Mom just miscarried.
She was two months in and hadn't told anyone but Dad yet, and spent the night and most of today in the hospital. I just got the news.
They're not telling a lot of people because, well people like to make smart ass comments about the size of our family. No really, they see ten kids and the filter just seems to switch off. We've gotten cracks about everything from population growth and how dare you kill the environment, to 'Oh well maybe you could stay off welfare if you didn't have so many. We're not on welfare.
So I get the feeling that just the older kids and their close family knows. Most friends and relatives will proboblsy never know that this happened.
After Dad and I hung up the phone I just kinda sat there. She may drive me crazy but she's my Mom and I love her. I can't stop myself from wondering who we lost. Imagining all the different ways a little baby looks wrapped up in a blanket. Remembering how it feels to have one fall asleep when you hold them, or how they curl up to your chest in the shower, tucking their head under your chin.
I want to go home so I can take care of her. I'm the oldest girl, I should be there. I should be taking care of her, watching kids, cooking, cleaning, doing home repairs. Something.
I'm afraid that one day that will be me. That my PCOS has killed any chance that when Ali and I have/adopt kids that they will be my kids. That I'll be the one in the hospital room, when all Ali can do is hold my hand.
Ali came into the room only a few minuets later and she just held me as I burst into tears and sobbed.
And even now, I still can't stop wondering who we lost.
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Mom and Dad
So my parents and I are on good tearms. We have been for a while but it just dawned on me yesterday. Mom and I are sending jokes through text back and forth. Dad's helping me with my taxes. None of us are mentioning anyhting like religion, tuition, or politics to each other but you know what, I'm okay with that.
It's taken a while but I think I'm okay with not being abul to talk to Mom or Dad about certin things. I had missed us just talking and jokeing about. Mom and I even went to a spa together when I was down on brake.
I think now it's not so much ignoring the tension and distance between us (Mom more than Dad), it's not bringing up anything that could push us further apart. I'm not saying I'm all peaches and giggles with them, but I'm contented. At least for now.
That's not to say I don't still get nervous about them or anything like that, but it is nice to just be a daughter sometimes.
It's taken a while but I think I'm okay with not being abul to talk to Mom or Dad about certin things. I had missed us just talking and jokeing about. Mom and I even went to a spa together when I was down on brake.
I think now it's not so much ignoring the tension and distance between us (Mom more than Dad), it's not bringing up anything that could push us further apart. I'm not saying I'm all peaches and giggles with them, but I'm contented. At least for now.
That's not to say I don't still get nervous about them or anything like that, but it is nice to just be a daughter sometimes.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Dreams and Hopes
So we have come to the point of the night where I must confess that my parents goals for me and my goals don't match up.
Mom and Dad's dream:
I'm in a nice house with lots and lots of little babies and a good husband and career. Lots of money and success. Possibly some presteege. Also the husband will be clean and Christian (But that's mostly mom). I will be close to them and all the other little ones. Oh and vote republican.
Mine:
Where I will Live
In (Preferably) a small cottage, on a small to medium farm somewhere that's not Texas, farming some vegetables and fruits and some trees or melons or vines would be nice too. Perhaps enough to make a profit in a farmers market but at least enough to even out the cost of maintaing it. I've always liked eating fresh fruits and veggies.
Also on this farm I'd like to have some chickens and bees for fresh eggs and honey.
Really I'd like to be as self sustaining as possible. Solar panels and all. I'd have a little pond for fish if it wasn't so much. I might eventually but in my plans for now, no fish pond.
Also on this farm I will have an Irish Wolfhound named Pillage. If I get a second one I'll name them Plunder
Why?
Well besides being absolutely adorable, Wolfhounds are incredibly intelligent. You can train them with just your tone of voice, and they have a remarkable memory. Also they are incredibly loyal and good with kids.
They were used as dogs of war and after a long day of killing and tearing men apart limb from limb they would go home and curl up with the kids by the fire and watch them and sleep at the foot of their beds. They are huge dogs, I met one and his nose was in my ribs, but they don't eat much. They don't binge they just eat what they need and then go on with their day. They apparently don't need that much space to be happy.
Also I love horses. The light race horses are nice and all and I like going fast and racing the wind and that lovely feeling of flying, but nothing compares to a good heavy draft horse. My favorite breed are the Shier horses.
They're huge.
And beautiful.
And mine will be named after a Hobbit. Most likely Samwise Gamgee. I love Sam, he is my favorite Hobbit.
I would use mine to pull a cart around or plow, but also to ride. I will most likely do bare back, and if I can train him/her to be rode with out a bridle as well, and just go by the tug on the mane I would be so happy.
It dose not hurt a horse to have their mane tugged on, pulled on mercilessly probably, but tugged on no.
The last mostly outdoor/outdoor animal is a trained Barn Owl.
Have you ever petted a barn owl? It's like petting fluffy air. I've also always wanted my falconers license, but most of the falcons you don't keep, as part of a preservation for nature thing. At least that's how it works with, I believe, the red falcons. People care for them for the first year where they're most likely to die and then release them.
Nothing against that. I'd love to participate in that, but I'd like a bird of prey to stay with me and sit on my shoulder, and all that.
Who I shall Wed
At this point in my life I will mary Lee and Ali.
Mother would not approve. Dad probably wouldn't as well but not nearly as much as Mother dear's hell fire rage. You'd think I was sprinting to hell for an orgy or something.
Sometimes in Poly relationships theres a primary, meaning that for person A their person B comes before all others. I don't do this, Ali doesn't ether. Lee hasn't ever been in a poly relationship before, but I'm pretty sure I'm his primary. He's also not seeing anyone else so there's that too.
Still there are no two people that I would rather have in my life forever. And they seem to like me too so always a plus~!
Poor Ali thou, she's from a tiny family (2 kids with her dad, 3 with her mom). Lee has about 14 if I remember correctly and I have 10. Lee and mine's idea of a good size for a family, not to big not to small is 6. All the blood drains from Ali's face when we say this.
It's something that will be discussed further down the rode.
Job
Really I want my books that I write to take off enough that I don't have to do anything else. I'll have my etsy for some small bonuses, and I'd like to be a masusse/hot stone therapist as well.
There is a camp I want to open five years down the rode from now that's a post on it's own.
But as far as a career job job I'd like to do sport therapy with special needs kids.
It's something I knowtsied with myself that I focus best and am usawaly happiest outside doing someting. Soccer team might be hard to get enough to start with but things like ridding, Archery, things that can be done alone or in a group.
But I really want to be abul to do that for nearly free. A lot of times the families are already tied buy prescriptions and therapies. So I really really want my books to take off.
And then not have to have a career. That would be nice. Then everything I do will be because I want to do it not because I need money.
Religion and other tidbits
None of us are that chruchy. Mom has become super churchy, but I must say it doesn't transfer over. Christian yes. In the pew every Sunday...not so much.
Voting...I will vote for who I think is the most qualified and like this race it could end up being third party. Librarian, gun rights and gay rights!
That's about it.
My parents and I still love each other but oh my are there things I don't bother to tell them. The farm part is probably okay...the wed and job part...weeeellll. And we don't talk politics at all. It's just a bad idea.
Anyone else have a dream? Want a tinny house? Farm?
Mom and Dad's dream:
I'm in a nice house with lots and lots of little babies and a good husband and career. Lots of money and success. Possibly some presteege. Also the husband will be clean and Christian (But that's mostly mom). I will be close to them and all the other little ones. Oh and vote republican.
Mine:
Where I will Live
In (Preferably) a small cottage, on a small to medium farm somewhere that's not Texas, farming some vegetables and fruits and some trees or melons or vines would be nice too. Perhaps enough to make a profit in a farmers market but at least enough to even out the cost of maintaing it. I've always liked eating fresh fruits and veggies.
Also on this farm I'd like to have some chickens and bees for fresh eggs and honey.
Really I'd like to be as self sustaining as possible. Solar panels and all. I'd have a little pond for fish if it wasn't so much. I might eventually but in my plans for now, no fish pond.
Why?
Well besides being absolutely adorable, Wolfhounds are incredibly intelligent. You can train them with just your tone of voice, and they have a remarkable memory. Also they are incredibly loyal and good with kids.
They were used as dogs of war and after a long day of killing and tearing men apart limb from limb they would go home and curl up with the kids by the fire and watch them and sleep at the foot of their beds. They are huge dogs, I met one and his nose was in my ribs, but they don't eat much. They don't binge they just eat what they need and then go on with their day. They apparently don't need that much space to be happy.
They're huge.
And beautiful.
And mine will be named after a Hobbit. Most likely Samwise Gamgee. I love Sam, he is my favorite Hobbit.
I would use mine to pull a cart around or plow, but also to ride. I will most likely do bare back, and if I can train him/her to be rode with out a bridle as well, and just go by the tug on the mane I would be so happy.
It dose not hurt a horse to have their mane tugged on, pulled on mercilessly probably, but tugged on no.
Have you ever petted a barn owl? It's like petting fluffy air. I've also always wanted my falconers license, but most of the falcons you don't keep, as part of a preservation for nature thing. At least that's how it works with, I believe, the red falcons. People care for them for the first year where they're most likely to die and then release them.
Nothing against that. I'd love to participate in that, but I'd like a bird of prey to stay with me and sit on my shoulder, and all that.
Who I shall Wed
At this point in my life I will mary Lee and Ali.
Mother would not approve. Dad probably wouldn't as well but not nearly as much as Mother dear's hell fire rage. You'd think I was sprinting to hell for an orgy or something.
Sometimes in Poly relationships theres a primary, meaning that for person A their person B comes before all others. I don't do this, Ali doesn't ether. Lee hasn't ever been in a poly relationship before, but I'm pretty sure I'm his primary. He's also not seeing anyone else so there's that too.
Still there are no two people that I would rather have in my life forever. And they seem to like me too so always a plus~!
Poor Ali thou, she's from a tiny family (2 kids with her dad, 3 with her mom). Lee has about 14 if I remember correctly and I have 10. Lee and mine's idea of a good size for a family, not to big not to small is 6. All the blood drains from Ali's face when we say this.
It's something that will be discussed further down the rode.
Job
Really I want my books that I write to take off enough that I don't have to do anything else. I'll have my etsy for some small bonuses, and I'd like to be a masusse/hot stone therapist as well.
There is a camp I want to open five years down the rode from now that's a post on it's own.
But as far as a career job job I'd like to do sport therapy with special needs kids.
It's something I knowtsied with myself that I focus best and am usawaly happiest outside doing someting. Soccer team might be hard to get enough to start with but things like ridding, Archery, things that can be done alone or in a group.
But I really want to be abul to do that for nearly free. A lot of times the families are already tied buy prescriptions and therapies. So I really really want my books to take off.
And then not have to have a career. That would be nice. Then everything I do will be because I want to do it not because I need money.
Religion and other tidbits
None of us are that chruchy. Mom has become super churchy, but I must say it doesn't transfer over. Christian yes. In the pew every Sunday...not so much.
Voting...I will vote for who I think is the most qualified and like this race it could end up being third party. Librarian, gun rights and gay rights!
That's about it.
My parents and I still love each other but oh my are there things I don't bother to tell them. The farm part is probably okay...the wed and job part...weeeellll. And we don't talk politics at all. It's just a bad idea.
Anyone else have a dream? Want a tinny house? Farm?
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