Little Lost One

Mom just miscarried.

She was two months in and hadn't told anyone but Dad yet, and spent the night and most of today in the hospital. I just got the news.

They're not telling a lot of people because, well people like to make smart ass comments about the size of our family. No really, they see ten kids and the filter just seems to switch off. We've gotten cracks about everything from population growth and how dare you kill the environment, to 'Oh well maybe you could stay off welfare if you didn't have so many. We're not on welfare.

So I get the feeling that just the older kids and their close family knows. Most friends and relatives will proboblsy never know that this happened.

After Dad and I hung up the phone I just kinda sat there. She may drive me crazy but she's my Mom and I love her. I can't stop myself from wondering who we lost. Imagining all the different ways a little baby looks wrapped up in a blanket. Remembering how it feels to have one fall asleep when you hold them, or how they curl up to your chest in the shower, tucking their head under your chin.

I want to go home so I can take care of her. I'm the oldest girl, I should be there. I should be taking care of her, watching kids, cooking, cleaning, doing home repairs. Something.

I'm afraid that one day that will be me. That my PCOS has killed any chance that when Ali and I have/adopt kids that they will be my kids. That I'll be the one in the hospital room, when all Ali can do is hold my hand.

Ali came into the room only a few minuets later and she just held me as I burst into tears and sobbed.

And even now, I still can't stop wondering who we lost.

Animal Kingdom

So Mom and Dad told me that we were driving to Missouri to see the rest of our family on Christmas Day. That morning we unwrapped a box and well, now we're al in disney World one two day car trip later. I spent most of that driving or napping, so really not much to say on that. Odd as it is the only really memorable things are my dreams of Ali but those as overly sweet and snuggly. And now I'm back in the time zone I'm used to, so yay.

This was day one and we spent it in Animal Kingdom after a bunch with cariturs. It was about a two thirds day. Not a half day but not a full day ether.

After Brunch we went in and tried to stay as a group, so first two things were together. The Rapid ride and I had Lu kid number 9 next to me. She was a fun one. There is nothing like a 4 year old laughing and shrieking with glee as she gets splashed. We then ran off to it's tough being a bug, a 4D show. Lu said she wasn't scared of the spooky parts but truth be told she spent most of it in my jacket, staring at the fine print of my shirt. After that we split. Older kids braved the 75 minuet wait for Expedition Everest. The inside jokes and  cracks at new ones made it feel a lot faster.

If you enjoy costers go ride that one. I have never been so joyfully terrifyed in my life. flying backwards and forwards in dark tunnels being haunted by a yeti.

Dinner was the Ohana experience, we got to watch a fire dancer.

I'm sorry for the short and not that informative post, but it's 12:10 I'm in a room full of kids and bone tiered from watching them for most of the day.

A more detailed post will come up probably at the end of the week.

Gobble?

I love my family I really do, but I wanted to be home just about as much as that turkey did.

It's been a combination of a lot of things, but the end result is the same. I loved the food for it was delicious. I enjoyed watching the family game of Risk. I enjoyed talking with family.

But I couldn't help but feel like an out sider. A guest or an observer. I didn't feel like family. And then there's this knowledge that if I come out, I just may not be welcome back.

But you know, I go back home to Hollins on Sunday and I'll get to see my Hollins Family and I've missed my Sisters and my wonderful Angel Love, Ali. So not all bad?

Wednesday with Bean

Bean is my little sister. My first little sister after a long line of brothers. We take a lot of walks together and talk about everything. It's nice to have someone who doesn't judge and listens to you. Mom tried to stalk us or get out of Bean what we talk about but we honor the sister code.

We don't rat each other out or brake the sister vow of silence.

So Bean knows what's going on with me better than anyone else and I with her. These walks take hours or so. It's really quite nice