Sunday, March 31, 2013


So stress is back full force.

My aunt and several other mebures of my family want me to start a blog so they can keep up with me. Funny thing is I'm not out to a lot of my family. Including said aunt. Yeah sooo....I had to start up a different account for a 'family friendly blogg'. At least that way when I come out to my family, well it'll also be on the internet so I won't become some family secret. Some of the posts will be copyed over from this one, like the one on Dyslexia, but most over there will be different and not pen named. For both Ali's safety and mine, Ali might not be mentioned, as Mom still get's twitchy at the mention of her.

Papers are showing up in school. I dislike the paper part of higher education. I highly dislike how professors all seem to give big projects at the same time. I think they scheme against us sometimes. I also didn't get picked for an honors thesis. I wasn't really expecting one, but at the same time it still stung a bit. I'll probably just go for an indepent study senior year then.

The biness office apparently didn't bill texas prepaid till just now so there's a hold on my account and I can't get a room for next year till that's gone. The money is on it's way but till they have it no room for me. I'm emailing the housing and res. life office to see if I can get around that. I wouldn't care so much if I was in a single, but Skye my roomie would also get dragged down with me.

On top of all of this, I'm sick so after posting this I'm going back to bed.

You can wake me when it's all taken care of it's self.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

No longer Popeless

So incase you haven't heard today the white smoke came from the Vatican and we now have a new Pope. Meet Pope Francis the first. So far I like him.

He apparently had the support of the liberal cardinals, dose large amounts of work for the poor, is rather humble and lives humbly even when luxury is available. Has a degree in chemistry. Is from Argentina so he's also our first Pope from that side of the world. And the first Jesuit.

And he just sounds like the kinda guy the Church needs right now. Like here's a bit on how he handled his home bit.

"Bergoglio often rode the bus to work, cooked his own meals and regularly visited the slums that ring Argentina's capital. He considers social outreach, rather than doctrinal battles, to be the essential business of the church.
He accused fellow church leaders of hypocrisy and forgetting that Jesus Christ bathed lepers and ate with prostitutes.
"Jesus teaches us another way: Go out. Go out and share your testimony, go out and interact with your brothers, go out and share, go out and ask. Become the Word in body as well as spirit," Bergoglio told Argentina's priests last year." - (Link)  

He is by no means perfect. No one is but you know he might just be what we need right now. And he might actually turn out to be a liberal (by pope standards)  and if not that, a tolerant pope. 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Shooting for the stars.

So I haven't had much time to blog, I've been so caught up in life. But my tuition is all paid, I'm still healthy, my parents and I are on really, freakishly good terms, and I just might get the sports therapy place I want sooner than I thought I would.

Like before I graduate...maybe.

See I work with the one little boy remember, and one of his other therapist works with llamas and is looking to expand. My co-worker and I are both looking to go work with her. It'd be more floor time and play therapy. Well the little quirk of the play that I want to get into and have been tossing the idea around is sport therapy/athletic play.

I'd be the person that we just run around, climb the tree, play tag that sort thing.

Most of all, I'd be an Archery instructor again.

It would help their hand eye coordination, their confidence, and despite archery not being a team sport, the interactions with the me in order to learn will also improve their social skills. As well as a host of other things, most of witch I probably won't think of till I see them happen.

It wouldn't be the first time I've taught a special needs kids how to shoot. This summer I worked at a BSA camp I was the archery instroctor there as well and every week about 2-4ish of my bunch would have autism, asburgers, OCD, general things, and lord knows what else. They all did just as well as the other kids and always seemed the happiest to be out on the range.

Really the looks of horror I get when I say I've given autistic kids a bow and quiver are over reacting. I'm getting trained in Floor Time some time soonish so I can work in the clinic and I can't wait.

Other than that I'm making the clinic a new google and Facebook page, and might have just become the IT support and possibly I might just become the person that wanders through, picks up and takes messages as well.

Never would have thought that my career would have taken off so soon, but I am not complaining.

Two Dates in Two Days

So Ali and I don't always get a chance to go out and just go on a date. It's a nice sometimes kinda occasion. Well this past weekend I got to go on two dates with my lovly Angel.

The first one was something called First Friday, where on the first friday of everymonth the art studios open up and Frogert offers a deal for Hollins girls. Ali and I spent two hours walking all over downtown Roanoke looking in studios, from the personal 'we live in the back behind the welder' ones to the fancy ones that if we weren't wearing out nice jackets might have thought we were hooligans. We talked with a lot of the artists. Everyone seems to know everyone else, it was really nice.

The second was a free movie called 'Hysteria'.

It's about the invention of the vibrator.

You should go see it.

That's all I will say.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Little Lost One

Mom just miscarried.

She was two months in and hadn't told anyone but Dad yet, and spent the night and most of today in the hospital. I just got the news.

They're not telling a lot of people because, well people like to make smart ass comments about the size of our family. No really, they see ten kids and the filter just seems to switch off. We've gotten cracks about everything from population growth and how dare you kill the environment, to 'Oh well maybe you could stay off welfare if you didn't have so many. We're not on welfare.

So I get the feeling that just the older kids and their close family knows. Most friends and relatives will proboblsy never know that this happened.

After Dad and I hung up the phone I just kinda sat there. She may drive me crazy but she's my Mom and I love her. I can't stop myself from wondering who we lost. Imagining all the different ways a little baby looks wrapped up in a blanket. Remembering how it feels to have one fall asleep when you hold them, or how they curl up to your chest in the shower, tucking their head under your chin.

I want to go home so I can take care of her. I'm the oldest girl, I should be there. I should be taking care of her, watching kids, cooking, cleaning, doing home repairs. Something.

I'm afraid that one day that will be me. That my PCOS has killed any chance that when Ali and I have/adopt kids that they will be my kids. That I'll be the one in the hospital room, when all Ali can do is hold my hand.

Ali came into the room only a few minuets later and she just held me as I burst into tears and sobbed.

And even now, I still can't stop wondering who we lost.

Friday, February 15, 2013

3 day long Valentines day

Yesterday was a very good day. And well it started at 12:10 promptly with a gift/card exchange. Hollins has an Otaku Hall and one of their biggest fundraisers is selling these little plushies called mu. They're really cute and soft and make good tinny pillows or cuddle buddies. I got Ali one of those and I drew out her card. It had a chibi Shang from Mulan under a cherry blossom tree with " fight good." in calligraphy.

Mulan is her favorit disney movie, she loves my calligraphy, and cherry blossoms are her favorite flower.

Ali had been driving me up the wall showing everyone else what she had been making me and I kept hearing how good it was. The wait and hype was worth it. She burned into a wood plaque, in chancery script, It's That Simple.

The saying comes from when we first started dating in secret. We were on my bed kissing and Ali looked at me and sounded so scared "What if we don't make it? What if it doesn't work out?"And I looked at her and smiled and told her it would, but she shook her head, "How do you know it will?"

"I love you," I told her and kissed her. To this day I can still rembure the feel of that kiss, so soft and tender. when it was done I smiled at her and said "It's that Simple."

We spent a while dancing across the floor of the room and being cute before we both realized we should go to bed because of morning classes.

The next day was like a pretty normal day for the most part. We got up, ate breakfast went to classes. At lunch she pulled out a small box of chocolets. It's really sweet, you see Ali hates chocolates to the point I think she has an allergy to them, but every valentines day she goes to Chocolate Paper and gets me a small box of some hand picked ones.

We were a bit more lovey on each other for the day but I had work so we didn't go out to eat, yet. That is going to happen tomorrow after I get back from caving and we go to the art museum.

That night thou I gave her the first part of her real present. A pedicure. The full thing includes hot stones, a full body massage and she can pick a style like swedish or dumi if she wants, a manicure and a pedicure. The pedicure part takes a few times, because Ali gets really thick rough calluses on her heal and big toes. So I got a few new tools and set to scrubbing and massaging her feet and rubed a good lotion in and put on her new shea socks I got her. We checked on them to today and they already feel so smooth. I'm a bit smug over it. Tonight I'm going to have a fallow up with her feet and tomarrow she gets the rest of it.

I must say I'm pretty happy with life right now.

Monday, February 11, 2013

I did it!

I really did it! My paycheck just came in, and I have the money to pay for tuition, and a little extra! I made enough money to stay and I have more than enough to save up for senior year. If i stock pile my funds now I won't be in such and panic when the next bill comes. Now I just need to find a new large, but shortish term gole, so I don't constantly feel like I'm forgetting something.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Love bug jitters

Valentines Day is coming and well I want it to be extra special. Ali already get her hold-abul present because it came out just perfect and I couldn't wait to give it to her.

You see Ali's favorite disney princess is Mulan, and mine is now Merida, so a friend of ours made these for me in secret. Mulan and Merida off on an adventure together. It's fun to pretend it's us too as Ali is half asian and is skilled with knives and has some practice swords. I'm an archer and have very curly hair, brown thou not red.

So Ali got that present a week early and she already knows her other one. She gets a full body spa treatment, hot stones, oils/lotions and a mani-pedi. I really should get licensed to work in a spa, if for nothing more than proper training.

Even thou she knows, and is excited and as much as I know I'm very good at spa like things, I still get a bit nervous I want it to be perfect. In the very least I want it to be damn close.

I know Ali's taking me out to dinner but not on Thursday. We're planing on this Saturday. I have no idea what her surprise for me is. It could have nothing or everything to do with how her room smells like freshly burnt wood as she burns deigns into little plaques. (She has tools so it's safe and the dorm is in no danger of burning down) She's shown other people and they all come back with this smile on their face and no I really, really, really want to know.

It's not alive, thou she has promised me a wolfhound puppy will aper one of these days. with a personalize collar that says 'Pillage'. They are so cute as puppies and then the grow up in to large dogs that you can tumble with and adventure around with.

Anyway back to this week.

Ali is just so wonderful and sweet to me, I want it to be amazing for her. Like yesterday I wasn't feeling very good and she took care of me. She also some hoe made it so I fell asleep almost instantly after she tucked me in and I slept for over twelve hours till she woke me up.

So I'm a wee bit jittery for this Thursday. Heres to hoping it all goes well.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampier Hunter

With the wave of vampier books that formed a tsunami after Twilight, I have always to pick up anything that involves a pair of fangs...that can talk. I still have yet to pick up anything that involves romance with what should be a predator of humans, in my opinion.

Hay Some people like Twilight...I can't get past the abusive relationships...or the fact that they sparkle...or how fucking creepy Edward's just really not my book.

What is one of the select few vampier books I have read and really enjoy is: Abraham Lincoln, Vampier Hunter.

What really sells it for me is how much it reads like a nonfiction. Several times I found myself fully believing the words, and then becoming slightly afraid for my neck.

The basic idea is that Abe, after an unfortunate turn of events sets out to train himself how to kill vampires. He gains an Ally in Henry who then sends him out after vampires, sometimes during his campgen. The speculative elements blend in seamlessly with the historical fact and I do highly recommend this book to any reader.

Friday, February 8, 2013


Well spring semester is hear and I think I have the money to pay for it. Pretty sure. Just waiting on the pay check to come in.

Classes look really good this term too.

I have a class over ABA witch will be interesting not only because of the material but because of who's in it. You see I work as a play therapist. I volunteer to help feed the farm for the kids animal and art therapist. FRom what I have heard of ABA it is a cold way to deal with a child. Just training them how to act in very controlled scenarios and not really working with the kid.

She'd tried them and they were awful, so she says.

It was a required class for my Child Psych major, otherwise I would have been taking a different psych class this term.

Well the girl who sites right next to me interned at one of these ABA clinics and sings its praises. Went on about how it really, really works and there was so much improvement and yeah...

I know that it probably works from some kids, just like how it apparently really, really didn't work for the little boy I work with...but still we have very different veiws. The discussions will be very interesting. The only down side is the book is $270. So I'm still browsing trying to find it used for faaar cheeper.

That's also my only class on Mondays and Wednesdays now that I've dropped advanced creative writing. I love the professor dearly but I took her intermediate class and I didn't see any differences, including a five page dubbel space limit. So I'm taking a semester half off, Ali and Rose are making a 'creative writing' class for me at the writing center. I won't get credit but I'll get crit.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm busy. I'm also taking my first history class, it's over New Religions and/or Cults. It will be fascinating and the professor is so snarky. Then I'm taking Writing out of the Multicultural Experience. I think I'm mostly going to be writing about my sexuality and my disorders. Its kinda funny I can only get words out about my learning disorders in essays, but my physical ones only come out in poems. Usawaly I'm not a poet.

And then Drawing 1.

I wish I had been able to take it sooner, because I had considered a studio art minnor. It's just so fun and the professor, Nancy is so quirky and fun. She also just gave us a bunch of art supplies with a smile and said, "It's like Christmas!"I'm going to love this class so much, and I'll probably go on to Drawing II next semester and learn how to draw people better.

And I still have plenty of time open for work. Yay gainful employment.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

February Cosmocking

So I admit it, I read Cosmo. It's a dirty read and a cheep laugh. Cosmo is just too easy to poke fun at and they just don't get it some times. I thought I would share the fun with you all Starting with this month's issue:

Okay, I'm not a high fashion True Religion jeans kinda girl but what on earth is she wearing? It's a swimsuit...pj...undergarment and pink plastic rain jacket? Okay then. 

Crazy Hot Sex....again! 10 secrets to add to the 10 million we already told you! Whoohoo! Weird Stuff Guys Google About You. Well it can't be any stranger than my google hystory after researching topics in novels. 

Let's look inside now:

Decode His...Bed Linens.
I'm sorry what? I'm really not sure how to respond to this. 
Bed Linens, the newest Psychological brakethrough on dating now in––no I can't do it. 

The Fake Chastity Belt.
Because you can't really say no unless your in a really bad pair of underpants that just can't be sexy. Or unshaven legs, or spandex or anything else that is unsexy in CosmoLand. 
"When I'm into someone, I don't want to ruin things by having sex to quickly. The problem is I usually want to have sex with him so badly that I don't trust my self."

So uhm...why don't you just talk to the guy? No really. Maybe he wants to have mind blowing sex with you too. Communication. It's a thing. Girls have sex drives, so it's okay, you can ask to have sex, and this won't straight up ruin your relationship. 

And if you want to say no than say no. You shouldn't need the excuse of hairy legs for him not to jump you if you don't want it.

No, guess what it means no. 

Can Sex Make You Skinnier?
Well yes actually, but not drastically so. Sex (alone or not) can be a very good work out with a nice punch at the end and has lots of other health benefits. 
But that's not really what they're getting at here.
"Carboholism. As much as it sounds like some fake word the industry came up with, I can assure you, it is a very real affliction."
Maybe it's because I have a health conscious mother who is also an ER nurse that made sure I know how my body works, or that I studied up on it my self but....
Yes you have a human body that has a metabolism that is largely fueled by glucose...and that's found in carbs. Please calm thy tits. Carbs are not the root of all evil. 

Also this do-sexy-things-instead-of-eat-a-perfictly-fine-snack diet only lasted about five days and part of it she was pulling her husband into things he didn't want to do.

Why is this a good idea again?

Q: My guy wants to cum on my face, how do I respond? 

Well do you want his cum on your face? Do you want it on you at all? Why dose he want it? Are you okay with that? Yes or no or talk more? 

If she doesn't want it she shouldn't feel bad for saying no, if she dose yes if she doesn't know well guess what, she doesn't have to know. Yay for women having their own ideas about sex! 

I'm Marrying My Gay Best Friend
And you have five minuets to tell me why this is not a train wreak waiting to happen.
From the experience of being in a relationship where I just could not become attracted to the guy...I have a hard time seeing how this would work. But hay maybe this is just me, maybe it can work. Maybe they have the something I didn't.  

Well it opens with "Oh, my god," I gushed into the phone. "I just met the cutest gay guy!" So we are off to a wonderful start here, aren't we boy and girls?
Well it goes on to say that this man has come to the fact that he is gay and attracted to all kinds of men but only one woman, the speaker in this article. So Cosmo is finally putting something out about how love and happiness can be found in the most unexpected places? That labels and titles we give our selves aren't hard fast lines? Something like that?


It read's like 'OMG, gay guys are the best little accessory ever and I get to take one home!'

"Dating a gay man has it's upsides...Dave basically organizes my entire life. When we're out shopping he knows when to ask "Will you really wear those shoes?" He's not just my date to weddings, he helps me pick out the perfect dress and even dose my hair."

Girls in the Gentleman's Club
Well this. It has nothing to do with girls watching girl strippers. Not at all. It has everything to do with it being about girls braking the 'no touch rule' and getting away with it. 
Okay look. If a guy is creeping on you, it's creepy. Doesn't matter the gender, it can be absolutely fucking terrifying. The creepiness dose not go away when boobs pop up. If there is a no touch rule it's because these women do not want to be touched. And the stroking of breasts mentioned is not okay. Just no.

Please be sure to collect all your belongings as you exit CosmoLand.

Monday, February 4, 2013

It's doing alright

Today so far has been a pretty good.

Work today was alright, he still wont get out of bed to early but when he did we had a grand old time. And he's improved so much. He can work through problems with out melting down most of the time and he can talk himself through his anger. He drew more than just Tomas the Tank Engine. Put his shoose on with no fuss. Better at transitions.

It's nice to see the work you do really helping some one.

Going to do laundry, and finish straightening up my room then hang with Ali and Skye. Maybe start on my first letter to Juliet, who is now in Paris for the semester. Maybe play some more Dragon Age II. That game may even rival my love for Assassin's Creed.

It's fun, Ali is playing as a girl Hawk and I'm playing as a guy to see if anything changes. Nothing dose except your male  love interests are rather bluntly queer if your a guy. Not like they're out being 'fabulous' as you might think but some of the things they say. It's pretty awesome.

I also just mailed in my hours to get payed. I really think I'll make tuition! I do I do!

Then I might go get ether a piercing or a tattoo done in celebration. As I am now paying for everything, I see no resin why not. Have a little fun before I go back in to Dragon Mode where I hoard all my money for the tuition payment of the fucher.

Yep, it's going to be a good day.

Friday, February 1, 2013

So much to do, so little energy

I'm finding I have a lot of ideas but not the motivation, to divide my time acrodingly. Mostly, I think because I tiered from work and have been sick on and off. The stresses of life haven't been helping either I was actually sick yesterday.

I could only stomach jell-o, a nibble of some grilled cheese and sprite for dinner. Passed out on Ali's bed for two and a half hours. She had me tucked in all nice and took good care of me. Brought me water and everything.

I have things I want to do. I want to work on. I need to get started on the web comic I've been doing sketches for. I need to get working on my main novels and maybe a few of the side ones. I need to actually get out of bed with my alarm. I need to clean my part of the room up. I need to just write and draw more. I need to get the short stories down on paper. I need to start climbing again, and hiking too.

I know I'm not depressed, I've had depression before and this isn't that. This is just a funk I need to brake out of. It's been hanging over me since the brake with Lee and all the stress that came with that. I just need to get my room clean first. Then get the sessions at the writing center set back up. Get my work reorganized around the new semester. I just have to get my ducks in a row as it were.

It's getting late thou. I'll start tomorrow on my day off work.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

On the Clock

So I have a job that is simultaneously one of the most educational, enjoyable experiences and one of the most frustrating and draining experiences.

I work with a family and their five year old autistic child. I can't say to much on what exactly I do for confidentiality and the like but I can say a bit. 

The boy I work with is sweet, when he wants to be, he's also a five year old boy and five year old boys can be a turd when they want to be. He usawally means very well and just has a hard time relating or communicating what exactly he feels and/or wants. He really is a good kid. 

What's frustrating is my job is supposed to be helping to teach him and then on the weekend I work on his social skills with out academics. But lately he has been sleeping in over half the time my coworker and I have with him and then its a real row trying to get him dressed or out to the 'class room'. Or when he's out there we're having a hard time getting him to do things.

He's improved greatly from when I started working with him. He's better at talking, he's better imagining things, he's better copeing when things go wrong. 

He really is better.

And he's better at getting around what we want him to do. 

It's a stressful joy. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

When we feel crubby

Ali and I are very different when we care for each other when the other is sick. I was raised in a family of ten with an ER nurse for a mom and sometimes had to help care for little sick ones when I was half asleep of sick my self. Also I'm first aid and CPR trained...and the doctor of my circle of friends.

So when Ali first get's sick at first I question her about when, where, how. Run all applicable tests (Concussion, stoke, dehydration, hear attack warnings, ext.) Get her to lay down. Get her temperature. That sort a thing.

If she needs meds I find the kind I think will work best out of my pharmacy of a medicine drawer and give her the right amount. I would watch and give her crackers when I thought her stomach could handle it and always make sure she had water. I'd rub her head so she could fall asleep.

Ali is very good at sleeping it off and usawaly gets well very quickly that way.

My Angel...well she has not had the training, and as long as I'm awake I can tell her what to do. But there is something so sweet in the way Ali takes care of me. Just her default question when I'm curled under my blankets coughing or feeling puke-y.

"Can I get you water?"

It's just the way she says it and her face is so hopeful and just so adrabul. I could feel like dyeing and she still makes me smile. Kinda like a puppy. But much cuter.

She gives a few instructions too. Like:

"Try not to coff on people"

That is for me, for other's especially any medical persons.


I'm in good hands.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Cake pops and Snuggles

It had been a long time since Ali and I had been able to go out on a date. We have nice stay in dates where we just curl up together and watch a movie or an episode of Sherlock or My Little Pony. A lot of that is because I have no spare cash. At all.

However I do have Starbucks gift cards.

A lot of them, I don't get out to much so they just kinda pile up and now they are being put to good use.  Ali doesn't like coffee, or any kind of caffeinated drink but she loves cake-pops. So now once a month we're going to go out to Starbucks and I'll get her cake-pops and my self a drink or maybe a tinny pie. It was grate and so sweet and tender as we just got to sit and snack and talk about the future and our friends and life.

We got back and after a bit of chilling with friends we were off for some alone time. It's also been a while since we were just silly in sex. Goofing off and snuggling and just cuddling close and eskimo kisses. I'd really missed that. And the after snuggles. Gotta love the after snuggles.

I also got to spend the night in her room, not the same bed because she has new pearceing in her upper ear that we were afraid my hair would attack so I was on her couch bed. We were supposed to get up at 11 am today to get around but she set an alarm for 10:30 so she could sneak in and cuddle me.

It's the sweetest thing ever being woken up with your Angel holding you close. Epshally when she kisses your ear and tells you "good morning love".

Its been a good 24 hours.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

To quiet?

So, Lee and several of people that contacted him one way or another (internet-wise I think) have hinted at and flat out stated that Lee might just well, off himself. As much as his psychological health is not my responcabilaty, and as much as he drove me bat shit crazy for a bit I do care about him as a person.

I didn't feel like it would be a good idea for me to call him, so I texted a family member.

and they called immediately because that was the first they'd heard of it. Apparently he's fine, possibly about to join the military. They're going to watch him, just to be sure.

So all is well...I think.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Aw, yay

So Ali is reading a lot more than usawal lately. J-tearm gives her the time. Well when books mention psychology she smiles.

She associates talks about real psychological events, facts, theories with talking with me. So now when ever she reads about it she smiles and sometimes blushes.

I am very happy with this association.

Mom and Dad

So my parents and I are on good tearms. We have been for a while but it just dawned on me yesterday. Mom and I are sending jokes through text back and forth. Dad's helping me with my taxes. None of us are mentioning anyhting like religion, tuition, or politics to each other but you know what, I'm okay with that.

It's taken a while but I think I'm okay with not being abul to talk to Mom or Dad about certin things. I had missed us just talking and jokeing about. Mom and I even went to a spa together when I was down on brake.

I think now it's not so much ignoring the tension and distance between us (Mom more than Dad), it's not bringing up anything that could push us further apart. I'm not saying I'm all peaches and giggles with them, but I'm contented. At least for now.

That's not to say I don't still get nervous about them or anything like that, but it is nice to just be a daughter sometimes.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Irate twas I

So I have now reached the point that I can write more about the split with Lee and the things that went alright. And the things that made me bang my head against the wall. Mostly these are the things that make bang my head against a wall.

So this split didn't go as well as planed. Not the after the part, I had a few ideas of how it would go sure can you bee things will turn out when you tell the boyfriend who dated you in full knowledge of you and your polly girl friend that your

For starters, my web cam wasn't working so this was all done over Skype IM. Not preferable but I didn't feel comfortable waiting any longer. So I told him.
And waited.
And got the response of "Alright? Is that all?"

Several blinks later I replied with something along the lines of "As in in your a in I'm so sorry..." and that went on for a little while. Lee told me not to apologize for being who I was and that made it a little easier and we ended on the note of he needed a bit of time to take it all in, as he was still in shock. After talking about some other things, like his dad had stopped cemo but was still doing alright, his cat was still cute and fluffy, younger siblings were all doing good he said he probably wouldn't be able to talk until the next day or the day after, as he was still in shock. He also said that he wasn't going to out me to his family.

I was okay with this. I needed a bit of space too. So we said goodnight and sweet dreams, I wandered down the hall to Ali's room, told her I had done it and received snuggles of comfort.

So far all was going pretty okay. A bit better than I expected.

Went back to my room, got around for bed and looked back at Skype. Lee had left a message. I full sized my screen and still had to scroll three times. That in it's self was not frustrating. Hard to read as there were no paragraph brakes but the size wasn't frustrating.

What was frustrating was the context and the lack of two days. Context more than the lack.

Was it that I was still pan but not polly? Was it just the strain of a long distance relationship? Do I not feel the urge to get close because we are so far apart? Questions like that, that I had taken under very careful consideration before hand. Admittedly yes, the long distance was straining, and a lot of them were yet other resins to end a relationship.

And then he just didn't seem to get that we were done. That it was over. I was gay he was a guy. It wouldn't work. Not just because of the sex but that there wouldn't be an underlying drive to make it work. It would just sit and become increasingly more uncomphtraul. He wanted us to talk in person about it before we called it off.

I understand wanting to talk...but it was done.

The way I see it is, it take two or more to make a relationship. One to end it. If the one person says it's done, then well it's done. He also seemed to hint at having wanted to date Ali as well, but I might have miss read that. Either way it wouldn't have worked out. Ali says that only one other person has as little chemistry between them and her, than Lee and she did.

I didn't know what to say so I just went to bed.

And woke up the next morning with a voice memo. In short it said that we should still get together...because he was also not completely straight.

And then the texts. They would all be one message but they would go up to 23-25 texts long, so my phone would just jingle for a minuet and a half. Again they were all things that I didn't really know how to respond to. So I didn't. It just kept sounding more and more that he ignored that I was done and texted Ali once as well.

According to her it went off a few times, and when it continued she had time to put her pants on come down the hall, open my door and hold the phone out to me. At that point I looked up at her and blinked "Yes?"
The text alert went off again. And again. And again.
"Oh, I'm sorry love."

She went through it a bit later came back and said, "It had nothing to do with me, also he doesn't seem to get that your gay."

And the texts came again. Some where incredibly guilt tripping. Most where in fact. It was getting to the point of putting a rift between Ali and I. She was tiered of hearing about it, as it wasn't her relationship. She didn't really get why she was pulled into it. She was there for me at first but after so much of "Lee's doing this" it got old. I don't blame her. It was stressing me out and in turn stressing my relationship with Ali and she hadn't even been dating the guy or even interested.

Finally I gave in and called him, like he wanted. He again tried to ask if we could just try going slower.

"Lee, I'm a lesbian, we can go as slow as you want and it still wont move."

The one thing that really got under my skin was that he felt betrayed and cheated on that I was not open and honest about being gay with him...but it was perfectly okay that his sexuality discoveries and pondering were not brought out at all until after we broke up, and only then it seemed as a way to try and get me back. Because "It didn't change the status quo of our relationship".

What. The. Fuck.

Nonononono. If one of us is betraying for an action we both did, then we both are betraying. You can't claim that I did some grate wrong by not telling you the second I thought I was a lesbian but it's okay for you. It dose not fucking work like that.

I also clearly said that I needed time and space about six times. I got that for most of a day.

And then he turned my personal blog into his personal therapy session. I was pissed. Very, very pissed. I recall words like 'asshole' and 'what the fuck' being hurled at my screen and I was seriously second guessing my stance of never tearing down comments. I got my roommate Skye to look up with how much I looked like I was trying to implode the internet with my mind. I stormed down the hall and screamed into Ali's pillow as she patted my back.

Luckily I am much more polite when I respond to things.

Lee and I have spoken a bit since then but I'm not running to rekindle a close friendship any more. I would like to remain friends because he was a really nice guy as we were dating but right now I am willing to just be aquantinces.

Ali and I are doing better. A few good snuggle talks will fix things up better than you'd expect. My friends at Hollins are still cautioning me to keep a good distance. Apparently his lack of spoken word made them all uncomfortable when he came up to see me...and his recent actions were not particularly charming to them.

So yes. That's the less cheerful, less fluffy part of my side of this whole thing. Ta-flippin-Da.


For the recored I didn't come up with this, it was from one of Ali's friends. On of her online friends I think. Any hoo, this is the best way to explain asexuality that I have ever heard and I finally remembered to write it down so here you go.

It's like every one tells you that when you reach 13, 14, 15 you get an invisible elephant. Everyone gets one. Well you get to be 13, 14, 15 and you don't have one. You hear other people talk about thiers. Some even name theirs and sometimes people get together and let their elaphents play. Every one tells you that you'll get one. Yours is coming but you never do. And then you find out that there are other people out there that don't have elephants and that's okay.

And that is how asexuality was explained to me.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


So who do you talk to when you question your sexuality. Well it all depends on you, really. Some people are really good with just the internet, some that friend you see every day and some people even talk to the clergy.

Well this is who I talked to.

Not Lee.

Not even Ali.

Friends that I hadn't see face to face in about three years. Over Skype. It is very handy to have friends that you don't talk to for years and they you just pick up like it was yesterday when you talk again. So we talked about what they were doing and talked about life and I think with one I debated witch legendary pokemon would make the best world travailing compainion. I choose Ente (If that's how you spell it). No legendary I want a herd of Evee's, evolved and non.

And then I told them. "So....I think I'm a lesbian..."

And we worked through that. I got a lot of "Well...I can't say I'm surprised." Or "That makes since."

Only when I was 99.9999999% sure I was gay did I talk to closer friends like Juliet. That just confirmed what I was already thinking. Then I told Ali.

The thing about coming out is, no matter who what or where I still get nervous. Ali is my girl friend and I still had that 'ohshitohshitohshit' feeling.

From there you can all guess, I told Lee and we ended.

As for why I didn't talk to Ali or Lee about this I have pretty good resins. In the very least they are good to me.

For starters, the feelings weren't anything new. It's something I've been dealing with since I realized people don't have cooties. It wasn't a big news flash to me that said feelings were creeping up again and so I didn't news flash it. Secondly, they were both dating me at the time. Not exactly unbiased. Even Ali, who had no risk of my sexuality causing things to end.

Also I've been talked out of being gay before and convinced I wasn't. Yes it was along time ago but I didn't want to risk it, and to be honest I was afraid of something like that happening with Lee. As sweet as he is there is still the:
"So, boyfriend....male...guy...I think I might be a lesbian. Have you any thoughts?"

I just couldn't do it.

So I didn't tell him till a few days after I was absolutely sure, and well here we are now.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

The stress of killing with those you love

So a wonderful friend of mine gave me, on a loan, all of the Assassin Creed games except the 3rd. She has it but in all honesty I don't think Ali and I could get to it by the end of the year anyway. I used to go over to her apartment and play every friday for about a month but then Ali got an Xbox 360 for Christmas and well, now we play in Ali's room.

The Assassin Creed games have to be my favorite series ever. I love many games, and consider myself to be a gamer, but nothing will beet the Assassin games.

Ali and I decided to play together, switching off who had the controller so that we could work through the story. I was excited, I get to share the game I love most with the woman I love most. Win Win right.

Well we had a kerfulf-ful you might say. I'm not even sure how it started but we started becoming defensive and snapping at each other...over a game...and something else but I honestly can't remember what.

We were both just being idiots. It took pausing the game, and maybe about a five minuet conversation on what the hell was up before we snuggled back down and worked out a system.

Ali prefers doing the quests and running away in the cities. She's also better at navigating the cities, so she handels that.

I am better when were out on a horse, navigating, getting away and all that So I handle the in between the city bits. And I'm better at the actual combat. I can get it done faster and with less damage to our Assassin.

After that we just snuggled up and playfully teased each other and all was well.

I know we're not perfict. Far from it. We're real. We get in fights. We have our hard times. By golly there's a few times I would have liked to strangle some since into her, and I would put money that she has felt the same in the past.

But you know what, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Rivers could run through it,

They really could with how much someone's identity could change, and dose change. It's a part of life. People change religion, politics, sexuality, all of that and even smaller things too like food prefrance. All of these make up the identity that people think of when they think of you, or that you think of when thinking about yourself.

Sometimes you figure out things that won't change. Like I did when I discovered I was a lesbian. That's not going to change anytime soon. At all really. But other parts I can see changing. I can see me finding out I'm really just a monogamous lesbian. No swinger. No bi romatisium.

And I'm okay with that. It's part of being human is wiggling around, finding out who you are and then learning to love your self and let your self be loved so that you can love other's to the fullest in return.

As for know, this is what I'm pretty sure I am and can see me being for the rest of my life. Swinger and all that jazz.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Let's try this again,

So here is the updated of who I am/identify as, and the such... using otters. I do love otters.

Now here's me. I write novels and short stories and I'm working on a web comic. I enjoy snuggles, movies, riddles and adventures. I'm a gamer and and I like curling up with a good book. I work with a five year old autistic child in play therapy for a job. And by the way I'm about as straight as a fruit loop.

So let's hop on that loop and work things out now shall we?

So for starters I'm a Lesbian as you probably know by know. I'm poly, but I'm starting to think not in the same way I was before. Oh yeah, and bi romantic. Ta-Da!


It's pretty straight forward. I like women. I'm gay. I can't really comprehend a long term, living together, romantic, physical relationship with a man. I kiss girls and I like it. I am currently with a woman as you are also well aware. Ali is truly and angel and a remarkable woman. There are days I look at her and wonder how I could ever be so lucky. We fit together like puzzle pieces when we snuggle. She just feels so right in my arms or when I kiss her. One might call her my significant otter.

I do day dream of that wedding kiss and plan it out and giggel. I do brows rings that I can't yet aford. I am most incredibly in love with a girl.


I still am Poly. Juuust after much deep thought, I realized I'm not the same level of poly as my Angel Love. The best word I can give you is swinger. I have my one person, Ali, and no matter who else comes in and out Ali will always be my priority. I am okay with having...flings I guess you could call them. Things that I and other persons do in full knowledge that it's not long tearm. This may or may not be sex. Not sure yet. These could last just one night or a few months. Dates, snuggles, talks. All the fun stuff. Just understood that it's not leading to anything remotely like a wedding bell.

As for Ali we sat and had a good talk and it is cleared up that I am okay with her still going out and finding as many loves as she wants, and that she can do what she wants with them. I know that I have a special spot in her heart and no one else can take my spot because no one else is shaped like me to fit my spot. I am just to be kept in the loop and lines of communication are to be open. Should I ever feel jealous or mer I am to go talk to her about it. Should she ever feel jealous or mer of what I do she is to come talk to me about it. If for what ever resin we don't like the other person we are to talk about it. Other person is to know of us before they agree to any commitment.

Talks can be had during snuggles.

There is just really a lot of talking.

(This blog post was brought to you by communication. Try it today!)

Bi Romantic:

I am a lesbian. Yes. Hold on to that. Gay. Got it? Good. Okay so I think I might be bi romantic.

Again this is very much like the swinger part because these won't go any where, especially with guys...buuut dates are fun. They make people feel good and warm and fuzzy. As long as Ali says she's okay with person B and person B's significant otter or lack of one is okay with it, B and I can go have a grand old time. There will probably be a check in with B's person to make sure I'm not just being used to cheat. Poly is cool, cheating is not.

The Bi Romantic part and the Swinger part of me are very close together, but you know what, talked with Ali, and should I date a guy again for x resin she is okay with it. I just need to stay safe and keep her in the loop. Again Ali knows that she can not be replaced, just as I know I can not.

Sooo Stuff:

The wonderful thing about this all is, I might have to do another one of these. Identities can change. I am a lesbian. I know that. I really don't see that ever changing but I might find out later that you know what I'm not Polly. I might find out I'm not bi romantic. I might find out that I like brussle sprouts again and think they're yummy. It's really that much not a big deal. Sometimes it feels like we're all rushed to label ourselves and I admit the labels make things easier to talk about, and think about when you are a confused little teenager, but those labels don't have to be permanit.

Life threw me this red cup that is 'hay you might like guys' I tried it out, tried to make it work, and nope. So I stopped saying I was pan. Ta-Da. The world didn't end. Next please.

It's really okay to change your mind, change your identity, because in all actuality it doesn't really change who you are. I am still me, and you will still be you.

Monday, January 14, 2013

My mother is not a momster

she only seems that way from time to time. Well a lot of the time but she's not a monster or even really a bitch or anything. She can sure act bitchy but she's not a bitch.

She dose not support gay rights. She tries very hard to get her children to be as full of faith as she is. She isn't good with words when put on the spot, which sucks because those moments are the ones that make the lasting impressions. She has a lot of flaws but as much as I talk about her negatively, she's not a bad person.

I do love my mom very much. She drives me bat shit insane, but I love her.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Sometimes I need to be held

Sometimes I get scared.

Scared I won't be abel to make enough to stay at Hollins.

Scared that the crap that seems to fallow me like a lost puppy will become to much for Ali and she'll leave me one day.

Scared of getting stuck in Texas.

Scared of my family.

Scared that they won't show to my graduation or wedding.

Scared that I will fail.

To scared to ask for help sometimes, usually because it's in front of people I don't know.

They come and go, but today was just rough in a few spots. spread out enough to make it the length of the day, but not close enough to really clue anyone, including me, in till the end when it all just boiled over. I sobbed in Ali's arms for what felt like an hour. We eventually reached the verdict that things would be better in the morning and I should just go to bed, so she kissed me good night and went back to her room. I do feel better after crying it out, because I know that I can do things. I can handle things, but damn it all I am allowed to brake down from time to time and just bloody cry.

Sometimes that's all you feel you can do because it seems like you life is like squirrels dueling to the death with light-sabers.

As amazed as I would be to see the Hollins squirrels do that, it sucks when it feels like President Snow's squirrely amusement is what is deciding the factors of my life. 

I will make the payment this semester. And the one after that. And the one after that. One way or another. 

Ali and I are strong enough together to withstand any crap, bull shit, or hard time. We both know we don't have a fairy tail love story. What we have is real. It's been hard, at times down right shitty. But nothing has ever felt more real than standing by her, holding her, and being stood by and held. 

I will not go back to Texas anytime soon to live and if I do it will be for a very good resin and it will not be 'stuck'. Like holy-shit-this-job-is-amazing-beyond-words resin. 

Not having my family there like they used to be is pretty shitty but it's also made me realize how much I can stand on my own. I can even sing and dance. 

I can't control what they do. I accept that. They will get the invitation but I can't make them come.

I will fall but by the fact that I refuse to stay down I will never fail.

This will take work. I can be incredibly shy sometimes with no rhyme or resin. Very soft spoken. Ali suggested I just text her then when I need to talk so I don't have to say it in front of people. I think I'll do that.

I know that I will brake down again. Not soon, as it dosn't happen often. But one day I will just need to cry and be held, but that's okay. We all brake down from time to time and it never means we are week, it doesn't even mean we're strong. It means we're human.

And being human is always easier when you have an Angel of a love to hold you.

Friday, January 11, 2013

I may have swooned a bit

I have the sweetest, most romantic girl friends ever.

It's J-tearm here at Hollins and that means that for the whole month we just take one class that's really fun and there are a lot of extra activities that Hollins puts on for us.

Like last night.

At dinner there was a mechanical bull and karaoke.

I did the bull twice, sadly with out my cowgirl hat. I got about 30 seconds the first time because the guy was easing people into it before realizing a few of us don't come off easy. Even with the one hand rule. That time I hit the back of the bull bounced and landed 'gracfuly' in a heap in the padded arena. Second time he didn't warm up at all and instantly went full speed and spin.

Lasted about 12 seconds there, the dismount was fun, there was one full spin I was parallel to the bull and then lots of summersaults into the inflatable wall.

Of any about to face the bull the trick is to grip with your calfs and knees but keep your hips louse and move with it.

And then the karaoke.

We were about to leave when Ali asked us to wait just one more minuet she had a song she wanted us to hear. I will preface this with the fact that I love country love songs. Replace 'baby' with my name.

She used this song. With in the first two notes I had gone bright pink with my hand over my mouth and was a bright, bright pink. At the first mention of my name Juliet started pushing me to go up front next to her. By the chorus I was right next to her, and well I started singing back. I switched 'baby' with 'Angel'

I usawaly don't like singing in front of people, but I just didn't see them. Or hear them when they all started 'awww'ing or clapping. Just my Angel. And I couldn't stop smiling, my cheeks were starting to hurt a bit.

It took a lot of restraint to wait for the end of the song to kiss her proper.

I may have swooned just a bit. She really is an Angel to me.

My self do better...ness thing...

So here they are. My New Years Resolutions...Ideas...Plans.... I don't really do this but it seems like a good thing to try and put down on paper, or well internet.

  • Draw at least five times a week even if it's just a doodle. 
  • Take a walk at least once a week. 
  • Eat in a genrally healthier fashion. 
  • Write more letters.
  • Start crafting again, at least one per month.
  • Read for fun more often.
  • Talk to old friends more often.
  • Draw on the sidewalks with chalk. (maybe try for that giant mural thing I've always wanted to do)
  • Spend more time just thinking.
That's about it. Anyone doing anything cool for resolutions? 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Swings anyone?

So in the wonderful journey that is self exploration I've learned a lot of new things about myself. Starting with but not limited to I'm a Lesbian, I'm a Swinger, I might be claustrophobic in certen situations (thank you disney), and other things.

So now onto the other part of my identity...reform I guess you could call it.

I still fall under the Polly spectrum of loves. I still am okay with loving more than one, I have found how ever that I am not the same as Ali on this. Ali is what I would call the classic. She can carry on multiple relationships of varying degrees and love everyone all the same and bee cool with it.

I'm more of a swinger. I have my one person that I love above all else (Ali) and am okay with fun dates, cuddels, and small kisses with some one else as long as it is understood that this is a fun thing that won't go anywhere at all and may end or be put on hold at any time, depending on the people involved.

So that's that. Not much a back story on that. Just a lot of me flopped on my bed listening to music and thinking.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Bring out the Sonic Rainbooms!

Well let's get started on the hows and the whys shall we. And for all of you who get the tittle reference well you're 20% cooler now. 

So I'm gay. After all the years of denying it to myself and to others, I admit it. I am a Lesbian. Right now it still kinda sucks because I just ended it with the most amazing man in the world, so as comfortable as I am with myself, and as much as I know it was best, I can't say I'm to happy with my self just yet. I know I will be eventually but right now it's still raw on my end and I can only imagine what it must be like for Lee. 

So lets get started in high school, that's about when the *oh look at all the other attractive people* started. I as said before crushed on Femmy. She was smart, pretty, and was a very good author. Mom said no I wasn't and I shut up about it and somehow managed to ignore the part of my brain that said "look at all the pretty girls, don't they look lovely?"  I ignored, somehow, how much I wanted to do the sorta things seen in movies between guys and girls with another girl.

I had one official boy friend. I met him freshman year by being set up on a blind date to cotillion with him and then later I asked him out to the homecoming dance our junior year. He was actually a lot like Lee. Very sweet. Very old fashion. Very much wanted to spend time with me, he even joined the guard to do so. Very good with written words. 

We dated for about a year and a half. In that time we had brief fleeting kisses and never really moved past that. It took about a year for me to come to terms that the mystical majical 'spark' that supposedly drive a new relationship wasn't there. That the feelings my friends described having for their boyfriends I just didn't have. When I admitted that Nathaniel and I just hadn't made out and had been dating for at that time over a year she stared at me open mouthed, "What have you been doing all this time!?" To witch I responded "Uh, taking it slow I suppose."I broke it off with him two thirds of the way through our senior year. Not ready to admit who I wanted but unable to deny that it wasn't working. 

And then ignored how much I wanted to start something up with one of my closest friends. She is still one of my closest friends, and has a wonderful boy friend that she loves and is very happy with him. I ignored how much all through high school I just wasn't into guys. I told my self that it was just because high school boys were all idiots and when I dated Nathaniel I had snagged the one good one. When I broke it off with him it wasn't that I didn't care about him. I did still love him. But I knew that it wasn't the love that everyone talked, and wrote, and made movies over. It was like the love between Mary and Pippin. Or Frodo and Sam. Brotherly, close friendship love. You'd go everywhere from Gondor to Mount Doom for them but your not looking to steal kisses and snuggles when the Fellowship isn't looking. 

Because I couldn't like girls. Mom had said so. And people didn't just like girls. To be honest for a while I considered just being a spinster. Just not deal with it. 

My fondness for the female body had nothing to do with me picking Hollins as a school but not a day has gone by that I haven't been thankful for the sisterhood I found here and that I haven't fallen even more in love with the Green and Gold. The most relevant parts about Hollins for this post are was how far away it was from parental influence, and how supportive it was. Here for the first time I had the space to think for my self. Truly for my self with my own devices. I have yet to find a more loving community than that of the Hollins women. One of us could stand up in Moody and yell to the heavens our sexuality and/or gender identity and the rest of Moody if they reacted at all it would be in apualse or hugs or some people yelling "Me too!"

So as stated before, freshman year I fell for Ang, one of my friends. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and well single. I wanted her. Not possessively or anything, but I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to kissed her nose in such a way that she would giggle and blush and call me silly. I wanted to hold her as I feel asleep with her all ready snoozing in my arms. I wanted to kiss her. 

I felt away that I could never describe feeling for a guy. Not by any stretch. 

I didn't prasue her because I thought that she was too old fashion and wouldn't return my feelings. I valued our friendship so much that I was content to just day dream of snuggles and be there for her how she wanted me. Turned out that she wasn't a natural shade of pink that I always saw her in and wanted me too but didn't say anything because she thought I was too Catholic and all that. As said before she now has a wonderful loving feance and I am very happy for them.  I crushed on sevral women.

Then Ali. Beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented as a goddess, snuggly as a stuffed animal, loving Ali. This parts runs a lot like when I found out I was pan, or at least I thought I was pan. Baby steps. Baby steps. 

For awhile I was just straight with the exception of my Angel Ali. With Ali I had that drive. I actively tried to get closer physicly. With Ali I finally got what everyone was talking about. I understood the need to be close to someone. The need to keep them safe. The need to let them explore. The need for aspirin because it can all be so confusing and overwhelming. The need to just be there for them how ever they let you be there. With Ali we snuck kisses when the Fellowship wasn't looking. With Ali everything was better even when we had fights. It's this indescribable feeling, that is still strong for me. Very strong. Despite the fact that now we don't sneak around for kisses, being out on campus, and the pressure from my Mom to not become the faithless dyke she thinks I will be. 

I'm not a dyke, and I'm not a fem. I don't really fit any stereotype that I can really think of as far a personality goes. I'll dress up every now and then to see the look on Ali's face or just to be cute. I go roll in the mud, and do hard labor and actually enjoy it. I play with legos, I played with barbies. I see your box and I burn it to the ground. 

Back on topic. 

You all know of Lee. When I started things with him I identified as Pan. I thought I was. I was still working through the emotions and desires I had. I loved him, and I still do care for him as a person but on the same level that I care for a close friend. I enjoyed his company and I liked the time spent together but it felt very much like Nathaniel. It just didn't have a drive on my end, and to keep it going would have been cheating both of us. 

Maybe later I'll have more on that. Not right now. 

But I'm gay. I'm a Lesbian. I am a member of the rainbow flagged nation if you want to be real dramatic. Looking back now I can see me identifying as Pan and Demi was a way for me to rationalize that I could still like guys even when I didn't feel strong pulls towards any of them. I mean Demi to my understanding is not feeling a sexual disaier/attraction till a firm emotional bond is already there. But I do get that turned on, for lack of a better phrase, by girls I don't even know when I see them sometimes. I can apreacat how men are attractive but I'm not attracted to them. I want to be in a life long romantic/physical/lovy relationship with Ali, a woman. I just can't see myself doing it with a guy. Even if he is the best man on the planet, he is just isn't the guy for me. There is no guy for me because well, I'm Gay (and of Eropaen decent if that counts for anything).

I am a Lesbian. And you know what, I'm okay with that now. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

So I'm not Pan....well shit

Hi, My name's JR and I'm a Lesbian. 

Yes I know I said I was Pan. I know, I know...but I'm not. I don't like the male sex. As people they're grate. I have many guy friends and I think they're all real cool. I know I'm dating Lee who is very much a man. I know. 

It was really because I was dating Lee that it started making me realize it. He is the ideal man for many many people let me tell you. He was for me before I worked my feelings out that I just can't get into guys. He is the most intelligent, funniest person I ever have knows, and is so, so very sweet and noble. He did everything right and I didn't feel any internal push to get closer. Didn't feel a drive to be physically closer. Didn't feel a drive for anything past the fun cliché dates that we were doing. 

It's not like I never kiss him. I do. But I don't make out with him, and to be frank the idea of making out with a guy, any guy, and anything past that makes me uncomfortable. Lee hasn't pushed for it or asked for it but the idea of just can't. I really just can't. 

This post is more my coming out than my explanation on, that will come shortly after I tell Lee, which will be shortly after I post this. Better he hears it from me than reads it from me. That could just be a disaster. 

Well wish me luck, I need it.

Friday, January 4, 2013


So Mom made a resolution to get to know her kids better. She feels like she spends far to much time raising them to actually make a life and create a bond with them.


I meen that's grate and all but it makes me nervous as hell.

Because as close as she want's to get...there are somethings and people not ready to come out yet and I'm still working thought who I am and what my sexuality is and what I want to do and I'm afraid of her.

I know I'll have to face it sooner or later but I'm not ready and I can think of a few others who aren't ready yet as well.

One the other hand if this doesn't get met with rejection and underhanded ways to try and convince me I am not *fill in the blank* it would be nice to actually get to talk things out with a parent. I don't dare try Dad. I just can't right now.

So what am I supposed to do? half truths? lie? blurt it out and hope the bomb shelter holds up? I'm so confused.