Something like that?

No.

It read's like 'OMG, gay guys are the best little accessory ever and I get to take one home!'

"Dating a gay man has it's upsides...Dave basically organizes my entire life. When we're out shopping he knows when to ask "Will you really wear those shoes?" He's not just my date to weddings, he helps me pick out the perfect dress and even dose my hair."

Girls in the Gentleman's Club

Well this. It has nothing to do with girls watching girl strippers. Not at all. It has everything to do with it being about girls braking the 'no touch rule' and getting away with it. 

Okay look. If a guy is creeping on you, it's creepy. Doesn't matter the gender, it can be absolutely fucking terrifying. The creepiness dose not go away when boobs pop up. If there is a no touch rule it's because these women do not want to be touched. And the stroking of breasts mentioned is not okay. Just no.

Please be sure to collect all your belongings as you exit CosmoLand.

It's doing alright

Today so far has been a pretty good.

Work today was alright, he still wont get out of bed to early but when he did we had a grand old time. And he's improved so much. He can work through problems with out melting down most of the time and he can talk himself through his anger. He drew more than just Tomas the Tank Engine. Put his shoose on with no fuss. Better at transitions.

It's nice to see the work you do really helping some one.

Going to do laundry, and finish straightening up my room then hang with Ali and Skye. Maybe start on my first letter to Juliet, who is now in Paris for the semester. Maybe play some more Dragon Age II. That game may even rival my love for Assassin's Creed.

It's fun, Ali is playing as a girl Hawk and I'm playing as a guy to see if anything changes. Nothing dose except your male  love interests are rather bluntly queer if your a guy. Not like they're out being 'fabulous' as you might think but some of the things they say. It's pretty awesome.

I also just mailed in my hours to get payed. I really think I'll make tuition! I do I do!

Then I might go get ether a piercing or a tattoo done in celebration. As I am now paying for everything, I see no resin why not. Have a little fun before I go back in to Dragon Mode where I hoard all my money for the tuition payment of the fucher.

Yep, it's going to be a good day.

So much to do, so little energy

I'm finding I have a lot of ideas but not the motivation, to divide my time acrodingly. Mostly, I think because I tiered from work and have been sick on and off. The stresses of life haven't been helping either I was actually sick yesterday.

I could only stomach jell-o, a nibble of some grilled cheese and sprite for dinner. Passed out on Ali's bed for two and a half hours. She had me tucked in all nice and took good care of me. Brought me water and everything.

I have things I want to do. I want to work on. I need to get started on the web comic I've been doing sketches for. I need to get working on my main novels and maybe a few of the side ones. I need to actually get out of bed with my alarm. I need to clean my part of the room up. I need to just write and draw more. I need to get the short stories down on paper. I need to start climbing again, and hiking too.

I know I'm not depressed, I've had depression before and this isn't that. This is just a funk I need to brake out of. It's been hanging over me since the brake with Lee and all the stress that came with that. I just need to get my room clean first. Then get the sessions at the writing center set back up. Get my work reorganized around the new semester. I just have to get my ducks in a row as it were.

It's getting late thou. I'll start tomorrow on my day off work.