To quiet?

So, Lee and several of people that contacted him one way or another (internet-wise I think) have hinted at and flat out stated that Lee might just well, off himself. As much as his psychological health is not my responcabilaty, and as much as he drove me bat shit crazy for a bit I do care about him as a person.

I didn't feel like it would be a good idea for me to call him, so I texted a family member.

and they called immediately because that was the first they'd heard of it. Apparently he's fine, possibly about to join the military. They're going to watch him, just to be sure.

So all is well...I think.

Irate twas I

So I have now reached the point that I can write more about the split with Lee and the things that went alright. And the things that made me bang my head against the wall. Mostly these are the things that make bang my head against a wall.

So this split didn't go as well as planed. Not the after the part, I had a few ideas of how it would go but...how sure can you bee things will turn out when you tell the boyfriend who dated you in full knowledge of you and your polly girl friend that your well...gay.

For starters, my web cam wasn't working so this was all done over Skype IM. Not preferable but I didn't feel comfortable waiting any longer. So I told him.
And waited.
And got the response of "Alright? Is that all?"

Several blinks later I replied with something along the lines of "As in lesbian...as in your a guy...as in I'm so sorry..." and that went on for a little while. Lee told me not to apologize for being who I was and that made it a little easier and we ended on the note of he needed a bit of time to take it all in, as he was still in shock. After talking about some other things, like his dad had stopped cemo but was still doing alright, his cat was still cute and fluffy, younger siblings were all doing good he said he probably wouldn't be able to talk until the next day or the day after, as he was still in shock. He also said that he wasn't going to out me to his family.

I was okay with this. I needed a bit of space too. So we said goodnight and sweet dreams, I wandered down the hall to Ali's room, told her I had done it and received snuggles of comfort.

So far all was going pretty okay. A bit better than I expected.

Went back to my room, got around for bed and looked back at Skype. Lee had left a message. I full sized my screen and still had to scroll three times. That in it's self was not frustrating. Hard to read as there were no paragraph brakes but the size wasn't frustrating.

What was frustrating was the context and the lack of two days. Context more than the lack.

Was it that I was still pan but not polly? Was it just the strain of a long distance relationship? Do I not feel the urge to get close because we are so far apart? Questions like that, that I had taken under very careful consideration before hand. Admittedly yes, the long distance was straining, and a lot of them were yet other resins to end a relationship.

And then he just didn't seem to get that we were done. That it was over. I was gay he was a guy. It wouldn't work. Not just because of the sex but that there wouldn't be an underlying drive to make it work. It would just sit and become increasingly more uncomphtraul. He wanted us to talk in person about it before we called it off.

I understand wanting to talk...but it was done.

The way I see it is, it take two or more to make a relationship. One to end it. If the one person says it's done, then well it's done. He also seemed to hint at having wanted to date Ali as well, but I might have miss read that. Either way it wouldn't have worked out. Ali says that only one other person has as little chemistry between them and her, than Lee and she did.

I didn't know what to say so I just went to bed.

And woke up the next morning with a voice memo. In short it said that we should still get together...because he was also not completely straight.

And then the texts. They would all be one message but they would go up to 23-25 texts long, so my phone would just jingle for a minuet and a half. Again they were all things that I didn't really know how to respond to. So I didn't. It just kept sounding more and more that he ignored that I was done and texted Ali once as well.

According to her it went off a few times, and when it continued she had time to put her pants on come down the hall, open my door and hold the phone out to me. At that point I looked up at her and blinked "Yes?"
The text alert went off again. And again. And again.
"Oh, I'm sorry love."

She went through it a bit later came back and said, "It had nothing to do with me, also he doesn't seem to get that your gay."

And the texts came again. Some where incredibly guilt tripping. Most where in fact. It was getting to the point of putting a rift between Ali and I. She was tiered of hearing about it, as it wasn't her relationship. She didn't really get why she was pulled into it. She was there for me at first but after so much of "Lee's doing this" it got old. I don't blame her. It was stressing me out and in turn stressing my relationship with Ali and she hadn't even been dating the guy or even interested.

Finally I gave in and called him, like he wanted. He again tried to ask if we could just try going slower.

"Lee, I'm a lesbian, we can go as slow as you want and it still wont move."

The one thing that really got under my skin was that he felt betrayed and cheated on that I was not open and honest about being gay with him...but it was perfectly okay that his sexuality discoveries and pondering were not brought out at all until after we broke up, and only then it seemed as a way to try and get me back. Because "It didn't change the status quo of our relationship".

What. The. Fuck.

Nonononono. If one of us is betraying for an action we both did, then we both are betraying. You can't claim that I did some grate wrong by not telling you the second I thought I was a lesbian but it's okay for you. It dose not fucking work like that.

I also clearly said that I needed time and space about six times. I got that for most of a day.

And then he turned my personal blog into his personal therapy session. I was pissed. Very, very pissed. I recall words like 'asshole' and 'what the fuck' being hurled at my screen and I was seriously second guessing my stance of never tearing down comments. I got my roommate Skye to look up with how much I looked like I was trying to implode the internet with my mind. I stormed down the hall and screamed into Ali's pillow as she patted my back.

Luckily I am much more polite when I respond to things.

Lee and I have spoken a bit since then but I'm not running to rekindle a close friendship any more. I would like to remain friends because he was a really nice guy as we were dating but right now I am willing to just be aquantinces.

Ali and I are doing better. A few good snuggle talks will fix things up better than you'd expect. My friends at Hollins are still cautioning me to keep a good distance. Apparently his lack of spoken word made them all uncomfortable when he came up to see me...and his recent actions were not particularly charming to them.

So yes. That's the less cheerful, less fluffy part of my side of this whole thing. Ta-flippin-Da.

Talks

So who do you talk to when you question your sexuality. Well it all depends on you, really. Some people are really good with just the internet, some that friend you see every day and some people even talk to the clergy.

Well this is who I talked to.

Not Lee.

Not even Ali.

Friends that I hadn't see face to face in about three years. Over Skype. It is very handy to have friends that you don't talk to for years and they you just pick up like it was yesterday when you talk again. So we talked about what they were doing and talked about life and I think with one I debated witch legendary pokemon would make the best world travailing compainion. I choose Ente (If that's how you spell it). No legendary I want a herd of Evee's, evolved and non.

And then I told them. "So....I think I'm a lesbian..."

And we worked through that. I got a lot of "Well...I can't say I'm surprised." Or "That makes since."

Only when I was 99.9999999% sure I was gay did I talk to closer friends like Juliet. That just confirmed what I was already thinking. Then I told Ali.

The thing about coming out is, no matter who what or where I still get nervous. Ali is my girl friend and I still had that 'ohshitohshitohshit' feeling.

From there you can all guess, I told Lee and we ended.

As for why I didn't talk to Ali or Lee about this I have pretty good resins. In the very least they are good to me.

For starters, the feelings weren't anything new. It's something I've been dealing with since I realized people don't have cooties. It wasn't a big news flash to me that said feelings were creeping up again and so I didn't news flash it. Secondly, they were both dating me at the time. Not exactly unbiased. Even Ali, who had no risk of my sexuality causing things to end.

Also I've been talked out of being gay before and convinced I wasn't. Yes it was along time ago but I didn't want to risk it, and to be honest I was afraid of something like that happening with Lee. As sweet as he is there is still the:
"So, boyfriend....male...guy...I think I might be a lesbian. Have you any thoughts?"

I just couldn't do it.

So I didn't tell him till a few days after I was absolutely sure, and well here we are now.

So I'm not Pan....well shit

Hi, My name's JR and I'm a Lesbian. 

Yes I know I said I was Pan. I know, I know...but I'm not. I don't like the male sex. As people they're grate. I have many guy friends and I think they're all real cool. I know I'm dating Lee who is very much a man. I know. 

It was really because I was dating Lee that it started making me realize it. He is the ideal man for many many people let me tell you. He was for me before I worked my feelings out that I just can't get into guys. He is the most intelligent, funniest person I ever have knows, and is so, so very sweet and noble. He did everything right and I didn't feel any internal push to get closer. Didn't feel a drive to be physically closer. Didn't feel a drive for anything past the fun cliché dates that we were doing. 

It's not like I never kiss him. I do. But I don't make out with him, and to be frank the idea of making out with a guy, any guy, and anything past that makes me uncomfortable. Lee hasn't pushed for it or asked for it but the idea of it....no...I just can't. I really just can't. 

This post is more my coming out than my explanation on, that will come shortly after I tell Lee, which will be shortly after I post this. Better he hears it from me than reads it from me. That could just be a disaster. 

Well wish me luck, I need it.

Sweet and Sappy

Lee is cliché in all the best ways.

First date, we walked around the arboretum, date two we went shooting, date three in the zoo and then dinner with his family, and so on.

We go on walks. We go out to dinners. We sit up at the park and talk.

Yesterday was the last time I got to see him down here so we went out again. He picked me up and we went out to Ganges Grill where his sister worked.

Did you know it's incredibly painful to try and swallow lemonade and hold back laughing at the same time?

I can't pin it down but he just makes me laugh. He doesn't have to say or do anything, when I look at him I get so happy I start giggling.

Also when ever I have the chance to leave 'spechel requirements/preferences' I add notes like "Make with tender love and care" or "Malice and spite"

"I have one made with some TLC?"

YES! They did it! Finally.

Anyway. Lee pulled up to the park again and had yet another surprise. A picnic in the park. With cherry chocolate cheesecake! Oh my gosh! It had to be the best pie of my life! And he gave me his jacket because it was cold.

Also why dose everyone I like lick my nose?

No really.

Inbetween the tickle fight, that broke out and was rather one sided, he licked me on the nose. I love such silly people.

I can't wait for him to come up to Hollins!

We're not art people

At least not modern-ish art. Ali is an art person, so maybe someday we can bring her along and she can explain it all to us.

Last night thou it was just Lee and I wandering around an art museum. A modern art museum. It was fun and there were a few peaces that I did really like...they were the ones that I didn't think I could do myself.

Now I know that somewhere out there there's probably a few artists that want to stab me with their brushes for saying that, but I'm not an...abstract modern art person. I like the ones that look challenging to pull off. The blurs of colors just don't to me.

We did plot how to steal a head statue...thingy...that we couldn't decide if it looked sad or happy. So there?

It was fun thou I really missed him and afterwards we went out to eat at an Asian Buffet. It had really good sushi and egg drop soup and chicken. And the company always helps. I could talk to him for weeks and never get bored with it. I swear when I'm around him sometimes I start giggling just because I'm so happy he's there.

I know that sounds over sweet but it's true.

The week is still young so maybe we'll be abel to sneak back out. That would be nice.

Here's hopeing.

The boyfriend is coming the boyfriend is coming

Lee is coming up to Hollins to see me! I'm so excited and happy!

He's never flown before so it's a first for him

Another first is that, well he happens to be coming the weekend of Winter Ball. So it's his first formal too. He was home schooled, so he's never had one before.

I'm so happy! I've missed Lee so much, and where yes I'm going back to Texas this week end for Thanksgiving I still and more excited for him coming up here.

He and Ali can meet in person. He'll see my home. We can run around and do Jazz and Lee things. All good fun.

I can't wait!

So many Y's

It seems to be bring your boyfriend to campus weekend. Or day. I'm not sure which yet. Prosbies are coming tomorrow so all hosts are forbidden to have overnight guests. Don't want to make things awkward for the little prosbies, and politeness. Also next week end is Ring Night and anyone who is not currently going to Hollins is not allowed near any Ring Night activity.

Perhaps I'm just noticing more than usawal because I really miss Lee. He's all the way in Texas. I love Ali but she's not Lee and they can't replace each other. On the bright side, late this month or early next he'll be here to visit me at Hollins! I'm so excited! Then he and Ali can meet in person and not just over skype.

Also he's terrified of hights, but he's flying in to see me. This will be the first time he's ever been on a plane. I personally love flying, but you know, it's not for everyone I suppose. Still it meens so much that he would get on a plane for me. I'd like to think that I'd go through a house of clowns for him....but if I'm honest it'll have to take some real motivation to get me to willingly go through that. Like his life in imetiat danger of no longer going on. Then I know I would gladly knife/pepper-spray/shoot my way through any amount of clowns. (Don't laugh, clowns are twisted evil things.)

Anyway I'm off to go clean as I'm due to get a prosbie tomorrow and my room is a bit of a pit.

Dreams and Hopes

So we have come to the point of the night where I must confess that my parents goals for me and my goals don't match up.

Mom and Dad's dream:

 I'm in a nice house with lots and lots of little babies and a good husband and career. Lots of money and success. Possibly some presteege. Also the husband will be clean and Christian (But that's mostly mom). I will be close to them and all the other little ones. Oh and vote republican.

Mine:

Where I will Live

In (Preferably) a small cottage, on a small to medium farm somewhere that's not Texas, farming some vegetables and fruits and some trees or melons or vines would be nice too. Perhaps enough to make a profit in a farmers market but at least enough to even out the cost of maintaing it. I've always liked eating fresh fruits and veggies.

Also on this farm I'd like to have some chickens and bees for fresh eggs and honey.

Really I'd like to be as self sustaining as possible. Solar panels and all. I'd have a little pond for fish if it wasn't so much. I might eventually but in my plans for now, no fish pond.

Also on this farm I will have an Irish Wolfhound named Pillage. If I get a second one I'll name them Plunder

Why?

Well besides being absolutely adorable, Wolfhounds are incredibly intelligent. You can train them with just your tone of voice, and they have a remarkable memory. Also they are incredibly loyal and good with kids.

They were used as dogs of war and after a long day of killing and tearing men apart limb from limb they would go home and curl up with the kids by the fire and watch them and sleep at the foot of their beds. They are huge dogs, I met one and his nose was in my ribs, but they don't eat much. They don't binge they just eat what they need and then go on with their day. They apparently don't need that much space to be happy.

Also I love horses. The light race horses are nice and all and I like going fast and racing the wind and that lovely feeling of flying, but nothing compares to a good heavy draft horse. My favorite breed are the Shier horses.

They're huge.

And beautiful.

And mine will be named after a Hobbit. Most likely Samwise Gamgee. I love Sam, he is my favorite Hobbit.

I would use mine to pull a cart around or plow, but also to ride. I will most likely do bare back, and if I can train him/her to be rode with out a bridle as well, and just go by the tug on the mane I would be so happy.

It dose not hurt a horse to have their mane tugged on, pulled on mercilessly probably, but tugged on no.

The last mostly outdoor/outdoor animal is a trained Barn Owl.

Have you ever petted a barn owl? It's like petting fluffy air. I've also always wanted my falconers license, but most of the falcons you don't keep, as part of a preservation for nature thing. At least that's how it works with, I believe, the red falcons. People care for them for the first year where they're most likely to die and then release them.

Nothing against that. I'd love to participate in that, but I'd like a bird of prey to stay with me and sit on my shoulder, and all that.

Who I shall Wed

At this point in my life I will mary Lee and Ali.

Mother would not approve. Dad probably wouldn't as well but not nearly as much as Mother dear's hell fire rage. You'd think I was sprinting to hell for an orgy or something.

Sometimes in Poly relationships theres a primary, meaning that for person A their person B comes before all others. I don't do this, Ali doesn't ether. Lee hasn't ever been in a poly relationship before, but I'm pretty sure I'm his primary. He's also not seeing anyone else so there's that too.

Still there are no two people that I would rather have in my life forever. And they seem to like me too so always a plus~!

Poor Ali thou, she's from a tiny family (2 kids with her dad, 3 with her mom). Lee has about 14 if I remember correctly and I have 10. Lee and mine's idea of a good size for a family, not to big not to small is 6. All the blood drains from Ali's face when we say this.

It's something that will be discussed further down the rode.


Job

Really I want my books that I write to take off enough that I don't have to do anything else. I'll have my etsy for some small bonuses, and I'd like to be a masusse/hot stone therapist as well.

There is a camp I want to open five years down the rode from now that's a post on it's own.

But as far as a career job job I'd like to do sport therapy with special needs kids.

It's something I knowtsied with myself that I focus best and am usawaly happiest outside doing someting. Soccer team might be hard to get enough to start with but things like ridding, Archery, things that can be done alone or in a group.

But I really want to be abul to do that for nearly free. A lot of times the families are already tied buy prescriptions and therapies. So I really really want my books to take off.

And then not have to have a career. That would be nice. Then everything I do will be because I want to do it not because I need money.

Religion and other tidbits

None of us are that chruchy. Mom has become super churchy, but I must say it doesn't transfer over. Christian yes. In the pew every Sunday...not so much.

Voting...I will vote for who I think is the most qualified and like this race it could end up being third party. Librarian, gun rights and gay rights!


That's about it.

My parents and I still love each other but oh my are there things I don't bother to tell them. The farm part is probably okay...the wed and job part...weeeellll. And we don't talk politics at all. It's just a bad idea.

Anyone else have a dream? Want a tinny house? Farm?

The hearts over the parts

Sexuality is like a bunch of Skittle Chickens. Each one is beautiful and unique down to the very chicken that's colored. What I define as my sexuality I've already been told by many that it doesn't exist.  That I'm really just bi and should stop trying to be sepecal or that I'm really straight, and have been fooled in to thinking I could possibly like girls. Pan isn't a real sexuality and you can't be one thing leaning another, so the fact that I say I'm leaning Demi is absoulty propostours.

But you see even if you group all of the little pan blue chicks together and all of the little yellow straight chicks together and all of the little purple asexual chicks together, and the little green gay chicks and the little orange bi chicks and the pink chicks who are forever confused like my friend Juliette you haven't grouped together a bunch of identical chicks. Yes they are all the same cute fluffy color but that dosn't meen that bi chick named Bill won't mostly go for girls or that the straight chick named Patty isn't open to maybe trying something out with another girl chick. There again there's Pam who will only date, love and have sex with boy chicks thank you. All are acceptable. 

Okay, here are the nitty gritty definitions of my three love search bars I suppose you could call them? Pansexual, Dimisexual, and Polyamory. 

How they work to me is as fallows, with adorable pictures for each:

Pansexual/Dimisexual:

Gender doesn't matter. Looks don't mean anything on how attracted I am to you. So it really doesn't matter if your male, female, gender queer, male and female, nothing at all, transgender. It truly doesn't matter to me. The soiatal standers of beauty are screwy anyway. If I love you you are the most beautiful/handsome person I have ever seen.
This works on the flip-side as well. Ali has stretch marks, and I always thought they were some of the coolest things ever and called them tiger stripes...because well they look like white tiger stripes. They're beautiful.

I saw someone else with stretch marks that I just down right despised and I clearly remember thinking that it looked like a parasite was festering and breading inside him causing him to rot away.

I have to be atracted to you as a person before your body will do anything for me at all. Look at it this way. Apparently many people find Tony Stark attractive. I'm sorry. No matter how much he grew as a person in the Avengers, Iron Man and Iron Man II really just killed any chance I would ever find him good looking. To much of an ass.


Now I've heard that some Dimi's just don't get anything at all from looking at a body, even if it is someone they are attracted to emotionally that inhabits said body; also from what I gather Pan usawaly or at least in many cases means you can also be atracted to a person's body.  I'm in that little place in the middle.

Thus why I say Pan with a Dimi leaning.

Gender doesn't matter, and it truly is what's on the inside that counts for me. Even people like Thor, Hawkeye, Aragorn, Syrena, Charlie's Angels, Or any of these other people that I don't know the names of. I can see that, yes, they are attractive, but I am not attracted to them. I don't know them. As odd as it sounds I just don't like them. Not even crush. Or fantisize. I don't know them...so I just don't.

Once I am attracted to you...good golly you can be one of the most attractive people I have ever seen. Ali and Lee both can just...I don't know how, but just look so...so...thought stopingly fantastic, and sexy, and amazing and beautiful, and handsome all at once.

Also sometimes I just get turned on by how they look.

Let me tell you they can look veeerrryyy good.

Like "Oh...hello there..." good.

So their bodies do something for me, believe me they do, but only because I already love them.

Am I making sense? 

Now for Polyamory:

It's not about sex, or not getting enough of XYZ from ether Ali or Lee, because they are both more amazing than I could have ever dreamed. It's more like there isn't a little love bottle that has the sole amount of love that I can ever give.

This bottle, as cute as it is, dose not exist for me. The way I see it is that I can love multiple people at the same time and it doesn't mean that I love any of my wonderful loves any less. There's a beautiful amount of vulnerability and trust and open honestly that comes with a poly relationship. It, for me, is about love and not getting more sex or dates or XYZ.

Yes I have sex, but as of now only with Ali. Lee and I aren't that far along, and we just may not be engaging in the sexy times. That is something Lee and I will work out, and should we decide to engage in the sexy times, Ali will be aware. We've already discussed it me and her and she is okay with me doing what ever I am okay with from hand holding to handcuffs and all in-between, just keep her in the loop. Not a play by play, I just don't do that, and that's me. But something like "Hay, last night Lee and I made love and it was really nice." or "Last night/whenever, we did **activity**"

Lee is aware that Ali and I are active and is okay with that. There's no hiding anything. 

Yes I may get more dates than the average 20something woman but, that's just a nice side effect. 

Also just because I'm polly, dose not mean that I am out to just date about. Lee has already told me that he's not sure he is okay with multiple males and would rather I didn't date another man. This isn't any controlling, block or anything. This is comunication. Lee isn't okay with multiple men and me loving multiple men, so I won't date multiple men. 

(Also Lee is just fantastic, I don't think I'd even meet another man that could even come in spitting distance.)

Ali doesn't mind multiple woman and neither dose Lee, and just because they date me doesn't meen they date each other. It's different for every polly couple or group or person. Even in our lovely trio. 

As for how it works well:

Ali is polly = "JR you may date as many as you wish so long as you are happy/healthy and I still have quality time with you. I love you, keep me posted." 

I (JR) am polly = "Ali and Lee, you may go date and find love where and how you wish. Keep me posted, and ask first how I feel about them too please, but over all, go have fun."

Lee is = "I love you, I don't know if I'm polly, but I shall be opened minded. Please don't date other men."

That's the short hand at least.

If you're still confused here is another way I can explain it: 

Ali is the hamster clinging to the plant, I am the one with the flower, Lee is the one on the log. Ali is happy for me when I find other people I love, as am I for her. (She dated a very lovely woman for a while and was very happy.) Ali encourages I go out and after people I find attractive, sometimes to the point of walking up and telling them that I have a crush on them like she did once before. 

Lee has just been monogamous, to my knowledge, up to this point. He is happy I have Ali, "Why would I be upset that other people find you as wonderful as I do," and we both are incredibly happy we have each other. He is keeping an open mind, and there are people out there who are okay with dating someone who is polly but are not polly themselves and that's okay. He may be polly. It's up to him.

I am in the middle. Very happy with my two wonderful loves and okay if they find other loves, and okay if things stay the way they are.

Am I clear? Sometimes explaining these things can be difficult. If not feel free to ask questions and I will gladly answer them. 

also none of these photos, as cute as they are belong to me.

The story of Ali and Lee

So hate to disappoint anyone out there holding out for the fairy-tail no problems ever story, or the lesbian girl get's in straight girls pants and magically turns her gay story, or the lesbian turned straight by prince charming story or the wild porno story.

Yeah none of that happened.

What did happen thou in my opinion is far better because it was real and full of loves and snuggles.

It starts out much before Ali thou. I was ridding back in the car with Mom from my high school and I looked at her and said "I think I have a crush on a girl. Her name is Femmy and she's smart and funny and so pretty and––,"
"You don't have a crush on her, you're confusing admiration for something else."

And I argued for maybe a moment more then quit and took her word for it. After all she was older and I still bought into the Mom knows all. I was stright. Why not I know I could be attracted to boys and that they didn't have cooties. Straight was less trouble and less arguing. I dated a very nice young man for almost two years, and then broke up. A few months later went to Hollins.

Enter Ang.

Ang and I were in a circle of friends that were very close and I found my self with another 'admeration' for a woman. Little did I know she had a crush on me as well. Long story short it didn't go anywhere. I thought she was to traditional and would never like me that way. She thought I was too straight and catholic and would never like her that way. She left Hollins later that year and is now engaged to a wonderful man she loves and we're still good friends.

Center stage Ali

So Ali and I became very good best friends. Lots of platonic snuggles and cuddles. Well one day we were snuggaling and I asked her to teach me how to kiss.
Yes.
That is how I broke the ice.
Not "I think you're cute. Lets go down town to that hotdog place." or anything like that but "Can you teach me how to kiss?"

And we liked it.
so we did it again.
and again
and again
and again
and never told anyone.

We didn't want to. Everyone had been teasing and telling us that we would both end up dating and then were rather rude about it when we said "No we're just best friends. And we're straight."We were. We identified as straight so there for we were. Also the 'gay-er' we acted in privet the straighter we felt. There wasn't a sudden urge to go kiss the female population of the world. We would joke around and sing "you are the only aception..." to each other.

And then we both started thinking and it very slowly came to be "you are that other aception."

Yeah.

but we knew we weren't gay. We like guys. After much talking and deep thought we decided we weren't straight, but we wern't gay. Ali is bi and I'm pan, leaning demi. About a year later we came out to our friends in privet, and then several months after that we just started showing affection in public like cheek kisses and quick kisses on the lips but only when family wasn't even thinking of being around. We are still not ready for parents to know.

For awhile it was Ali and me. Then this past summer I got a job for the BSA.

Enter Lee.

First of watching him shoot is like watching a god. Just saying.
Anyway.
I was a first year out there, and apparently earned the tittle of badass. (I like hard labor. It;s good thinking work and you feel wonderful when it's done.) I got to teach archery, but had never taught a merit badge class before. Lee came over to help me and I spent a class watching him and how he did it. I fell for Lee pretty quick but didn't say anything. I was at a BSA camp. the Boy Scouts of America is not well known for their acceptance of the Queer Community. Not that I thought he would go spread it around or anything like that. I trusted him to keep my secret that I was pan and currently dating a woman. (I was not open at all about my love life. As far as anyone besides my tent mate knew I was single and just not looking...also most of the other staffers there were all jail-baite and I like staying out of jail and not being creepy.) I trusted him but I had already forged a good friendship with him and did not want anything to change that.

Little did I know that he liked me too.

He had told me once but I thought he'd meant as a friend.
Hi I'm JR and things fly over my head.
And that's not the only thing that flew over my head.
"If you beat me in archery I'll take you out to dinner."
He ment it as asking me out. I took it at the face value of a bet.

Now there were a few people I had come out to. Mostly the few other female staffers. The important one in this part of the story is Kitty. Kitty seemed pretty fascinated with the idea of being polly and pan and asked alot of questions and I was more than happy to answer them. She promised she wouldn't tell and she was far from judgeing. It was wonderful.

Well Lee asked Kitty about me and she told him. She'd known him for a long time and well I'll still throw something at her for it but probably more the size of a washer than a rock. She did that on week two I belive. Two or three. He found out about Ali and even thou I was polly he didn't want to accidentally mess up something I already had so he didn't say anything other than the bet.

Now I thought it was just a bet. And I beet him with a score of 63 the first time. and we went out to dinner. and I thought that was the end of it.
nope.
When I beet him again with a score of 99-98 and then again with 112-111 I got dinner.
My tent mate and I were using all our womanly skills to get to the bottom of this. It was really just her singing "Heeee liiikes yooou" and me saying, "There's no way it has to be something else....you really think so?" and Ali on the phone, "He obviously likes you back, go kiss him already!"

The powers of female logic.

Well it's the last week of camp, on the last night off, it's my birthday, shooting sports and aquatics have gotten together in the traditional party on a beach off camp. The party was really fun, they surprised me with cake. the sand was soft, the food was good, the cake was delicious.  It was just a good time all around. Every one under 21 had to be back at camp before midnight so all us non-drinking age staffers got in the van and Lee drove us back. He dropped the guys off at their side of the camp and was driving me to the far corner where female staff stays. It was my birthday. Just us in the car. Why not.

So I took a deep breth. "I like you."
"...okay?"
silence for a moment, as we pulled up next the female hideaway I looked at him, "When I said I liked you. I ment I liked you liked you. Well goodnight!"

Next day at the range.

Lee: "I was really tiered last night, so I might have miss heard. What was the last thing you said before you ran away?"
Me: "I didn't run I skipped!"
Lee: "Before you frolicked away. What did you say?"
Me: "That I like you."
Lee: "...You sure took your time telling me."
Me: "Well you didn't say anything."
Lee: "I asked you out to dinner!"
Me: "When....oooooohhhh." *faceplam*

We danced around in conversations figuring out what we were to each other for a few days before settling into ourselves and it's been wonderful since then.

We got to go out on three dates after camp and before I left for school. Once out to the arboretum at night to see these wacky glass sculptures. Once to go out shooting. Once to go to the zoo and then meet his family.

So that is the tail of Ali, Lee, and me.

Mother Dear, and little pollywog me

Something I have noticed is that the stress in my life doesn't come from where most people would expect. Or rather where my mother and her churchy friends would expect. 

It's not because I'm Pansexual. 

It's not because I'm Poly and currently dating two people.

It's not because I'm oh so far away from home.

It's not because I've lost my faith.

It's not because of a lot of things.

I'm very sure of my sexuality. I am in the very least Pan, possibly leading towards Demi. I'll let you know after I do more research. But this doesn't stress me out at all. I'm very happy with my sexuality. It's not stressing me out or anything. The way I see it, I have more chances to find the ones I love and I just couldn't be happier with who I have found. 

Which brings us to point two. Surprise surprise, dating two people is not stressful. That is not to say it doesn't have it's stress, every relationship dose. But there's no real drama in my life from them. I am currently dating an absolutely wonderful man, A king among men I would say, Lee, and Ali, an amazing woman who is an angel. Both of them are fully aware of each other and have seen each other over skype and it's all good. It's not stressful because there is a pletharla of communication. Amazingly when everyone is honest and checks in frequently there is a dearth of drama.

Now point three. I don't get homesick. I felt really bad about it freshman year but I don't. I've only gotten homesick and that was over the summer wanting to go back to Hollins. You see Hollins is more than a school it's a home. Your friends become family and it's amazing. I do miss my family that I have blood ties to, really I do, but I don't miss living with them. I miss seeing the little ones grow up and being there for them and all that but I don't miss being used as free baby-sitting at the drop of a hat. I don't miss having them still try and control my bed time and my life when I go home for school holidays. I miss them. I just don't ever want to live with them for years and years or even months at a time again. 

I have not lost my faith. God is a really nice guy and Jesus is cool and I'm actually doing more in depth research about the Bible and more firm in my belief now that I have lost my love for religion. It's put rather nicely here. See I would go to church and slowly begin to realize...I'm not getting anything out of it. I feel more in touch with the holy three when I'm just wandering about have causal conversations with them in my head. I saw the most preachy 'divout' people act hypocritically and very rarely practice what they preach. So rather than fallow them I just metaphorically stood up and walked out. 

What's stressful is that my Mom doesn't know any of this. 

Mom and I used to be incredibly close. We would share secrets and laugh and be completely open with each other. That changed when I went away for my first year. I didn't realize it at first. I thought we were still very tight and snuggly. I would reassure Ali that should the shit just hit to many fans with her family we could run away to mine. 

Because my Mom was going to accept us when we came out. 

I didn' realize it till after my brother came out to her as gay that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to speak up and snuggle close. He's still around and loved in the house but there is this sadness Mom gets for him. This absolute sorrow that he will go to hell should he ever act on that feeling of love he might develop. She made it clear that he was not to tell anyone else in our family and that he was not welcome to bring friends over unless they were women. 

I was at this time slowly poking around and contemplating that I may not be straight. I had always known I could be attracted to guys and that was what seemed to be approved so I had stopped there in high school and not gone...soul searching? But Mom's very clear brimstone view stopped my plans to talk with her and get another look at it. 

So I backed away a step or two there. 

Now the next year she came to family weekend. Met Ali. Spent maybe at most 4 hours with her around, and that's being generous. She then came to me months later and confessed that she vary nearly packed my bags and brought me back home, because Ali was obviously "grooming" me to be her love interest and was going to molest and rape me.

Uhm. No. 

She didn't even know we were/are dating. Ali never takes advantage of me, and should I ever be even the slightest bit uncomfortable, she stops. Just stops and we talk and then maybe try again if I feel better or we do something else. And not a "Come on just relax and go with it" but a "What is wrong? It's okay you're safe. Why did you feel that way? What do you feel okay doing now?" kinda talk. And I do the same for her. 

Not a rapist. 

At this time Ali and I decide that being poly is something that makes sense to us. The idea that love is not a limited amount and by loving two people, one dose not love ether any more or any less. We gave it a try with a friend. It didn't work out for various reasons. This was the friends first time in a relationship so it was hard for her to give us any clear "This is what I want and where I want to go and how fast/slow" as well as other things. So it didn't work out but she is still one of my closest friends Ali and I have. 

This year I, along with my friend Juliette make the realization that as much as we love the Church...we don't quite fit anymore. Mom also starts getting more churchy back home. 

This past summer was very tense at the house. I was trying my plan of "Convince my mom that my school is not liberal heathen brainwashing" so I had to stay quite about my self and tried to put on the conservative, husband-seeking, church loving face she wanted. 

I actively lied to my mom. Actively. To her face. 

This was something that I would have never dreamed of doing before, but if she knew dear Lord...I would be shipped off to a cloistered nunnery. Or if I was allowed to go anywhere for school again it would have to be a coed campus, close to home, and not ever two inches outside of the state. 

I lucked out and got a job working a BSA camp as a Range Master. 

Exit me from house for two solid months. 

Enter Lee. 

The story of Lee, Ali, and Me is a post in it's self, but in short hand, I fell fast and hard. Checked with Ali about every night when I called her to see how she was and she was okay with it ("Go kiss him already!") And by the end of it we were dating. (this really is a post on it's own)

Mom simultaneously aproves and disapproves when I come back and she meets him, and we go out for the last month I'm in the state. 

Positives

• He has man parts=daughter not a dyke!
• makes daughter happy
• brought cookies
• is very much the gentle man

Negatives

• Has ear piercing
• is not in collage
• hair is dyed

It's like Mom watched to much Disney and expects that to be exactly what I walk through the door with, fluffy animals and songs included. Well Lee is better than Disney, so there. 

She is aware I'm in love with and dating Lee, but not Ali.

And it's not even so much her disapproval that stresses me out but how she will act on it. Pull me out of school, never let me leave the house, never let me leave the state. I am very much protected by those that love me and by the fact that I am across the country at school but I am also very, very venerable to anything that happens back home.

It's just scary sometimes that the one you used to trust most is the one you're most afraid to turn to.