Talks

So who do you talk to when you question your sexuality. Well it all depends on you, really. Some people are really good with just the internet, some that friend you see every day and some people even talk to the clergy.

Well this is who I talked to.

Not Lee.

Not even Ali.

Friends that I hadn't see face to face in about three years. Over Skype. It is very handy to have friends that you don't talk to for years and they you just pick up like it was yesterday when you talk again. So we talked about what they were doing and talked about life and I think with one I debated witch legendary pokemon would make the best world travailing compainion. I choose Ente (If that's how you spell it). No legendary I want a herd of Evee's, evolved and non.

And then I told them. "So....I think I'm a lesbian..."

And we worked through that. I got a lot of "Well...I can't say I'm surprised." Or "That makes since."

Only when I was 99.9999999% sure I was gay did I talk to closer friends like Juliet. That just confirmed what I was already thinking. Then I told Ali.

The thing about coming out is, no matter who what or where I still get nervous. Ali is my girl friend and I still had that 'ohshitohshitohshit' feeling.

From there you can all guess, I told Lee and we ended.

As for why I didn't talk to Ali or Lee about this I have pretty good resins. In the very least they are good to me.

For starters, the feelings weren't anything new. It's something I've been dealing with since I realized people don't have cooties. It wasn't a big news flash to me that said feelings were creeping up again and so I didn't news flash it. Secondly, they were both dating me at the time. Not exactly unbiased. Even Ali, who had no risk of my sexuality causing things to end.

Also I've been talked out of being gay before and convinced I wasn't. Yes it was along time ago but I didn't want to risk it, and to be honest I was afraid of something like that happening with Lee. As sweet as he is there is still the:
"So, boyfriend....male...guy...I think I might be a lesbian. Have you any thoughts?"

I just couldn't do it.

So I didn't tell him till a few days after I was absolutely sure, and well here we are now.

Let's try this again,

So here is the updated of who I am/identify as, and the such... using otters. I do love otters.

Now here's me. I write novels and short stories and I'm working on a web comic. I enjoy snuggles, movies, riddles and adventures. I'm a gamer and and I like curling up with a good book. I work with a five year old autistic child in play therapy for a job. And by the way I'm about as straight as a fruit loop.

So let's hop on that loop and work things out now shall we?

So for starters I'm a Lesbian as you probably know by know. I'm poly, but I'm starting to think not in the same way I was before. Oh yeah, and bi romantic. Ta-Da!

Lesbian:

It's pretty straight forward. I like women. I'm gay. I can't really comprehend a long term, living together, romantic, physical relationship with a man. I kiss girls and I like it. I am currently with a woman as you are also well aware. Ali is truly and angel and a remarkable woman. There are days I look at her and wonder how I could ever be so lucky. We fit together like puzzle pieces when we snuggle. She just feels so right in my arms or when I kiss her. One might call her my significant otter.

I do day dream of that wedding kiss and plan it out and giggel. I do brows rings that I can't yet aford. I am most incredibly in love with a girl.

Swinger:

I still am Poly. Juuust after much deep thought, I realized I'm not the same level of poly as my Angel Love. The best word I can give you is swinger. I have my one person, Ali, and no matter who else comes in and out Ali will always be my priority. I am okay with having...flings I guess you could call them. Things that I and other persons do in full knowledge that it's not long tearm. This may or may not be sex. Not sure yet. These could last just one night or a few months. Dates, snuggles, talks. All the fun stuff. Just understood that it's not leading to anything remotely like a wedding bell.

As for Ali we sat and had a good talk and it is cleared up that I am okay with her still going out and finding as many loves as she wants, and that she can do what she wants with them. I know that I have a special spot in her heart and no one else can take my spot because no one else is shaped like me to fit my spot. I am just to be kept in the loop and lines of communication are to be open. Should I ever feel jealous or mer I am to go talk to her about it. Should she ever feel jealous or mer of what I do she is to come talk to me about it. If for what ever resin we don't like the other person we are to talk about it. Other person is to know of us before they agree to any commitment.

Talks can be had during snuggles.

There is just really a lot of talking.

(This blog post was brought to you by communication. Try it today!)

Bi Romantic:

I am a lesbian. Yes. Hold on to that. Gay. Got it? Good. Okay so I think I might be bi romantic.

Again this is very much like the swinger part because these won't go any where, especially with guys...buuut dates are fun. They make people feel good and warm and fuzzy. As long as Ali says she's okay with person B and person B's significant otter or lack of one is okay with it, B and I can go have a grand old time. There will probably be a check in with B's person to make sure I'm not just being used to cheat. Poly is cool, cheating is not.

The Bi Romantic part and the Swinger part of me are very close together, but you know what, talked with Ali, and should I date a guy again for x resin she is okay with it. I just need to stay safe and keep her in the loop. Again Ali knows that she can not be replaced, just as I know I can not.

Sooo Stuff:

The wonderful thing about this all is, I might have to do another one of these. Identities can change. I am a lesbian. I know that. I really don't see that ever changing but I might find out later that you know what I'm not Polly. I might find out I'm not bi romantic. I might find out that I like brussle sprouts again and think they're yummy. It's really that much not a big deal. Sometimes it feels like we're all rushed to label ourselves and I admit the labels make things easier to talk about, and think about when you are a confused little teenager, but those labels don't have to be permanit.

Life threw me this red cup that is 'hay you might like guys' I tried it out, tried to make it work, and nope. So I stopped saying I was pan. Ta-Da. The world didn't end. Next please.

It's really okay to change your mind, change your identity, because in all actuality it doesn't really change who you are. I am still me, and you will still be you.

Bring out the Sonic Rainbooms!

Well let's get started on the hows and the whys shall we. And for all of you who get the tittle reference well you're 20% cooler now. 

So I'm gay. After all the years of denying it to myself and to others, I admit it. I am a Lesbian. Right now it still kinda sucks because I just ended it with the most amazing man in the world, so as comfortable as I am with myself, and as much as I know it was best, I can't say I'm to happy with my self just yet. I know I will be eventually but right now it's still raw on my end and I can only imagine what it must be like for Lee. 

So lets get started in high school, that's about when the *oh look at all the other attractive people* started. I as said before crushed on Femmy. She was smart, pretty, and was a very good author. Mom said no I wasn't and I shut up about it and somehow managed to ignore the part of my brain that said "look at all the pretty girls, don't they look lovely?"  I ignored, somehow, how much I wanted to do the sorta things seen in movies between guys and girls with another girl.

I had one official boy friend. I met him freshman year by being set up on a blind date to cotillion with him and then later I asked him out to the homecoming dance our junior year. He was actually a lot like Lee. Very sweet. Very old fashion. Very much wanted to spend time with me, he even joined the guard to do so. Very good with written words. 

We dated for about a year and a half. In that time we had brief fleeting kisses and never really moved past that. It took about a year for me to come to terms that the mystical majical 'spark' that supposedly drive a new relationship wasn't there. That the feelings my friends described having for their boyfriends I just didn't have. When I admitted that Nathaniel and I just hadn't made out and had been dating for at that time over a year she stared at me open mouthed, "What have you been doing all this time!?" To witch I responded "Uh, taking it slow I suppose."I broke it off with him two thirds of the way through our senior year. Not ready to admit who I wanted but unable to deny that it wasn't working. 

And then ignored how much I wanted to start something up with one of my closest friends. She is still one of my closest friends, and has a wonderful boy friend that she loves and is very happy with him. I ignored how much all through high school I just wasn't into guys. I told my self that it was just because high school boys were all idiots and when I dated Nathaniel I had snagged the one good one. When I broke it off with him it wasn't that I didn't care about him. I did still love him. But I knew that it wasn't the love that everyone talked, and wrote, and made movies over. It was like the love between Mary and Pippin. Or Frodo and Sam. Brotherly, close friendship love. You'd go everywhere from Gondor to Mount Doom for them but your not looking to steal kisses and snuggles when the Fellowship isn't looking. 

Because I couldn't like girls. Mom had said so. And people didn't just like girls. To be honest for a while I considered just being a spinster. Just not deal with it. 

My fondness for the female body had nothing to do with me picking Hollins as a school but not a day has gone by that I haven't been thankful for the sisterhood I found here and that I haven't fallen even more in love with the Green and Gold. The most relevant parts about Hollins for this post are was how far away it was from parental influence, and how supportive it was. Here for the first time I had the space to think for my self. Truly for my self with my own devices. I have yet to find a more loving community than that of the Hollins women. One of us could stand up in Moody and yell to the heavens our sexuality and/or gender identity and the rest of Moody if they reacted at all it would be in apualse or hugs or some people yelling "Me too!"

So as stated before, freshman year I fell for Ang, one of my friends. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and well single. I wanted her. Not possessively or anything, but I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to kissed her nose in such a way that she would giggle and blush and call me silly. I wanted to hold her as I feel asleep with her all ready snoozing in my arms. I wanted to kiss her. 

I felt away that I could never describe feeling for a guy. Not by any stretch. 

I didn't prasue her because I thought that she was too old fashion and wouldn't return my feelings. I valued our friendship so much that I was content to just day dream of snuggles and be there for her how she wanted me. Turned out that she wasn't a natural shade of pink that I always saw her in and wanted me too but didn't say anything because she thought I was too Catholic and all that. As said before she now has a wonderful loving feance and I am very happy for them.  I crushed on sevral women.

Then Ali. Beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented as a goddess, snuggly as a stuffed animal, loving Ali. This parts runs a lot like when I found out I was pan, or at least I thought I was pan. Baby steps. Baby steps. 

For awhile I was just straight with the exception of my Angel Ali. With Ali I had that drive. I actively tried to get closer physicly. With Ali I finally got what everyone was talking about. I understood the need to be close to someone. The need to keep them safe. The need to let them explore. The need for aspirin because it can all be so confusing and overwhelming. The need to just be there for them how ever they let you be there. With Ali we snuck kisses when the Fellowship wasn't looking. With Ali everything was better even when we had fights. It's this indescribable feeling, that is still strong for me. Very strong. Despite the fact that now we don't sneak around for kisses, being out on campus, and the pressure from my Mom to not become the faithless dyke she thinks I will be. 

I'm not a dyke, and I'm not a fem. I don't really fit any stereotype that I can really think of as far a personality goes. I'll dress up every now and then to see the look on Ali's face or just to be cute. I go roll in the mud, and do hard labor and actually enjoy it. I play with legos, I played with barbies. I see your box and I burn it to the ground. 

Back on topic. 

You all know of Lee. When I started things with him I identified as Pan. I thought I was. I was still working through the emotions and desires I had. I loved him, and I still do care for him as a person but on the same level that I care for a close friend. I enjoyed his company and I liked the time spent together but it felt very much like Nathaniel. It just didn't have a drive on my end, and to keep it going would have been cheating both of us. 

Maybe later I'll have more on that. Not right now. 

But I'm gay. I'm a Lesbian. I am a member of the rainbow flagged nation if you want to be real dramatic. Looking back now I can see me identifying as Pan and Demi was a way for me to rationalize that I could still like guys even when I didn't feel strong pulls towards any of them. I mean Demi to my understanding is not feeling a sexual disaier/attraction till a firm emotional bond is already there. But I do get that turned on, for lack of a better phrase, by girls I don't even know when I see them sometimes. I can apreacat how men are attractive but I'm not attracted to them. I want to be in a life long romantic/physical/lovy relationship with Ali, a woman. I just can't see myself doing it with a guy. Even if he is the best man on the planet, he is just isn't the guy for me. There is no guy for me because well, I'm Gay (and of Eropaen decent if that counts for anything).

I am a Lesbian. And you know what, I'm okay with that now. 

So I'm not Pan....well shit

Hi, My name's JR and I'm a Lesbian. 

Yes I know I said I was Pan. I know, I know...but I'm not. I don't like the male sex. As people they're grate. I have many guy friends and I think they're all real cool. I know I'm dating Lee who is very much a man. I know. 

It was really because I was dating Lee that it started making me realize it. He is the ideal man for many many people let me tell you. He was for me before I worked my feelings out that I just can't get into guys. He is the most intelligent, funniest person I ever have knows, and is so, so very sweet and noble. He did everything right and I didn't feel any internal push to get closer. Didn't feel a drive to be physically closer. Didn't feel a drive for anything past the fun cliché dates that we were doing. 

It's not like I never kiss him. I do. But I don't make out with him, and to be frank the idea of making out with a guy, any guy, and anything past that makes me uncomfortable. Lee hasn't pushed for it or asked for it but the idea of it....no...I just can't. I really just can't. 

This post is more my coming out than my explanation on, that will come shortly after I tell Lee, which will be shortly after I post this. Better he hears it from me than reads it from me. That could just be a disaster. 

Well wish me luck, I need it.