Little Lost One

Mom just miscarried.

She was two months in and hadn't told anyone but Dad yet, and spent the night and most of today in the hospital. I just got the news.

They're not telling a lot of people because, well people like to make smart ass comments about the size of our family. No really, they see ten kids and the filter just seems to switch off. We've gotten cracks about everything from population growth and how dare you kill the environment, to 'Oh well maybe you could stay off welfare if you didn't have so many. We're not on welfare.

So I get the feeling that just the older kids and their close family knows. Most friends and relatives will proboblsy never know that this happened.

After Dad and I hung up the phone I just kinda sat there. She may drive me crazy but she's my Mom and I love her. I can't stop myself from wondering who we lost. Imagining all the different ways a little baby looks wrapped up in a blanket. Remembering how it feels to have one fall asleep when you hold them, or how they curl up to your chest in the shower, tucking their head under your chin.

I want to go home so I can take care of her. I'm the oldest girl, I should be there. I should be taking care of her, watching kids, cooking, cleaning, doing home repairs. Something.

I'm afraid that one day that will be me. That my PCOS has killed any chance that when Ali and I have/adopt kids that they will be my kids. That I'll be the one in the hospital room, when all Ali can do is hold my hand.

Ali came into the room only a few minuets later and she just held me as I burst into tears and sobbed.

And even now, I still can't stop wondering who we lost.

Mom and Dad

So my parents and I are on good tearms. We have been for a while but it just dawned on me yesterday. Mom and I are sending jokes through text back and forth. Dad's helping me with my taxes. None of us are mentioning anyhting like religion, tuition, or politics to each other but you know what, I'm okay with that.

It's taken a while but I think I'm okay with not being abul to talk to Mom or Dad about certin things. I had missed us just talking and jokeing about. Mom and I even went to a spa together when I was down on brake.

I think now it's not so much ignoring the tension and distance between us (Mom more than Dad), it's not bringing up anything that could push us further apart. I'm not saying I'm all peaches and giggles with them, but I'm contented. At least for now.

That's not to say I don't still get nervous about them or anything like that, but it is nice to just be a daughter sometimes.

My mother is not a momster

she only seems that way from time to time. Well a lot of the time but she's not a monster or even really a bitch or anything. She can sure act bitchy but she's not a bitch.

She dose not support gay rights. She tries very hard to get her children to be as full of faith as she is. She isn't good with words when put on the spot, which sucks because those moments are the ones that make the lasting impressions. She has a lot of flaws but as much as I talk about her negatively, she's not a bad person.

I do love my mom very much. She drives me bat shit insane, but I love her.

Resolution?

So Mom made a resolution to get to know her kids better. She feels like she spends far to much time raising them to actually make a life and create a bond with them.

Well...shit.

I meen that's grate and all but it makes me nervous as hell.

Because as close as she want's to get...there are somethings and people not ready to come out yet and I'm still working thought who I am and what my sexuality is and what I want to do and I'm afraid of her.

I know I'll have to face it sooner or later but I'm not ready and I can think of a few others who aren't ready yet as well.

One the other hand if this doesn't get met with rejection and underhanded ways to try and convince me I am not *fill in the blank* it would be nice to actually get to talk things out with a parent. I don't dare try Dad. I just can't right now.

So what am I supposed to do? half truths? lie? blurt it out and hope the bomb shelter holds up? I'm so confused.

Evil Plot

So Ali finally figured out what my mom's plot is.

You see I've expressed a fear at maybe not making the payment for spring and I get this "Oh what a shame"

Not even a ounce of sympathy in her voice.

She is cutting me off from family support, none of my siblings even know what's happening. So My brothers on either side of me don't get why I seem uncomfortable at home.

I know Mom doesn't get it at all. She's cornered Bean and demanded to know what I tell her and why do I not talk to her (mom) more. Because, well calling my love a rapist, sending my older brother to spy on me, almost pulling me out with out warning, and then suddenly cutting me off and acting like we've never had a single disagreement wouldn't throw a wrench in anything.  Nope not at all.

Well Ali has figured it out.

Mom is waiting for me to hit a wall. To relise that I can't make it on my own yet because the real world is scary and I need mommy and daddy there. She's waiting for me to run out of luck and for my job to not pay enough in time and then she expects that I will go back 'home' and back into the fold, never to leave the state of Texas again.

If she had her way I would go to a collage that is nice and religious and close by, like at most a day trip and that's pushing it. Or I'd just stay and be a stay at home daughter and watch all the kids again. Like I have for the other 20 odd years of my life.

Let me just say...fuck no. Fucking hell no.

I can be homeless and I will not move back in to that woman's house. I'm tiered of walking on eggs around her. I'm sick of hiding things so that mom doesn't suddenly pull my plane ticket and leave me trapped in that place.

I already have several people that I know I can turn to, if not to crash at their place, then to help me find a place. I am not going back. Ever.

The only resin I want to step foot in that house is because of the little ones. I want to be remembered and loved.

Also Mom didn't factor in how much I would just resent her. She seems to be betting on mending our broken relationship, if she even admits that it's broken, over time when I suppose I realize the error of my ways and that family should always be put above my own personal happiness. Or I realize the dangers of lesbian university and thank her for saving my wayward soul.

It's just sad how much I now have dug my feet in the ground and said no. I don't want to move back to Texas, I refuse to move back to Texas. Nonononono.

I was venting about mom to Juliette and she just looked at me and said "You mom is like a totalitarian dystopian government". It is true I've had Hunger Games dreams of her as President Snow. It was kinda creepy.

But If I do hit this wall...well I'm not leaving Roanoke, other than to go to Washington and live with Ali's grandparents and work there for a semester, or to live with my friend in her apartment in Texas if I have to go back.

Not that house.

Dreams

I keep having dreams of my mom confronting me. About Hollins. About Feminism. About my identity. About having both Lee and Ali. About Ali.

I always react differently.

 One I just sat there and cried and then she walked away after banning me from all future familyness. I started looking for Ali but I couldn't find her anywhere and all I could hear was her crying. I couldn't ever get to her in time before it stoped. And it stopped too suddenly.
I couldn't ever save her.

Other times I'm pleading. Begging for even a little tuition aid. Begging to still be loved. Begging to be welcome in the house. Begging to not be erased from the memory of my siblings. Begging for her to attend my graduation, my wedding.

Most of the time I react with rage. Its the only time I remember the words. "I found people who love me for me! I pay for my own fucking school because you fucking cut me off. I will live with who ever the hell I want!"
"Try not to fuck up the others like you did me, bitch"
"Get the fuck out of my apparently damned life"
"You will never see me again."

The last one I was just tiered.
"No. I'm not coming back. Sorry but I'm not. I'll be by after graduation to collect my things and then I'll be gone."

I really hope this isn't foreshadowing.

Why Legos? Why?!

Toys frustrate me as much as I love them. And I do. I love playing with toys for all ages and such but I hate walking through the toy part of Walmart and Target or a toy store. Because all the girl stuff just has to be pink. Really. I don't get it.

I'll look at puzzles and then, oh here's the boy toys all made for adventuring and durable and BLUE, and then before I even step into the girl aisle I'm blinded by sheer and utter pinkness.

Oh this drives me crazy, but what really hit me over the edge is when Legos did it to. Yes I'm speaking of Lego Friends.

Just why? Why is suddenly everything pastel? She doesn't even look like a lego person. She doesn't even go here! And the sets, I glanced at them in the store, are all about sleepovers and cafes and fluff. 

But the regular legos had cafes and restrants and hospitals and houses. I don't understand. Why did they need to make it pink? Or makeup-y? Or prissy?

I tried to explaine to my Mom why I was so frustrated and it went about like this.

"But why do they have to make legos for girls? Why couldn't lego have just stayed gender neutral?"

Mom: "Girls just like pink. It's just been found that girls naturally like pink."

Me: "Pink used to be a boy color and girls are conditioned to like pink, we're surrounded from it since birth." We are, as soon as your clean it's like PINK! Pink everything. 

Mom: "Well this is just the way it is and it's not a big deal. People are happyer this way. You never wanted any of the boy toys."

Me: "Yes I did! You just would never buy me the comics or legos or bug catching kits!" I did ask for them. Every Christmas, birthday and Easter and everything in between. I ended up just stealing my brothers and turning all my barbies into ninja spies who ruled the world with their army of beanie babies. 

Mom: "It's just not a big deal, JR."

But it is. She had told me that I couldn't have them because they weren't what little girls played with. It wasn't till Grammy snuck me a set of a WWI plane with a aviator man to fly it that I got my own set. 

And I don't understand. like tell me the gender of who made these:

Can you tell? 

No. 

I build things like that when I can and I know guys who do too. I don't understand how the little blocks have a gender. Why do we have to force a gender on everything? 

It drives me crazy. 

When I grow up and become a mom I shall have expressive unjudged kids. There will be princess dresses and prince suits and lab coats and sparkly shoes and boots. My kids will get to have skirts and pants. If I get a girl that dose all the 'boy' things cool. If I have a boy that likes to wear skirts and do 'gril things cool. If i get a really girly girl or a really boyish boy then cool too. Hell If I get on e like me that dances about the middle that's cool.

I suppose I'm just frustrated at the gender segregation. But really legos? Why Legos, why?

Dreams and Hopes

So we have come to the point of the night where I must confess that my parents goals for me and my goals don't match up.

Mom and Dad's dream:

 I'm in a nice house with lots and lots of little babies and a good husband and career. Lots of money and success. Possibly some presteege. Also the husband will be clean and Christian (But that's mostly mom). I will be close to them and all the other little ones. Oh and vote republican.

Mine:

Where I will Live

In (Preferably) a small cottage, on a small to medium farm somewhere that's not Texas, farming some vegetables and fruits and some trees or melons or vines would be nice too. Perhaps enough to make a profit in a farmers market but at least enough to even out the cost of maintaing it. I've always liked eating fresh fruits and veggies.

Also on this farm I'd like to have some chickens and bees for fresh eggs and honey.

Really I'd like to be as self sustaining as possible. Solar panels and all. I'd have a little pond for fish if it wasn't so much. I might eventually but in my plans for now, no fish pond.

Also on this farm I will have an Irish Wolfhound named Pillage. If I get a second one I'll name them Plunder

Why?

Well besides being absolutely adorable, Wolfhounds are incredibly intelligent. You can train them with just your tone of voice, and they have a remarkable memory. Also they are incredibly loyal and good with kids.

They were used as dogs of war and after a long day of killing and tearing men apart limb from limb they would go home and curl up with the kids by the fire and watch them and sleep at the foot of their beds. They are huge dogs, I met one and his nose was in my ribs, but they don't eat much. They don't binge they just eat what they need and then go on with their day. They apparently don't need that much space to be happy.

Also I love horses. The light race horses are nice and all and I like going fast and racing the wind and that lovely feeling of flying, but nothing compares to a good heavy draft horse. My favorite breed are the Shier horses.

They're huge.

And beautiful.

And mine will be named after a Hobbit. Most likely Samwise Gamgee. I love Sam, he is my favorite Hobbit.

I would use mine to pull a cart around or plow, but also to ride. I will most likely do bare back, and if I can train him/her to be rode with out a bridle as well, and just go by the tug on the mane I would be so happy.

It dose not hurt a horse to have their mane tugged on, pulled on mercilessly probably, but tugged on no.

The last mostly outdoor/outdoor animal is a trained Barn Owl.

Have you ever petted a barn owl? It's like petting fluffy air. I've also always wanted my falconers license, but most of the falcons you don't keep, as part of a preservation for nature thing. At least that's how it works with, I believe, the red falcons. People care for them for the first year where they're most likely to die and then release them.

Nothing against that. I'd love to participate in that, but I'd like a bird of prey to stay with me and sit on my shoulder, and all that.

Who I shall Wed

At this point in my life I will mary Lee and Ali.

Mother would not approve. Dad probably wouldn't as well but not nearly as much as Mother dear's hell fire rage. You'd think I was sprinting to hell for an orgy or something.

Sometimes in Poly relationships theres a primary, meaning that for person A their person B comes before all others. I don't do this, Ali doesn't ether. Lee hasn't ever been in a poly relationship before, but I'm pretty sure I'm his primary. He's also not seeing anyone else so there's that too.

Still there are no two people that I would rather have in my life forever. And they seem to like me too so always a plus~!

Poor Ali thou, she's from a tiny family (2 kids with her dad, 3 with her mom). Lee has about 14 if I remember correctly and I have 10. Lee and mine's idea of a good size for a family, not to big not to small is 6. All the blood drains from Ali's face when we say this.

It's something that will be discussed further down the rode.


Job

Really I want my books that I write to take off enough that I don't have to do anything else. I'll have my etsy for some small bonuses, and I'd like to be a masusse/hot stone therapist as well.

There is a camp I want to open five years down the rode from now that's a post on it's own.

But as far as a career job job I'd like to do sport therapy with special needs kids.

It's something I knowtsied with myself that I focus best and am usawaly happiest outside doing someting. Soccer team might be hard to get enough to start with but things like ridding, Archery, things that can be done alone or in a group.

But I really want to be abul to do that for nearly free. A lot of times the families are already tied buy prescriptions and therapies. So I really really want my books to take off.

And then not have to have a career. That would be nice. Then everything I do will be because I want to do it not because I need money.

Religion and other tidbits

None of us are that chruchy. Mom has become super churchy, but I must say it doesn't transfer over. Christian yes. In the pew every Sunday...not so much.

Voting...I will vote for who I think is the most qualified and like this race it could end up being third party. Librarian, gun rights and gay rights!


That's about it.

My parents and I still love each other but oh my are there things I don't bother to tell them. The farm part is probably okay...the wed and job part...weeeellll. And we don't talk politics at all. It's just a bad idea.

Anyone else have a dream? Want a tinny house? Farm?

Mother Dear, and little pollywog me

Something I have noticed is that the stress in my life doesn't come from where most people would expect. Or rather where my mother and her churchy friends would expect. 

It's not because I'm Pansexual. 

It's not because I'm Poly and currently dating two people.

It's not because I'm oh so far away from home.

It's not because I've lost my faith.

It's not because of a lot of things.

I'm very sure of my sexuality. I am in the very least Pan, possibly leading towards Demi. I'll let you know after I do more research. But this doesn't stress me out at all. I'm very happy with my sexuality. It's not stressing me out or anything. The way I see it, I have more chances to find the ones I love and I just couldn't be happier with who I have found. 

Which brings us to point two. Surprise surprise, dating two people is not stressful. That is not to say it doesn't have it's stress, every relationship dose. But there's no real drama in my life from them. I am currently dating an absolutely wonderful man, A king among men I would say, Lee, and Ali, an amazing woman who is an angel. Both of them are fully aware of each other and have seen each other over skype and it's all good. It's not stressful because there is a pletharla of communication. Amazingly when everyone is honest and checks in frequently there is a dearth of drama.

Now point three. I don't get homesick. I felt really bad about it freshman year but I don't. I've only gotten homesick and that was over the summer wanting to go back to Hollins. You see Hollins is more than a school it's a home. Your friends become family and it's amazing. I do miss my family that I have blood ties to, really I do, but I don't miss living with them. I miss seeing the little ones grow up and being there for them and all that but I don't miss being used as free baby-sitting at the drop of a hat. I don't miss having them still try and control my bed time and my life when I go home for school holidays. I miss them. I just don't ever want to live with them for years and years or even months at a time again. 

I have not lost my faith. God is a really nice guy and Jesus is cool and I'm actually doing more in depth research about the Bible and more firm in my belief now that I have lost my love for religion. It's put rather nicely here. See I would go to church and slowly begin to realize...I'm not getting anything out of it. I feel more in touch with the holy three when I'm just wandering about have causal conversations with them in my head. I saw the most preachy 'divout' people act hypocritically and very rarely practice what they preach. So rather than fallow them I just metaphorically stood up and walked out. 

What's stressful is that my Mom doesn't know any of this. 

Mom and I used to be incredibly close. We would share secrets and laugh and be completely open with each other. That changed when I went away for my first year. I didn't realize it at first. I thought we were still very tight and snuggly. I would reassure Ali that should the shit just hit to many fans with her family we could run away to mine. 

Because my Mom was going to accept us when we came out. 

I didn' realize it till after my brother came out to her as gay that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to speak up and snuggle close. He's still around and loved in the house but there is this sadness Mom gets for him. This absolute sorrow that he will go to hell should he ever act on that feeling of love he might develop. She made it clear that he was not to tell anyone else in our family and that he was not welcome to bring friends over unless they were women. 

I was at this time slowly poking around and contemplating that I may not be straight. I had always known I could be attracted to guys and that was what seemed to be approved so I had stopped there in high school and not gone...soul searching? But Mom's very clear brimstone view stopped my plans to talk with her and get another look at it. 

So I backed away a step or two there. 

Now the next year she came to family weekend. Met Ali. Spent maybe at most 4 hours with her around, and that's being generous. She then came to me months later and confessed that she vary nearly packed my bags and brought me back home, because Ali was obviously "grooming" me to be her love interest and was going to molest and rape me.

Uhm. No. 

She didn't even know we were/are dating. Ali never takes advantage of me, and should I ever be even the slightest bit uncomfortable, she stops. Just stops and we talk and then maybe try again if I feel better or we do something else. And not a "Come on just relax and go with it" but a "What is wrong? It's okay you're safe. Why did you feel that way? What do you feel okay doing now?" kinda talk. And I do the same for her. 

Not a rapist. 

At this time Ali and I decide that being poly is something that makes sense to us. The idea that love is not a limited amount and by loving two people, one dose not love ether any more or any less. We gave it a try with a friend. It didn't work out for various reasons. This was the friends first time in a relationship so it was hard for her to give us any clear "This is what I want and where I want to go and how fast/slow" as well as other things. So it didn't work out but she is still one of my closest friends Ali and I have. 

This year I, along with my friend Juliette make the realization that as much as we love the Church...we don't quite fit anymore. Mom also starts getting more churchy back home. 

This past summer was very tense at the house. I was trying my plan of "Convince my mom that my school is not liberal heathen brainwashing" so I had to stay quite about my self and tried to put on the conservative, husband-seeking, church loving face she wanted. 

I actively lied to my mom. Actively. To her face. 

This was something that I would have never dreamed of doing before, but if she knew dear Lord...I would be shipped off to a cloistered nunnery. Or if I was allowed to go anywhere for school again it would have to be a coed campus, close to home, and not ever two inches outside of the state. 

I lucked out and got a job working a BSA camp as a Range Master. 

Exit me from house for two solid months. 

Enter Lee. 

The story of Lee, Ali, and Me is a post in it's self, but in short hand, I fell fast and hard. Checked with Ali about every night when I called her to see how she was and she was okay with it ("Go kiss him already!") And by the end of it we were dating. (this really is a post on it's own)

Mom simultaneously aproves and disapproves when I come back and she meets him, and we go out for the last month I'm in the state. 

Positives

• He has man parts=daughter not a dyke!
• makes daughter happy
• brought cookies
• is very much the gentle man

Negatives

• Has ear piercing
• is not in collage
• hair is dyed

It's like Mom watched to much Disney and expects that to be exactly what I walk through the door with, fluffy animals and songs included. Well Lee is better than Disney, so there. 

She is aware I'm in love with and dating Lee, but not Ali.

And it's not even so much her disapproval that stresses me out but how she will act on it. Pull me out of school, never let me leave the house, never let me leave the state. I am very much protected by those that love me and by the fact that I am across the country at school but I am also very, very venerable to anything that happens back home.

It's just scary sometimes that the one you used to trust most is the one you're most afraid to turn to.