On the Clock

So I have a job that is simultaneously one of the most educational, enjoyable experiences and one of the most frustrating and draining experiences.

I work with a family and their five year old autistic child. I can't say to much on what exactly I do for confidentiality and the like but I can say a bit. 

The boy I work with is sweet, when he wants to be, he's also a five year old boy and five year old boys can be a turd when they want to be. He usawally means very well and just has a hard time relating or communicating what exactly he feels and/or wants. He really is a good kid. 

What's frustrating is my job is supposed to be helping to teach him and then on the weekend I work on his social skills with out academics. But lately he has been sleeping in over half the time my coworker and I have with him and then its a real row trying to get him dressed or out to the 'class room'. Or when he's out there we're having a hard time getting him to do things.

He's improved greatly from when I started working with him. He's better at talking, he's better imagining things, he's better copeing when things go wrong. 

He really is better.

And he's better at getting around what we want him to do. 

It's a stressful joy. 

When we feel crubby

Ali and I are very different when we care for each other when the other is sick. I was raised in a family of ten with an ER nurse for a mom and sometimes had to help care for little sick ones when I was half asleep of sick my self. Also I'm first aid and CPR trained...and the doctor of my circle of friends.

So when Ali first get's sick at first I question her about when, where, how. Run all applicable tests (Concussion, stoke, dehydration, hear attack warnings, ext.) Get her to lay down. Get her temperature. That sort a thing.

If she needs meds I find the kind I think will work best out of my pharmacy of a medicine drawer and give her the right amount. I would watch and give her crackers when I thought her stomach could handle it and always make sure she had water. I'd rub her head so she could fall asleep.

Ali is very good at sleeping it off and usawaly gets well very quickly that way.

My Angel...well she has not had the training, and as long as I'm awake I can tell her what to do. But there is something so sweet in the way Ali takes care of me. Just her default question when I'm curled under my blankets coughing or feeling puke-y.

"Can I get you water?"

It's just the way she says it and her face is so hopeful and just so adrabul. I could feel like dyeing and she still makes me smile. Kinda like a puppy. But much cuter.

She gives a few instructions too. Like:

"Try not to coff on people"

That is for me, for other's especially any medical persons.

"DON'T GIVE HER PENICILLIN SHE'LL DIE!!!"

I'm in good hands.

Cake pops and Snuggles

It had been a long time since Ali and I had been able to go out on a date. We have nice stay in dates where we just curl up together and watch a movie or an episode of Sherlock or My Little Pony. A lot of that is because I have no spare cash. At all.

However I do have Starbucks gift cards.

A lot of them, I don't get out to much so they just kinda pile up and now they are being put to good use.  Ali doesn't like coffee, or any kind of caffeinated drink but she loves cake-pops. So now once a month we're going to go out to Starbucks and I'll get her cake-pops and my self a drink or maybe a tinny pie. It was grate and so sweet and tender as we just got to sit and snack and talk about the future and our friends and life.

We got back and after a bit of chilling with friends we were off for some alone time. It's also been a while since we were just silly in sex. Goofing off and snuggling and just cuddling close and eskimo kisses. I'd really missed that. And the after snuggles. Gotta love the after snuggles.

I also got to spend the night in her room, not the same bed because she has new pearceing in her upper ear that we were afraid my hair would attack so I was on her couch bed. We were supposed to get up at 11 am today to get around but she set an alarm for 10:30 so she could sneak in and cuddle me.

It's the sweetest thing ever being woken up with your Angel holding you close. Epshally when she kisses your ear and tells you "good morning love".

Its been a good 24 hours.

To quiet?

So, Lee and several of people that contacted him one way or another (internet-wise I think) have hinted at and flat out stated that Lee might just well, off himself. As much as his psychological health is not my responcabilaty, and as much as he drove me bat shit crazy for a bit I do care about him as a person.

I didn't feel like it would be a good idea for me to call him, so I texted a family member.

and they called immediately because that was the first they'd heard of it. Apparently he's fine, possibly about to join the military. They're going to watch him, just to be sure.

So all is well...I think.

Aw, yay

So Ali is reading a lot more than usawal lately. J-tearm gives her the time. Well when books mention psychology she smiles.

She associates talks about real psychological events, facts, theories with talking with me. So now when ever she reads about it she smiles and sometimes blushes.

I am very happy with this association.

Mom and Dad

So my parents and I are on good tearms. We have been for a while but it just dawned on me yesterday. Mom and I are sending jokes through text back and forth. Dad's helping me with my taxes. None of us are mentioning anyhting like religion, tuition, or politics to each other but you know what, I'm okay with that.

It's taken a while but I think I'm okay with not being abul to talk to Mom or Dad about certin things. I had missed us just talking and jokeing about. Mom and I even went to a spa together when I was down on brake.

I think now it's not so much ignoring the tension and distance between us (Mom more than Dad), it's not bringing up anything that could push us further apart. I'm not saying I'm all peaches and giggles with them, but I'm contented. At least for now.

That's not to say I don't still get nervous about them or anything like that, but it is nice to just be a daughter sometimes.

Irate twas I

So I have now reached the point that I can write more about the split with Lee and the things that went alright. And the things that made me bang my head against the wall. Mostly these are the things that make bang my head against a wall.

So this split didn't go as well as planed. Not the after the part, I had a few ideas of how it would go but...how sure can you bee things will turn out when you tell the boyfriend who dated you in full knowledge of you and your polly girl friend that your well...gay.

For starters, my web cam wasn't working so this was all done over Skype IM. Not preferable but I didn't feel comfortable waiting any longer. So I told him.
And waited.
And got the response of "Alright? Is that all?"

Several blinks later I replied with something along the lines of "As in lesbian...as in your a guy...as in I'm so sorry..." and that went on for a little while. Lee told me not to apologize for being who I was and that made it a little easier and we ended on the note of he needed a bit of time to take it all in, as he was still in shock. After talking about some other things, like his dad had stopped cemo but was still doing alright, his cat was still cute and fluffy, younger siblings were all doing good he said he probably wouldn't be able to talk until the next day or the day after, as he was still in shock. He also said that he wasn't going to out me to his family.

I was okay with this. I needed a bit of space too. So we said goodnight and sweet dreams, I wandered down the hall to Ali's room, told her I had done it and received snuggles of comfort.

So far all was going pretty okay. A bit better than I expected.

Went back to my room, got around for bed and looked back at Skype. Lee had left a message. I full sized my screen and still had to scroll three times. That in it's self was not frustrating. Hard to read as there were no paragraph brakes but the size wasn't frustrating.

What was frustrating was the context and the lack of two days. Context more than the lack.

Was it that I was still pan but not polly? Was it just the strain of a long distance relationship? Do I not feel the urge to get close because we are so far apart? Questions like that, that I had taken under very careful consideration before hand. Admittedly yes, the long distance was straining, and a lot of them were yet other resins to end a relationship.

And then he just didn't seem to get that we were done. That it was over. I was gay he was a guy. It wouldn't work. Not just because of the sex but that there wouldn't be an underlying drive to make it work. It would just sit and become increasingly more uncomphtraul. He wanted us to talk in person about it before we called it off.

I understand wanting to talk...but it was done.

The way I see it is, it take two or more to make a relationship. One to end it. If the one person says it's done, then well it's done. He also seemed to hint at having wanted to date Ali as well, but I might have miss read that. Either way it wouldn't have worked out. Ali says that only one other person has as little chemistry between them and her, than Lee and she did.

I didn't know what to say so I just went to bed.

And woke up the next morning with a voice memo. In short it said that we should still get together...because he was also not completely straight.

And then the texts. They would all be one message but they would go up to 23-25 texts long, so my phone would just jingle for a minuet and a half. Again they were all things that I didn't really know how to respond to. So I didn't. It just kept sounding more and more that he ignored that I was done and texted Ali once as well.

According to her it went off a few times, and when it continued she had time to put her pants on come down the hall, open my door and hold the phone out to me. At that point I looked up at her and blinked "Yes?"
The text alert went off again. And again. And again.
"Oh, I'm sorry love."

She went through it a bit later came back and said, "It had nothing to do with me, also he doesn't seem to get that your gay."

And the texts came again. Some where incredibly guilt tripping. Most where in fact. It was getting to the point of putting a rift between Ali and I. She was tiered of hearing about it, as it wasn't her relationship. She didn't really get why she was pulled into it. She was there for me at first but after so much of "Lee's doing this" it got old. I don't blame her. It was stressing me out and in turn stressing my relationship with Ali and she hadn't even been dating the guy or even interested.

Finally I gave in and called him, like he wanted. He again tried to ask if we could just try going slower.

"Lee, I'm a lesbian, we can go as slow as you want and it still wont move."

The one thing that really got under my skin was that he felt betrayed and cheated on that I was not open and honest about being gay with him...but it was perfectly okay that his sexuality discoveries and pondering were not brought out at all until after we broke up, and only then it seemed as a way to try and get me back. Because "It didn't change the status quo of our relationship".

What. The. Fuck.

Nonononono. If one of us is betraying for an action we both did, then we both are betraying. You can't claim that I did some grate wrong by not telling you the second I thought I was a lesbian but it's okay for you. It dose not fucking work like that.

I also clearly said that I needed time and space about six times. I got that for most of a day.

And then he turned my personal blog into his personal therapy session. I was pissed. Very, very pissed. I recall words like 'asshole' and 'what the fuck' being hurled at my screen and I was seriously second guessing my stance of never tearing down comments. I got my roommate Skye to look up with how much I looked like I was trying to implode the internet with my mind. I stormed down the hall and screamed into Ali's pillow as she patted my back.

Luckily I am much more polite when I respond to things.

Lee and I have spoken a bit since then but I'm not running to rekindle a close friendship any more. I would like to remain friends because he was a really nice guy as we were dating but right now I am willing to just be aquantinces.

Ali and I are doing better. A few good snuggle talks will fix things up better than you'd expect. My friends at Hollins are still cautioning me to keep a good distance. Apparently his lack of spoken word made them all uncomfortable when he came up to see me...and his recent actions were not particularly charming to them.

So yes. That's the less cheerful, less fluffy part of my side of this whole thing. Ta-flippin-Da.

Elephants!

For the recored I didn't come up with this, it was from one of Ali's friends. On of her online friends I think. Any hoo, this is the best way to explain asexuality that I have ever heard and I finally remembered to write it down so here you go.

It's like every one tells you that when you reach 13, 14, 15 you get an invisible elephant. Everyone gets one. Well you get to be 13, 14, 15 and you don't have one. You hear other people talk about thiers. Some even name theirs and sometimes people get together and let their elaphents play. Every one tells you that you'll get one. Yours is coming but you never do. And then you find out that there are other people out there that don't have elephants and that's okay.

And that is how asexuality was explained to me.

Talks

So who do you talk to when you question your sexuality. Well it all depends on you, really. Some people are really good with just the internet, some that friend you see every day and some people even talk to the clergy.

Well this is who I talked to.

Not Lee.

Not even Ali.

Friends that I hadn't see face to face in about three years. Over Skype. It is very handy to have friends that you don't talk to for years and they you just pick up like it was yesterday when you talk again. So we talked about what they were doing and talked about life and I think with one I debated witch legendary pokemon would make the best world travailing compainion. I choose Ente (If that's how you spell it). No legendary I want a herd of Evee's, evolved and non.

And then I told them. "So....I think I'm a lesbian..."

And we worked through that. I got a lot of "Well...I can't say I'm surprised." Or "That makes since."

Only when I was 99.9999999% sure I was gay did I talk to closer friends like Juliet. That just confirmed what I was already thinking. Then I told Ali.

The thing about coming out is, no matter who what or where I still get nervous. Ali is my girl friend and I still had that 'ohshitohshitohshit' feeling.

From there you can all guess, I told Lee and we ended.

As for why I didn't talk to Ali or Lee about this I have pretty good resins. In the very least they are good to me.

For starters, the feelings weren't anything new. It's something I've been dealing with since I realized people don't have cooties. It wasn't a big news flash to me that said feelings were creeping up again and so I didn't news flash it. Secondly, they were both dating me at the time. Not exactly unbiased. Even Ali, who had no risk of my sexuality causing things to end.

Also I've been talked out of being gay before and convinced I wasn't. Yes it was along time ago but I didn't want to risk it, and to be honest I was afraid of something like that happening with Lee. As sweet as he is there is still the:
"So, boyfriend....male...guy...I think I might be a lesbian. Have you any thoughts?"

I just couldn't do it.

So I didn't tell him till a few days after I was absolutely sure, and well here we are now.

The stress of killing with those you love

So a wonderful friend of mine gave me, on a loan, all of the Assassin Creed games except the 3rd. She has it but in all honesty I don't think Ali and I could get to it by the end of the year anyway. I used to go over to her apartment and play every friday for about a month but then Ali got an Xbox 360 for Christmas and well, now we play in Ali's room.

The Assassin Creed games have to be my favorite series ever. I love many games, and consider myself to be a gamer, but nothing will beet the Assassin games.

Ali and I decided to play together, switching off who had the controller so that we could work through the story. I was excited, I get to share the game I love most with the woman I love most. Win Win right.

Well we had a kerfulf-ful you might say. I'm not even sure how it started but we started becoming defensive and snapping at each other...over a game...and something else but I honestly can't remember what.

We were both just being idiots. It took pausing the game, and maybe about a five minuet conversation on what the hell was up before we snuggled back down and worked out a system.

Ali prefers doing the quests and running away in the cities. She's also better at navigating the cities, so she handels that.

I am better when were out on a horse, navigating, getting away and all that So I handle the in between the city bits. And I'm better at the actual combat. I can get it done faster and with less damage to our Assassin.

After that we just snuggled up and playfully teased each other and all was well.

I know we're not perfict. Far from it. We're real. We get in fights. We have our hard times. By golly there's a few times I would have liked to strangle some since into her, and I would put money that she has felt the same in the past.

But you know what, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Rivers could run through it,

They really could with how much someone's identity could change, and dose change. It's a part of life. People change religion, politics, sexuality, all of that and even smaller things too like food prefrance. All of these make up the identity that people think of when they think of you, or that you think of when thinking about yourself.

Sometimes you figure out things that won't change. Like I did when I discovered I was a lesbian. That's not going to change anytime soon. At all really. But other parts I can see changing. I can see me finding out I'm really just a monogamous lesbian. No swinger. No bi romatisium.

And I'm okay with that. It's part of being human is wiggling around, finding out who you are and then learning to love your self and let your self be loved so that you can love other's to the fullest in return.

As for know, this is what I'm pretty sure I am and can see me being for the rest of my life. Swinger and all that jazz.

Let's try this again,

So here is the updated of who I am/identify as, and the such... using otters. I do love otters.

Now here's me. I write novels and short stories and I'm working on a web comic. I enjoy snuggles, movies, riddles and adventures. I'm a gamer and and I like curling up with a good book. I work with a five year old autistic child in play therapy for a job. And by the way I'm about as straight as a fruit loop.

So let's hop on that loop and work things out now shall we?

So for starters I'm a Lesbian as you probably know by know. I'm poly, but I'm starting to think not in the same way I was before. Oh yeah, and bi romantic. Ta-Da!

Lesbian:

It's pretty straight forward. I like women. I'm gay. I can't really comprehend a long term, living together, romantic, physical relationship with a man. I kiss girls and I like it. I am currently with a woman as you are also well aware. Ali is truly and angel and a remarkable woman. There are days I look at her and wonder how I could ever be so lucky. We fit together like puzzle pieces when we snuggle. She just feels so right in my arms or when I kiss her. One might call her my significant otter.

I do day dream of that wedding kiss and plan it out and giggel. I do brows rings that I can't yet aford. I am most incredibly in love with a girl.

Swinger:

I still am Poly. Juuust after much deep thought, I realized I'm not the same level of poly as my Angel Love. The best word I can give you is swinger. I have my one person, Ali, and no matter who else comes in and out Ali will always be my priority. I am okay with having...flings I guess you could call them. Things that I and other persons do in full knowledge that it's not long tearm. This may or may not be sex. Not sure yet. These could last just one night or a few months. Dates, snuggles, talks. All the fun stuff. Just understood that it's not leading to anything remotely like a wedding bell.

As for Ali we sat and had a good talk and it is cleared up that I am okay with her still going out and finding as many loves as she wants, and that she can do what she wants with them. I know that I have a special spot in her heart and no one else can take my spot because no one else is shaped like me to fit my spot. I am just to be kept in the loop and lines of communication are to be open. Should I ever feel jealous or mer I am to go talk to her about it. Should she ever feel jealous or mer of what I do she is to come talk to me about it. If for what ever resin we don't like the other person we are to talk about it. Other person is to know of us before they agree to any commitment.

Talks can be had during snuggles.

There is just really a lot of talking.

(This blog post was brought to you by communication. Try it today!)

Bi Romantic:

I am a lesbian. Yes. Hold on to that. Gay. Got it? Good. Okay so I think I might be bi romantic.

Again this is very much like the swinger part because these won't go any where, especially with guys...buuut dates are fun. They make people feel good and warm and fuzzy. As long as Ali says she's okay with person B and person B's significant otter or lack of one is okay with it, B and I can go have a grand old time. There will probably be a check in with B's person to make sure I'm not just being used to cheat. Poly is cool, cheating is not.

The Bi Romantic part and the Swinger part of me are very close together, but you know what, talked with Ali, and should I date a guy again for x resin she is okay with it. I just need to stay safe and keep her in the loop. Again Ali knows that she can not be replaced, just as I know I can not.

Sooo Stuff:

The wonderful thing about this all is, I might have to do another one of these. Identities can change. I am a lesbian. I know that. I really don't see that ever changing but I might find out later that you know what I'm not Polly. I might find out I'm not bi romantic. I might find out that I like brussle sprouts again and think they're yummy. It's really that much not a big deal. Sometimes it feels like we're all rushed to label ourselves and I admit the labels make things easier to talk about, and think about when you are a confused little teenager, but those labels don't have to be permanit.

Life threw me this red cup that is 'hay you might like guys' I tried it out, tried to make it work, and nope. So I stopped saying I was pan. Ta-Da. The world didn't end. Next please.

It's really okay to change your mind, change your identity, because in all actuality it doesn't really change who you are. I am still me, and you will still be you.

My mother is not a momster

she only seems that way from time to time. Well a lot of the time but she's not a monster or even really a bitch or anything. She can sure act bitchy but she's not a bitch.

She dose not support gay rights. She tries very hard to get her children to be as full of faith as she is. She isn't good with words when put on the spot, which sucks because those moments are the ones that make the lasting impressions. She has a lot of flaws but as much as I talk about her negatively, she's not a bad person.

I do love my mom very much. She drives me bat shit insane, but I love her.

Sometimes I need to be held

Sometimes I get scared.

Scared I won't be abel to make enough to stay at Hollins.

Scared that the crap that seems to fallow me like a lost puppy will become to much for Ali and she'll leave me one day.

Scared of getting stuck in Texas.

Scared of my family.

Scared that they won't show to my graduation or wedding.

Scared that I will fail.

To scared to ask for help sometimes, usually because it's in front of people I don't know.

They come and go, but today was just rough in a few spots. spread out enough to make it the length of the day, but not close enough to really clue anyone, including me, in till the end when it all just boiled over. I sobbed in Ali's arms for what felt like an hour. We eventually reached the verdict that things would be better in the morning and I should just go to bed, so she kissed me good night and went back to her room. I do feel better after crying it out, because I know that I can do things. I can handle things, but damn it all I am allowed to brake down from time to time and just bloody cry.

Sometimes that's all you feel you can do because it seems like you life is like squirrels dueling to the death with light-sabers.

As amazed as I would be to see the Hollins squirrels do that, it sucks when it feels like President Snow's squirrely amusement is what is deciding the factors of my life. 

I will make the payment this semester. And the one after that. And the one after that. One way or another. 

Ali and I are strong enough together to withstand any crap, bull shit, or hard time. We both know we don't have a fairy tail love story. What we have is real. It's been hard, at times down right shitty. But nothing has ever felt more real than standing by her, holding her, and being stood by and held. 

I will not go back to Texas anytime soon to live and if I do it will be for a very good resin and it will not be 'stuck'. Like holy-shit-this-job-is-amazing-beyond-words resin. 

Not having my family there like they used to be is pretty shitty but it's also made me realize how much I can stand on my own. I can even sing and dance. 

I can't control what they do. I accept that. They will get the invitation but I can't make them come.

I will fall but by the fact that I refuse to stay down I will never fail.

This will take work. I can be incredibly shy sometimes with no rhyme or resin. Very soft spoken. Ali suggested I just text her then when I need to talk so I don't have to say it in front of people. I think I'll do that.

I know that I will brake down again. Not soon, as it dosn't happen often. But one day I will just need to cry and be held, but that's okay. We all brake down from time to time and it never means we are week, it doesn't even mean we're strong. It means we're human.

And being human is always easier when you have an Angel of a love to hold you.

I may have swooned a bit

I have the sweetest, most romantic girl friends ever.

It's J-tearm here at Hollins and that means that for the whole month we just take one class that's really fun and there are a lot of extra activities that Hollins puts on for us.

Like last night.

At dinner there was a mechanical bull and karaoke.

I did the bull twice, sadly with out my cowgirl hat. I got about 30 seconds the first time because the guy was easing people into it before realizing a few of us don't come off easy. Even with the one hand rule. That time I hit the back of the bull bounced and landed 'gracfuly' in a heap in the padded arena. Second time he didn't warm up at all and instantly went full speed and spin.

Lasted about 12 seconds there, the dismount was fun, there was one full spin I was parallel to the bull and then lots of summersaults into the inflatable wall.

Of any about to face the bull the trick is to grip with your calfs and knees but keep your hips louse and move with it.

And then the karaoke.

We were about to leave when Ali asked us to wait just one more minuet she had a song she wanted us to hear. I will preface this with the fact that I love country love songs. Replace 'baby' with my name.

She used this song. With in the first two notes I had gone bright pink with my hand over my mouth and was a bright, bright pink. At the first mention of my name Juliet started pushing me to go up front next to her. By the chorus I was right next to her, and well I started singing back. I switched 'baby' with 'Angel'

I usawaly don't like singing in front of people, but I just didn't see them. Or hear them when they all started 'awww'ing or clapping. Just my Angel. And I couldn't stop smiling, my cheeks were starting to hurt a bit.

It took a lot of restraint to wait for the end of the song to kiss her proper.

I may have swooned just a bit. She really is an Angel to me.

My self do better...ness thing...

So here they are. My New Years Resolutions...Ideas...Plans.... I don't really do this but it seems like a good thing to try and put down on paper, or well internet.

• Draw at least five times a week even if it's just a doodle. 
• Take a walk at least once a week. 
• Eat in a genrally healthier fashion. 
• Write more letters.
• Start crafting again, at least one per month.
• Read for fun more often.
• Talk to old friends more often.
• Draw on the sidewalks with chalk. (maybe try for that giant mural thing I've always wanted to do)
• Spend more time just thinking.

That's about it. Anyone doing anything cool for resolutions? 

Swings anyone?

So in the wonderful journey that is self exploration I've learned a lot of new things about myself. Starting with but not limited to I'm a Lesbian, I'm a Swinger, I might be claustrophobic in certen situations (thank you disney), and other things.

So now onto the other part of my identity...reform I guess you could call it.

I still fall under the Polly spectrum of loves. I still am okay with loving more than one, I have found how ever that I am not the same as Ali on this. Ali is what I would call the classic. She can carry on multiple relationships of varying degrees and love everyone all the same and bee cool with it.

I'm more of a swinger. I have my one person that I love above all else (Ali) and am okay with fun dates, cuddels, and small kisses with some one else as long as it is understood that this is a fun thing that won't go anywhere at all and may end or be put on hold at any time, depending on the people involved.

So that's that. Not much a back story on that. Just a lot of me flopped on my bed listening to music and thinking.

Ta-Da?

Bring out the Sonic Rainbooms!

Well let's get started on the hows and the whys shall we. And for all of you who get the tittle reference well you're 20% cooler now. 

So I'm gay. After all the years of denying it to myself and to others, I admit it. I am a Lesbian. Right now it still kinda sucks because I just ended it with the most amazing man in the world, so as comfortable as I am with myself, and as much as I know it was best, I can't say I'm to happy with my self just yet. I know I will be eventually but right now it's still raw on my end and I can only imagine what it must be like for Lee. 

So lets get started in high school, that's about when the *oh look at all the other attractive people* started. I as said before crushed on Femmy. She was smart, pretty, and was a very good author. Mom said no I wasn't and I shut up about it and somehow managed to ignore the part of my brain that said "look at all the pretty girls, don't they look lovely?"  I ignored, somehow, how much I wanted to do the sorta things seen in movies between guys and girls with another girl.

I had one official boy friend. I met him freshman year by being set up on a blind date to cotillion with him and then later I asked him out to the homecoming dance our junior year. He was actually a lot like Lee. Very sweet. Very old fashion. Very much wanted to spend time with me, he even joined the guard to do so. Very good with written words. 

We dated for about a year and a half. In that time we had brief fleeting kisses and never really moved past that. It took about a year for me to come to terms that the mystical majical 'spark' that supposedly drive a new relationship wasn't there. That the feelings my friends described having for their boyfriends I just didn't have. When I admitted that Nathaniel and I just hadn't made out and had been dating for at that time over a year she stared at me open mouthed, "What have you been doing all this time!?" To witch I responded "Uh, taking it slow I suppose."I broke it off with him two thirds of the way through our senior year. Not ready to admit who I wanted but unable to deny that it wasn't working. 

And then ignored how much I wanted to start something up with one of my closest friends. She is still one of my closest friends, and has a wonderful boy friend that she loves and is very happy with him. I ignored how much all through high school I just wasn't into guys. I told my self that it was just because high school boys were all idiots and when I dated Nathaniel I had snagged the one good one. When I broke it off with him it wasn't that I didn't care about him. I did still love him. But I knew that it wasn't the love that everyone talked, and wrote, and made movies over. It was like the love between Mary and Pippin. Or Frodo and Sam. Brotherly, close friendship love. You'd go everywhere from Gondor to Mount Doom for them but your not looking to steal kisses and snuggles when the Fellowship isn't looking. 

Because I couldn't like girls. Mom had said so. And people didn't just like girls. To be honest for a while I considered just being a spinster. Just not deal with it. 

My fondness for the female body had nothing to do with me picking Hollins as a school but not a day has gone by that I haven't been thankful for the sisterhood I found here and that I haven't fallen even more in love with the Green and Gold. The most relevant parts about Hollins for this post are was how far away it was from parental influence, and how supportive it was. Here for the first time I had the space to think for my self. Truly for my self with my own devices. I have yet to find a more loving community than that of the Hollins women. One of us could stand up in Moody and yell to the heavens our sexuality and/or gender identity and the rest of Moody if they reacted at all it would be in apualse or hugs or some people yelling "Me too!"

So as stated before, freshman year I fell for Ang, one of my friends. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and well single. I wanted her. Not possessively or anything, but I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to kissed her nose in such a way that she would giggle and blush and call me silly. I wanted to hold her as I feel asleep with her all ready snoozing in my arms. I wanted to kiss her. 

I felt away that I could never describe feeling for a guy. Not by any stretch. 

I didn't prasue her because I thought that she was too old fashion and wouldn't return my feelings. I valued our friendship so much that I was content to just day dream of snuggles and be there for her how she wanted me. Turned out that she wasn't a natural shade of pink that I always saw her in and wanted me too but didn't say anything because she thought I was too Catholic and all that. As said before she now has a wonderful loving feance and I am very happy for them.  I crushed on sevral women.

Then Ali. Beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented as a goddess, snuggly as a stuffed animal, loving Ali. This parts runs a lot like when I found out I was pan, or at least I thought I was pan. Baby steps. Baby steps. 

For awhile I was just straight with the exception of my Angel Ali. With Ali I had that drive. I actively tried to get closer physicly. With Ali I finally got what everyone was talking about. I understood the need to be close to someone. The need to keep them safe. The need to let them explore. The need for aspirin because it can all be so confusing and overwhelming. The need to just be there for them how ever they let you be there. With Ali we snuck kisses when the Fellowship wasn't looking. With Ali everything was better even when we had fights. It's this indescribable feeling, that is still strong for me. Very strong. Despite the fact that now we don't sneak around for kisses, being out on campus, and the pressure from my Mom to not become the faithless dyke she thinks I will be. 

I'm not a dyke, and I'm not a fem. I don't really fit any stereotype that I can really think of as far a personality goes. I'll dress up every now and then to see the look on Ali's face or just to be cute. I go roll in the mud, and do hard labor and actually enjoy it. I play with legos, I played with barbies. I see your box and I burn it to the ground. 

Back on topic. 

You all know of Lee. When I started things with him I identified as Pan. I thought I was. I was still working through the emotions and desires I had. I loved him, and I still do care for him as a person but on the same level that I care for a close friend. I enjoyed his company and I liked the time spent together but it felt very much like Nathaniel. It just didn't have a drive on my end, and to keep it going would have been cheating both of us. 

Maybe later I'll have more on that. Not right now. 

But I'm gay. I'm a Lesbian. I am a member of the rainbow flagged nation if you want to be real dramatic. Looking back now I can see me identifying as Pan and Demi was a way for me to rationalize that I could still like guys even when I didn't feel strong pulls towards any of them. I mean Demi to my understanding is not feeling a sexual disaier/attraction till a firm emotional bond is already there. But I do get that turned on, for lack of a better phrase, by girls I don't even know when I see them sometimes. I can apreacat how men are attractive but I'm not attracted to them. I want to be in a life long romantic/physical/lovy relationship with Ali, a woman. I just can't see myself doing it with a guy. Even if he is the best man on the planet, he is just isn't the guy for me. There is no guy for me because well, I'm Gay (and of Eropaen decent if that counts for anything).

I am a Lesbian. And you know what, I'm okay with that now. 

So I'm not Pan....well shit

Hi, My name's JR and I'm a Lesbian. 

Yes I know I said I was Pan. I know, I know...but I'm not. I don't like the male sex. As people they're grate. I have many guy friends and I think they're all real cool. I know I'm dating Lee who is very much a man. I know. 

It was really because I was dating Lee that it started making me realize it. He is the ideal man for many many people let me tell you. He was for me before I worked my feelings out that I just can't get into guys. He is the most intelligent, funniest person I ever have knows, and is so, so very sweet and noble. He did everything right and I didn't feel any internal push to get closer. Didn't feel a drive to be physically closer. Didn't feel a drive for anything past the fun cliché dates that we were doing. 

It's not like I never kiss him. I do. But I don't make out with him, and to be frank the idea of making out with a guy, any guy, and anything past that makes me uncomfortable. Lee hasn't pushed for it or asked for it but the idea of it....no...I just can't. I really just can't. 

This post is more my coming out than my explanation on, that will come shortly after I tell Lee, which will be shortly after I post this. Better he hears it from me than reads it from me. That could just be a disaster. 

Well wish me luck, I need it.

Resolution?

So Mom made a resolution to get to know her kids better. She feels like she spends far to much time raising them to actually make a life and create a bond with them.

Well...shit.

I meen that's grate and all but it makes me nervous as hell.

Because as close as she want's to get...there are somethings and people not ready to come out yet and I'm still working thought who I am and what my sexuality is and what I want to do and I'm afraid of her.

I know I'll have to face it sooner or later but I'm not ready and I can think of a few others who aren't ready yet as well.

One the other hand if this doesn't get met with rejection and underhanded ways to try and convince me I am not *fill in the blank* it would be nice to actually get to talk things out with a parent. I don't dare try Dad. I just can't right now.

So what am I supposed to do? half truths? lie? blurt it out and hope the bomb shelter holds up? I'm so confused.