You see I've expressed a fear at maybe not making the payment for spring and I get this "Oh what a shame"
Not even a ounce of sympathy in her voice.
She is cutting me off from family support, none of my siblings even know what's happening. So My brothers on either side of me don't get why I seem uncomfortable at home.
I know Mom doesn't get it at all. She's cornered Bean and demanded to know what I tell her and why do I not talk to her (mom) more. Because, well calling my love a rapist, sending my older brother to spy on me, almost pulling me out with out warning, and then suddenly cutting me off and acting like we've never had a single disagreement wouldn't throw a wrench in anything. Nope not at all.
Mom is waiting for me to hit a wall. To relise that I can't make it on my own yet because the real world is scary and I need mommy and daddy there. She's waiting for me to run out of luck and for my job to not pay enough in time and then she expects that I will go back 'home' and back into the fold, never to leave the state of Texas again.
If she had her way I would go to a collage that is nice and religious and close by, like at most a day trip and that's pushing it. Or I'd just stay and be a stay at home daughter and watch all the kids again. Like I have for the other 20 odd years of my life.
Let me just say...fuck no. Fucking hell no.
I can be homeless and I will not move back in to that woman's house. I'm tiered of walking on eggs around her. I'm sick of hiding things so that mom doesn't suddenly pull my plane ticket and leave me trapped in that place.
I already have several people that I know I can turn to, if not to crash at their place, then to help me find a place. I am not going back. Ever.
The only resin I want to step foot in that house is because of the little ones. I want to be remembered and loved.
Also Mom didn't factor in how much I would just resent her. She seems to be betting on mending our broken relationship, if she even admits that it's broken, over time when I suppose I realize the error of my ways and that family should always be put above my own personal happiness. Or I realize the dangers of lesbian university and thank her for saving my wayward soul.
It's just sad how much I now have dug my feet in the ground and said no. I don't want to move back to Texas, I refuse to move back to Texas. Nonononono.
I was venting about mom to Juliette and she just looked at me and said "You mom is like a totalitarian dystopian government". It is true I've had Hunger Games dreams of her as President Snow. It was kinda creepy.
But If I do hit this wall...well I'm not leaving Roanoke, other than to go to Washington and live with Ali's grandparents and work there for a semester, or to live with my friend in her apartment in Texas if I have to go back.
Not that house.