Thursday, February 7, 2013

February Cosmocking

So I admit it, I read Cosmo. It's a dirty read and a cheep laugh. Cosmo is just too easy to poke fun at and they just don't get it some times. I thought I would share the fun with you all Starting with this month's issue:

Okay, I'm not a high fashion True Religion jeans kinda girl but what on earth is she wearing? It's a swimsuit...pj...undergarment and pink plastic rain jacket? Okay then. 

Crazy Hot Sex....again! 10 secrets to add to the 10 million we already told you! Whoohoo! Weird Stuff Guys Google About You. Well it can't be any stranger than my google hystory after researching topics in novels. 

Let's look inside now:

Decode His...Bed Linens.
I'm sorry what? I'm really not sure how to respond to this. 
Bed Linens, the newest Psychological brakethrough on dating now in––no I can't do it. 

The Fake Chastity Belt.
Because you can't really say no unless your in a really bad pair of underpants that just can't be sexy. Or unshaven legs, or spandex or anything else that is unsexy in CosmoLand. 
"When I'm into someone, I don't want to ruin things by having sex to quickly. The problem is I usually want to have sex with him so badly that I don't trust my self."

So uhm...why don't you just talk to the guy? No really. Maybe he wants to have mind blowing sex with you too. Communication. It's a thing. Girls have sex drives, so it's okay, you can ask to have sex, and this won't straight up ruin your relationship. 

And if you want to say no than say no. You shouldn't need the excuse of hairy legs for him not to jump you if you don't want it.

No, guess what it means no. 

Can Sex Make You Skinnier?
Well yes actually, but not drastically so. Sex (alone or not) can be a very good work out with a nice punch at the end and has lots of other health benefits. 
But that's not really what they're getting at here.
"Carboholism. As much as it sounds like some fake word the industry came up with, I can assure you, it is a very real affliction."
Maybe it's because I have a health conscious mother who is also an ER nurse that made sure I know how my body works, or that I studied up on it my self but....
Yes you have a human body that has a metabolism that is largely fueled by glucose...and that's found in carbs. Please calm thy tits. Carbs are not the root of all evil. 

Also this do-sexy-things-instead-of-eat-a-perfictly-fine-snack diet only lasted about five days and part of it she was pulling her husband into things he didn't want to do.

Why is this a good idea again?

Q: My guy wants to cum on my face, how do I respond? 

Well do you want his cum on your face? Do you want it on you at all? Why dose he want it? Are you okay with that? Yes or no or talk more? 

If she doesn't want it she shouldn't feel bad for saying no, if she dose yes if she doesn't know well guess what, she doesn't have to know. Yay for women having their own ideas about sex! 

I'm Marrying My Gay Best Friend
And you have five minuets to tell me why this is not a train wreak waiting to happen.
From the experience of being in a relationship where I just could not become attracted to the guy...I have a hard time seeing how this would work. But hay maybe this is just me, maybe it can work. Maybe they have the something I didn't.  

Well it opens with "Oh, my god," I gushed into the phone. "I just met the cutest gay guy!" So we are off to a wonderful start here, aren't we boy and girls?
Well it goes on to say that this man has come to the fact that he is gay and attracted to all kinds of men but only one woman, the speaker in this article. So Cosmo is finally putting something out about how love and happiness can be found in the most unexpected places? That labels and titles we give our selves aren't hard fast lines? Something like that?


It read's like 'OMG, gay guys are the best little accessory ever and I get to take one home!'

"Dating a gay man has it's upsides...Dave basically organizes my entire life. When we're out shopping he knows when to ask "Will you really wear those shoes?" He's not just my date to weddings, he helps me pick out the perfect dress and even dose my hair."

Girls in the Gentleman's Club
Well this. It has nothing to do with girls watching girl strippers. Not at all. It has everything to do with it being about girls braking the 'no touch rule' and getting away with it. 
Okay look. If a guy is creeping on you, it's creepy. Doesn't matter the gender, it can be absolutely fucking terrifying. The creepiness dose not go away when boobs pop up. If there is a no touch rule it's because these women do not want to be touched. And the stroking of breasts mentioned is not okay. Just no.

Please be sure to collect all your belongings as you exit CosmoLand.

No comments:

Post a Comment