Shooting for the stars.

So I haven't had much time to blog, I've been so caught up in life. But my tuition is all paid, I'm still healthy, my parents and I are on really, freakishly good terms, and I just might get the sports therapy place I want sooner than I thought I would.

Like before I graduate...maybe.

See I work with the one little boy remember, and one of his other therapist works with llamas and is looking to expand. My co-worker and I are both looking to go work with her. It'd be more floor time and play therapy. Well the little quirk of the play that I want to get into and have been tossing the idea around is sport therapy/athletic play.

I'd be the person that we just run around, climb the tree, play tag that sort thing.

Most of all, I'd be an Archery instructor again.

It would help their hand eye coordination, their confidence, and despite archery not being a team sport, the interactions with the me in order to learn will also improve their social skills. As well as a host of other things, most of witch I probably won't think of till I see them happen.

It wouldn't be the first time I've taught a special needs kids how to shoot. This summer I worked at a BSA camp I was the archery instroctor there as well and every week about 2-4ish of my bunch would have autism, asburgers, OCD, general things, and lord knows what else. They all did just as well as the other kids and always seemed the happiest to be out on the range.

Really the looks of horror I get when I say I've given autistic kids a bow and quiver are over reacting. I'm getting trained in Floor Time some time soonish so I can work in the clinic and I can't wait.

Other than that I'm making the clinic a new google and Facebook page, and might have just become the IT support and possibly I might just become the person that wanders through, picks up and takes messages as well.

Never would have thought that my career would have taken off so soon, but I am not complaining.

Two Dates in Two Days

So Ali and I don't always get a chance to go out and just go on a date. It's a nice sometimes kinda occasion. Well this past weekend I got to go on two dates with my lovly Angel.

The first one was something called First Friday, where on the first friday of everymonth the art studios open up and Frogert offers a deal for Hollins girls. Ali and I spent two hours walking all over downtown Roanoke looking in studios, from the personal 'we live in the back behind the welder' ones to the fancy ones that if we weren't wearing out nice jackets might have thought we were hooligans. We talked with a lot of the artists. Everyone seems to know everyone else, it was really nice.

The second was a free movie called 'Hysteria'.

It's about the invention of the vibrator.

You should go see it.

That's all I will say.

Little Lost One

Mom just miscarried.

She was two months in and hadn't told anyone but Dad yet, and spent the night and most of today in the hospital. I just got the news.

They're not telling a lot of people because, well people like to make smart ass comments about the size of our family. No really, they see ten kids and the filter just seems to switch off. We've gotten cracks about everything from population growth and how dare you kill the environment, to 'Oh well maybe you could stay off welfare if you didn't have so many. We're not on welfare.

So I get the feeling that just the older kids and their close family knows. Most friends and relatives will proboblsy never know that this happened.

After Dad and I hung up the phone I just kinda sat there. She may drive me crazy but she's my Mom and I love her. I can't stop myself from wondering who we lost. Imagining all the different ways a little baby looks wrapped up in a blanket. Remembering how it feels to have one fall asleep when you hold them, or how they curl up to your chest in the shower, tucking their head under your chin.

I want to go home so I can take care of her. I'm the oldest girl, I should be there. I should be taking care of her, watching kids, cooking, cleaning, doing home repairs. Something.

I'm afraid that one day that will be me. That my PCOS has killed any chance that when Ali and I have/adopt kids that they will be my kids. That I'll be the one in the hospital room, when all Ali can do is hold my hand.

Ali came into the room only a few minuets later and she just held me as I burst into tears and sobbed.

And even now, I still can't stop wondering who we lost.

3 day long Valentines day

Yesterday was a very good day. And well it started at 12:10 promptly with a gift/card exchange. Hollins has an Otaku Hall and one of their biggest fundraisers is selling these little plushies called mu. They're really cute and soft and make good tinny pillows or cuddle buddies. I got Ali one of those and I drew out her card. It had a chibi Shang from Mulan under a cherry blossom tree with "You...you fight good." in calligraphy.

Mulan is her favorit disney movie, she loves my calligraphy, and cherry blossoms are her favorite flower.

Ali had been driving me up the wall showing everyone else what she had been making me and I kept hearing how good it was. The wait and hype was worth it. She burned into a wood plaque, in chancery script, It's That Simple.

The saying comes from when we first started dating in secret. We were on my bed kissing and Ali looked at me and sounded so scared "What if we don't make it? What if it doesn't work out?"And I looked at her and smiled and told her it would, but she shook her head, "How do you know it will?"

"I love you," I told her and kissed her. To this day I can still rembure the feel of that kiss, so soft and tender. when it was done I smiled at her and said "It's that Simple."

We spent a while dancing across the floor of the room and being cute before we both realized we should go to bed because of morning classes.

The next day was like a pretty normal day for the most part. We got up, ate breakfast went to classes. At lunch she pulled out a small box of chocolets. It's really sweet, you see Ali hates chocolates to the point I think she has an allergy to them, but every valentines day she goes to Chocolate Paper and gets me a small box of some hand picked ones.

We were a bit more lovey on each other for the day but I had work so we didn't go out to eat, yet. That is going to happen tomorrow after I get back from caving and we go to the art museum.

That night thou I gave her the first part of her real present. A pedicure. The full thing includes hot stones, a full body massage and she can pick a style like swedish or dumi if she wants, a manicure and a pedicure. The pedicure part takes a few times, because Ali gets really thick rough calluses on her heal and big toes. So I got a few new tools and set to scrubbing and massaging her feet and rubed a good lotion in and put on her new shea socks I got her. We checked on them to today and they already feel so smooth. I'm a bit smug over it. Tonight I'm going to have a fallow up with her feet and tomarrow she gets the rest of it.

I must say I'm pretty happy with life right now.

I did it!

I really did it! My paycheck just came in, and I have the money to pay for tuition, and a little extra! I made enough money to stay and I have more than enough to save up for senior year. If i stock pile my funds now I won't be in such and panic when the next bill comes. Now I just need to find a new large, but shortish term gole, so I don't constantly feel like I'm forgetting something.

Love bug jitters

Valentines Day is coming and well I want it to be extra special. Ali already get her hold-abul present because it came out just perfect and I couldn't wait to give it to her.

You see Ali's favorite disney princess is Mulan, and mine is now Merida, so a friend of ours made these for me in secret. Mulan and Merida off on an adventure together. It's fun to pretend it's us too as Ali is half asian and is skilled with knives and has some practice swords. I'm an archer and have very curly hair, brown thou not red.

So Ali got that present a week early and she already knows her other one. She gets a full body spa treatment, hot stones, oils/lotions and a mani-pedi. I really should get licensed to work in a spa, if for nothing more than proper training.

Even thou she knows, and is excited and as much as I know I'm very good at spa like things, I still get a bit nervous I want it to be perfect. In the very least I want it to be damn close.

I know Ali's taking me out to dinner but not on Thursday. We're planing on this Saturday. I have no idea what her surprise for me is. It could have nothing or everything to do with how her room smells like freshly burnt wood as she burns deigns into little plaques. (She has tools so it's safe and the dorm is in no danger of burning down) She's shown other people and they all come back with this smile on their face and no I really, really, really want to know.

It's not alive, thou she has promised me a wolfhound puppy will aper one of these days. with a personalize collar that says 'Pillage'. They are so cute as puppies and then the grow up in to large dogs that you can tumble with and adventure around with.

Anyway back to this week.

Ali is just so wonderful and sweet to me, I want it to be amazing for her. Like yesterday I wasn't feeling very good and she took care of me. She also some hoe made it so I fell asleep almost instantly after she tucked me in and I slept for over twelve hours till she woke me up.

So I'm a wee bit jittery for this Thursday. Heres to hoping it all goes well.

Classes

Well spring semester is hear and I think I have the money to pay for it. Pretty sure. Just waiting on the pay check to come in.

Classes look really good this term too.

I have a class over ABA witch will be interesting not only because of the material but because of who's in it. You see I work as a play therapist. I volunteer to help feed the farm for the kids animal and art therapist. FRom what I have heard of ABA it is a cold way to deal with a child. Just training them how to act in very controlled scenarios and not really working with the kid.

She'd tried them and they were awful, so she says.

It was a required class for my Child Psych major, otherwise I would have been taking a different psych class this term.

Well the girl who sites right next to me interned at one of these ABA clinics and sings its praises. Went on about how it really, really works and there was so much improvement and yeah...

I know that it probably works from some kids, just like how it apparently really, really didn't work for the little boy I work with...but still we have very different veiws. The discussions will be very interesting. The only down side is the book is $270. So I'm still browsing trying to find it used for faaar cheeper.

That's also my only class on Mondays and Wednesdays now that I've dropped advanced creative writing. I love the professor dearly but I took her intermediate class and I didn't see any differences, including a five page dubbel space limit. So I'm taking a semester half off, Ali and Rose are making a 'creative writing' class for me at the writing center. I won't get credit but I'll get crit.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm busy. I'm also taking my first history class, it's over New Religions and/or Cults. It will be fascinating and the professor is so snarky. Then I'm taking Writing out of the Multicultural Experience. I think I'm mostly going to be writing about my sexuality and my disorders. Its kinda funny I can only get words out about my learning disorders in essays, but my physical ones only come out in poems. Usawaly I'm not a poet.

And then Drawing 1.

I wish I had been able to take it sooner, because I had considered a studio art minnor. It's just so fun and the professor, Nancy is so quirky and fun. She also just gave us a bunch of art supplies with a smile and said, "It's like Christmas!"I'm going to love this class so much, and I'll probably go on to Drawing II next semester and learn how to draw people better.

And I still have plenty of time open for work. Yay gainful employment.

It's doing alright

Today so far has been a pretty good.

Work today was alright, he still wont get out of bed to early but when he did we had a grand old time. And he's improved so much. He can work through problems with out melting down most of the time and he can talk himself through his anger. He drew more than just Tomas the Tank Engine. Put his shoose on with no fuss. Better at transitions.

It's nice to see the work you do really helping some one.

Going to do laundry, and finish straightening up my room then hang with Ali and Skye. Maybe start on my first letter to Juliet, who is now in Paris for the semester. Maybe play some more Dragon Age II. That game may even rival my love for Assassin's Creed.

It's fun, Ali is playing as a girl Hawk and I'm playing as a guy to see if anything changes. Nothing dose except your male  love interests are rather bluntly queer if your a guy. Not like they're out being 'fabulous' as you might think but some of the things they say. It's pretty awesome.

I also just mailed in my hours to get payed. I really think I'll make tuition! I do I do!

Then I might go get ether a piercing or a tattoo done in celebration. As I am now paying for everything, I see no resin why not. Have a little fun before I go back in to Dragon Mode where I hoard all my money for the tuition payment of the fucher.

Yep, it's going to be a good day.

On the Clock

So I have a job that is simultaneously one of the most educational, enjoyable experiences and one of the most frustrating and draining experiences.

I work with a family and their five year old autistic child. I can't say to much on what exactly I do for confidentiality and the like but I can say a bit. 

The boy I work with is sweet, when he wants to be, he's also a five year old boy and five year old boys can be a turd when they want to be. He usawally means very well and just has a hard time relating or communicating what exactly he feels and/or wants. He really is a good kid. 

What's frustrating is my job is supposed to be helping to teach him and then on the weekend I work on his social skills with out academics. But lately he has been sleeping in over half the time my coworker and I have with him and then its a real row trying to get him dressed or out to the 'class room'. Or when he's out there we're having a hard time getting him to do things.

He's improved greatly from when I started working with him. He's better at talking, he's better imagining things, he's better copeing when things go wrong. 

He really is better.

And he's better at getting around what we want him to do. 

It's a stressful joy. 

When we feel crubby

Ali and I are very different when we care for each other when the other is sick. I was raised in a family of ten with an ER nurse for a mom and sometimes had to help care for little sick ones when I was half asleep of sick my self. Also I'm first aid and CPR trained...and the doctor of my circle of friends.

So when Ali first get's sick at first I question her about when, where, how. Run all applicable tests (Concussion, stoke, dehydration, hear attack warnings, ext.) Get her to lay down. Get her temperature. That sort a thing.

If she needs meds I find the kind I think will work best out of my pharmacy of a medicine drawer and give her the right amount. I would watch and give her crackers when I thought her stomach could handle it and always make sure she had water. I'd rub her head so she could fall asleep.

Ali is very good at sleeping it off and usawaly gets well very quickly that way.

My Angel...well she has not had the training, and as long as I'm awake I can tell her what to do. But there is something so sweet in the way Ali takes care of me. Just her default question when I'm curled under my blankets coughing or feeling puke-y.

"Can I get you water?"

It's just the way she says it and her face is so hopeful and just so adrabul. I could feel like dyeing and she still makes me smile. Kinda like a puppy. But much cuter.

She gives a few instructions too. Like:

"Try not to coff on people"

That is for me, for other's especially any medical persons.

"DON'T GIVE HER PENICILLIN SHE'LL DIE!!!"

I'm in good hands.

Cake pops and Snuggles

It had been a long time since Ali and I had been able to go out on a date. We have nice stay in dates where we just curl up together and watch a movie or an episode of Sherlock or My Little Pony. A lot of that is because I have no spare cash. At all.

However I do have Starbucks gift cards.

A lot of them, I don't get out to much so they just kinda pile up and now they are being put to good use.  Ali doesn't like coffee, or any kind of caffeinated drink but she loves cake-pops. So now once a month we're going to go out to Starbucks and I'll get her cake-pops and my self a drink or maybe a tinny pie. It was grate and so sweet and tender as we just got to sit and snack and talk about the future and our friends and life.

We got back and after a bit of chilling with friends we were off for some alone time. It's also been a while since we were just silly in sex. Goofing off and snuggling and just cuddling close and eskimo kisses. I'd really missed that. And the after snuggles. Gotta love the after snuggles.

I also got to spend the night in her room, not the same bed because she has new pearceing in her upper ear that we were afraid my hair would attack so I was on her couch bed. We were supposed to get up at 11 am today to get around but she set an alarm for 10:30 so she could sneak in and cuddle me.

It's the sweetest thing ever being woken up with your Angel holding you close. Epshally when she kisses your ear and tells you "good morning love".

Its been a good 24 hours.

Mom and Dad

So my parents and I are on good tearms. We have been for a while but it just dawned on me yesterday. Mom and I are sending jokes through text back and forth. Dad's helping me with my taxes. None of us are mentioning anyhting like religion, tuition, or politics to each other but you know what, I'm okay with that.

It's taken a while but I think I'm okay with not being abul to talk to Mom or Dad about certin things. I had missed us just talking and jokeing about. Mom and I even went to a spa together when I was down on brake.

I think now it's not so much ignoring the tension and distance between us (Mom more than Dad), it's not bringing up anything that could push us further apart. I'm not saying I'm all peaches and giggles with them, but I'm contented. At least for now.

That's not to say I don't still get nervous about them or anything like that, but it is nice to just be a daughter sometimes.

Irate twas I

So I have now reached the point that I can write more about the split with Lee and the things that went alright. And the things that made me bang my head against the wall. Mostly these are the things that make bang my head against a wall.

So this split didn't go as well as planed. Not the after the part, I had a few ideas of how it would go but...how sure can you bee things will turn out when you tell the boyfriend who dated you in full knowledge of you and your polly girl friend that your well...gay.

For starters, my web cam wasn't working so this was all done over Skype IM. Not preferable but I didn't feel comfortable waiting any longer. So I told him.
And waited.
And got the response of "Alright? Is that all?"

Several blinks later I replied with something along the lines of "As in lesbian...as in your a guy...as in I'm so sorry..." and that went on for a little while. Lee told me not to apologize for being who I was and that made it a little easier and we ended on the note of he needed a bit of time to take it all in, as he was still in shock. After talking about some other things, like his dad had stopped cemo but was still doing alright, his cat was still cute and fluffy, younger siblings were all doing good he said he probably wouldn't be able to talk until the next day or the day after, as he was still in shock. He also said that he wasn't going to out me to his family.

I was okay with this. I needed a bit of space too. So we said goodnight and sweet dreams, I wandered down the hall to Ali's room, told her I had done it and received snuggles of comfort.

So far all was going pretty okay. A bit better than I expected.

Went back to my room, got around for bed and looked back at Skype. Lee had left a message. I full sized my screen and still had to scroll three times. That in it's self was not frustrating. Hard to read as there were no paragraph brakes but the size wasn't frustrating.

What was frustrating was the context and the lack of two days. Context more than the lack.

Was it that I was still pan but not polly? Was it just the strain of a long distance relationship? Do I not feel the urge to get close because we are so far apart? Questions like that, that I had taken under very careful consideration before hand. Admittedly yes, the long distance was straining, and a lot of them were yet other resins to end a relationship.

And then he just didn't seem to get that we were done. That it was over. I was gay he was a guy. It wouldn't work. Not just because of the sex but that there wouldn't be an underlying drive to make it work. It would just sit and become increasingly more uncomphtraul. He wanted us to talk in person about it before we called it off.

I understand wanting to talk...but it was done.

The way I see it is, it take two or more to make a relationship. One to end it. If the one person says it's done, then well it's done. He also seemed to hint at having wanted to date Ali as well, but I might have miss read that. Either way it wouldn't have worked out. Ali says that only one other person has as little chemistry between them and her, than Lee and she did.

I didn't know what to say so I just went to bed.

And woke up the next morning with a voice memo. In short it said that we should still get together...because he was also not completely straight.

And then the texts. They would all be one message but they would go up to 23-25 texts long, so my phone would just jingle for a minuet and a half. Again they were all things that I didn't really know how to respond to. So I didn't. It just kept sounding more and more that he ignored that I was done and texted Ali once as well.

According to her it went off a few times, and when it continued she had time to put her pants on come down the hall, open my door and hold the phone out to me. At that point I looked up at her and blinked "Yes?"
The text alert went off again. And again. And again.
"Oh, I'm sorry love."

She went through it a bit later came back and said, "It had nothing to do with me, also he doesn't seem to get that your gay."

And the texts came again. Some where incredibly guilt tripping. Most where in fact. It was getting to the point of putting a rift between Ali and I. She was tiered of hearing about it, as it wasn't her relationship. She didn't really get why she was pulled into it. She was there for me at first but after so much of "Lee's doing this" it got old. I don't blame her. It was stressing me out and in turn stressing my relationship with Ali and she hadn't even been dating the guy or even interested.

Finally I gave in and called him, like he wanted. He again tried to ask if we could just try going slower.

"Lee, I'm a lesbian, we can go as slow as you want and it still wont move."

The one thing that really got under my skin was that he felt betrayed and cheated on that I was not open and honest about being gay with him...but it was perfectly okay that his sexuality discoveries and pondering were not brought out at all until after we broke up, and only then it seemed as a way to try and get me back. Because "It didn't change the status quo of our relationship".

What. The. Fuck.

Nonononono. If one of us is betraying for an action we both did, then we both are betraying. You can't claim that I did some grate wrong by not telling you the second I thought I was a lesbian but it's okay for you. It dose not fucking work like that.

I also clearly said that I needed time and space about six times. I got that for most of a day.

And then he turned my personal blog into his personal therapy session. I was pissed. Very, very pissed. I recall words like 'asshole' and 'what the fuck' being hurled at my screen and I was seriously second guessing my stance of never tearing down comments. I got my roommate Skye to look up with how much I looked like I was trying to implode the internet with my mind. I stormed down the hall and screamed into Ali's pillow as she patted my back.

Luckily I am much more polite when I respond to things.

Lee and I have spoken a bit since then but I'm not running to rekindle a close friendship any more. I would like to remain friends because he was a really nice guy as we were dating but right now I am willing to just be aquantinces.

Ali and I are doing better. A few good snuggle talks will fix things up better than you'd expect. My friends at Hollins are still cautioning me to keep a good distance. Apparently his lack of spoken word made them all uncomfortable when he came up to see me...and his recent actions were not particularly charming to them.

So yes. That's the less cheerful, less fluffy part of my side of this whole thing. Ta-flippin-Da.

Sometimes I need to be held

Sometimes I get scared.

Scared I won't be abel to make enough to stay at Hollins.

Scared that the crap that seems to fallow me like a lost puppy will become to much for Ali and she'll leave me one day.

Scared of getting stuck in Texas.

Scared of my family.

Scared that they won't show to my graduation or wedding.

Scared that I will fail.

To scared to ask for help sometimes, usually because it's in front of people I don't know.

They come and go, but today was just rough in a few spots. spread out enough to make it the length of the day, but not close enough to really clue anyone, including me, in till the end when it all just boiled over. I sobbed in Ali's arms for what felt like an hour. We eventually reached the verdict that things would be better in the morning and I should just go to bed, so she kissed me good night and went back to her room. I do feel better after crying it out, because I know that I can do things. I can handle things, but damn it all I am allowed to brake down from time to time and just bloody cry.

Sometimes that's all you feel you can do because it seems like you life is like squirrels dueling to the death with light-sabers.

As amazed as I would be to see the Hollins squirrels do that, it sucks when it feels like President Snow's squirrely amusement is what is deciding the factors of my life. 

I will make the payment this semester. And the one after that. And the one after that. One way or another. 

Ali and I are strong enough together to withstand any crap, bull shit, or hard time. We both know we don't have a fairy tail love story. What we have is real. It's been hard, at times down right shitty. But nothing has ever felt more real than standing by her, holding her, and being stood by and held. 

I will not go back to Texas anytime soon to live and if I do it will be for a very good resin and it will not be 'stuck'. Like holy-shit-this-job-is-amazing-beyond-words resin. 

Not having my family there like they used to be is pretty shitty but it's also made me realize how much I can stand on my own. I can even sing and dance. 

I can't control what they do. I accept that. They will get the invitation but I can't make them come.

I will fall but by the fact that I refuse to stay down I will never fail.

This will take work. I can be incredibly shy sometimes with no rhyme or resin. Very soft spoken. Ali suggested I just text her then when I need to talk so I don't have to say it in front of people. I think I'll do that.

I know that I will brake down again. Not soon, as it dosn't happen often. But one day I will just need to cry and be held, but that's okay. We all brake down from time to time and it never means we are week, it doesn't even mean we're strong. It means we're human.

And being human is always easier when you have an Angel of a love to hold you.

I may have swooned a bit

I have the sweetest, most romantic girl friends ever.

It's J-tearm here at Hollins and that means that for the whole month we just take one class that's really fun and there are a lot of extra activities that Hollins puts on for us.

Like last night.

At dinner there was a mechanical bull and karaoke.

I did the bull twice, sadly with out my cowgirl hat. I got about 30 seconds the first time because the guy was easing people into it before realizing a few of us don't come off easy. Even with the one hand rule. That time I hit the back of the bull bounced and landed 'gracfuly' in a heap in the padded arena. Second time he didn't warm up at all and instantly went full speed and spin.

Lasted about 12 seconds there, the dismount was fun, there was one full spin I was parallel to the bull and then lots of summersaults into the inflatable wall.

Of any about to face the bull the trick is to grip with your calfs and knees but keep your hips louse and move with it.

And then the karaoke.

We were about to leave when Ali asked us to wait just one more minuet she had a song she wanted us to hear. I will preface this with the fact that I love country love songs. Replace 'baby' with my name.

She used this song. With in the first two notes I had gone bright pink with my hand over my mouth and was a bright, bright pink. At the first mention of my name Juliet started pushing me to go up front next to her. By the chorus I was right next to her, and well I started singing back. I switched 'baby' with 'Angel'

I usawaly don't like singing in front of people, but I just didn't see them. Or hear them when they all started 'awww'ing or clapping. Just my Angel. And I couldn't stop smiling, my cheeks were starting to hurt a bit.

It took a lot of restraint to wait for the end of the song to kiss her proper.

I may have swooned just a bit. She really is an Angel to me.

Swings anyone?

So in the wonderful journey that is self exploration I've learned a lot of new things about myself. Starting with but not limited to I'm a Lesbian, I'm a Swinger, I might be claustrophobic in certen situations (thank you disney), and other things.

So now onto the other part of my identity...reform I guess you could call it.

I still fall under the Polly spectrum of loves. I still am okay with loving more than one, I have found how ever that I am not the same as Ali on this. Ali is what I would call the classic. She can carry on multiple relationships of varying degrees and love everyone all the same and bee cool with it.

I'm more of a swinger. I have my one person that I love above all else (Ali) and am okay with fun dates, cuddels, and small kisses with some one else as long as it is understood that this is a fun thing that won't go anywhere at all and may end or be put on hold at any time, depending on the people involved.

So that's that. Not much a back story on that. Just a lot of me flopped on my bed listening to music and thinking.

Ta-Da?

Bring out the Sonic Rainbooms!

Well let's get started on the hows and the whys shall we. And for all of you who get the tittle reference well you're 20% cooler now. 

So I'm gay. After all the years of denying it to myself and to others, I admit it. I am a Lesbian. Right now it still kinda sucks because I just ended it with the most amazing man in the world, so as comfortable as I am with myself, and as much as I know it was best, I can't say I'm to happy with my self just yet. I know I will be eventually but right now it's still raw on my end and I can only imagine what it must be like for Lee. 

So lets get started in high school, that's about when the *oh look at all the other attractive people* started. I as said before crushed on Femmy. She was smart, pretty, and was a very good author. Mom said no I wasn't and I shut up about it and somehow managed to ignore the part of my brain that said "look at all the pretty girls, don't they look lovely?"  I ignored, somehow, how much I wanted to do the sorta things seen in movies between guys and girls with another girl.

I had one official boy friend. I met him freshman year by being set up on a blind date to cotillion with him and then later I asked him out to the homecoming dance our junior year. He was actually a lot like Lee. Very sweet. Very old fashion. Very much wanted to spend time with me, he even joined the guard to do so. Very good with written words. 

We dated for about a year and a half. In that time we had brief fleeting kisses and never really moved past that. It took about a year for me to come to terms that the mystical majical 'spark' that supposedly drive a new relationship wasn't there. That the feelings my friends described having for their boyfriends I just didn't have. When I admitted that Nathaniel and I just hadn't made out and had been dating for at that time over a year she stared at me open mouthed, "What have you been doing all this time!?" To witch I responded "Uh, taking it slow I suppose."I broke it off with him two thirds of the way through our senior year. Not ready to admit who I wanted but unable to deny that it wasn't working. 

And then ignored how much I wanted to start something up with one of my closest friends. She is still one of my closest friends, and has a wonderful boy friend that she loves and is very happy with him. I ignored how much all through high school I just wasn't into guys. I told my self that it was just because high school boys were all idiots and when I dated Nathaniel I had snagged the one good one. When I broke it off with him it wasn't that I didn't care about him. I did still love him. But I knew that it wasn't the love that everyone talked, and wrote, and made movies over. It was like the love between Mary and Pippin. Or Frodo and Sam. Brotherly, close friendship love. You'd go everywhere from Gondor to Mount Doom for them but your not looking to steal kisses and snuggles when the Fellowship isn't looking. 

Because I couldn't like girls. Mom had said so. And people didn't just like girls. To be honest for a while I considered just being a spinster. Just not deal with it. 

My fondness for the female body had nothing to do with me picking Hollins as a school but not a day has gone by that I haven't been thankful for the sisterhood I found here and that I haven't fallen even more in love with the Green and Gold. The most relevant parts about Hollins for this post are was how far away it was from parental influence, and how supportive it was. Here for the first time I had the space to think for my self. Truly for my self with my own devices. I have yet to find a more loving community than that of the Hollins women. One of us could stand up in Moody and yell to the heavens our sexuality and/or gender identity and the rest of Moody if they reacted at all it would be in apualse or hugs or some people yelling "Me too!"

So as stated before, freshman year I fell for Ang, one of my friends. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and well single. I wanted her. Not possessively or anything, but I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to kissed her nose in such a way that she would giggle and blush and call me silly. I wanted to hold her as I feel asleep with her all ready snoozing in my arms. I wanted to kiss her. 

I felt away that I could never describe feeling for a guy. Not by any stretch. 

I didn't prasue her because I thought that she was too old fashion and wouldn't return my feelings. I valued our friendship so much that I was content to just day dream of snuggles and be there for her how she wanted me. Turned out that she wasn't a natural shade of pink that I always saw her in and wanted me too but didn't say anything because she thought I was too Catholic and all that. As said before she now has a wonderful loving feance and I am very happy for them.  I crushed on sevral women.

Then Ali. Beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented as a goddess, snuggly as a stuffed animal, loving Ali. This parts runs a lot like when I found out I was pan, or at least I thought I was pan. Baby steps. Baby steps. 

For awhile I was just straight with the exception of my Angel Ali. With Ali I had that drive. I actively tried to get closer physicly. With Ali I finally got what everyone was talking about. I understood the need to be close to someone. The need to keep them safe. The need to let them explore. The need for aspirin because it can all be so confusing and overwhelming. The need to just be there for them how ever they let you be there. With Ali we snuck kisses when the Fellowship wasn't looking. With Ali everything was better even when we had fights. It's this indescribable feeling, that is still strong for me. Very strong. Despite the fact that now we don't sneak around for kisses, being out on campus, and the pressure from my Mom to not become the faithless dyke she thinks I will be. 

I'm not a dyke, and I'm not a fem. I don't really fit any stereotype that I can really think of as far a personality goes. I'll dress up every now and then to see the look on Ali's face or just to be cute. I go roll in the mud, and do hard labor and actually enjoy it. I play with legos, I played with barbies. I see your box and I burn it to the ground. 

Back on topic. 

You all know of Lee. When I started things with him I identified as Pan. I thought I was. I was still working through the emotions and desires I had. I loved him, and I still do care for him as a person but on the same level that I care for a close friend. I enjoyed his company and I liked the time spent together but it felt very much like Nathaniel. It just didn't have a drive on my end, and to keep it going would have been cheating both of us. 

Maybe later I'll have more on that. Not right now. 

But I'm gay. I'm a Lesbian. I am a member of the rainbow flagged nation if you want to be real dramatic. Looking back now I can see me identifying as Pan and Demi was a way for me to rationalize that I could still like guys even when I didn't feel strong pulls towards any of them. I mean Demi to my understanding is not feeling a sexual disaier/attraction till a firm emotional bond is already there. But I do get that turned on, for lack of a better phrase, by girls I don't even know when I see them sometimes. I can apreacat how men are attractive but I'm not attracted to them. I want to be in a life long romantic/physical/lovy relationship with Ali, a woman. I just can't see myself doing it with a guy. Even if he is the best man on the planet, he is just isn't the guy for me. There is no guy for me because well, I'm Gay (and of Eropaen decent if that counts for anything).

I am a Lesbian. And you know what, I'm okay with that now. 

So I'm not Pan....well shit

Hi, My name's JR and I'm a Lesbian. 

Yes I know I said I was Pan. I know, I know...but I'm not. I don't like the male sex. As people they're grate. I have many guy friends and I think they're all real cool. I know I'm dating Lee who is very much a man. I know. 

It was really because I was dating Lee that it started making me realize it. He is the ideal man for many many people let me tell you. He was for me before I worked my feelings out that I just can't get into guys. He is the most intelligent, funniest person I ever have knows, and is so, so very sweet and noble. He did everything right and I didn't feel any internal push to get closer. Didn't feel a drive to be physically closer. Didn't feel a drive for anything past the fun cliché dates that we were doing. 

It's not like I never kiss him. I do. But I don't make out with him, and to be frank the idea of making out with a guy, any guy, and anything past that makes me uncomfortable. Lee hasn't pushed for it or asked for it but the idea of it....no...I just can't. I really just can't. 

This post is more my coming out than my explanation on, that will come shortly after I tell Lee, which will be shortly after I post this. Better he hears it from me than reads it from me. That could just be a disaster. 

Well wish me luck, I need it.

Resolution?

So Mom made a resolution to get to know her kids better. She feels like she spends far to much time raising them to actually make a life and create a bond with them.

Well...shit.

I meen that's grate and all but it makes me nervous as hell.

Because as close as she want's to get...there are somethings and people not ready to come out yet and I'm still working thought who I am and what my sexuality is and what I want to do and I'm afraid of her.

I know I'll have to face it sooner or later but I'm not ready and I can think of a few others who aren't ready yet as well.

One the other hand if this doesn't get met with rejection and underhanded ways to try and convince me I am not *fill in the blank* it would be nice to actually get to talk things out with a parent. I don't dare try Dad. I just can't right now.

So what am I supposed to do? half truths? lie? blurt it out and hope the bomb shelter holds up? I'm so confused.

Animal Kingdom

So Mom and Dad told me that we were driving to Missouri to see the rest of our family on Christmas Day. That morning we unwrapped a box and well, now we're al in disney World one two day car trip later. I spent most of that driving or napping, so really not much to say on that. Odd as it is the only really memorable things are my dreams of Ali but those as overly sweet and snuggly. And now I'm back in the time zone I'm used to, so yay.

This was day one and we spent it in Animal Kingdom after a bunch with cariturs. It was about a two thirds day. Not a half day but not a full day ether.

After Brunch we went in and tried to stay as a group, so first two things were together. The Rapid ride and I had Lu kid number 9 next to me. She was a fun one. There is nothing like a 4 year old laughing and shrieking with glee as she gets splashed. We then ran off to it's tough being a bug, a 4D show. Lu said she wasn't scared of the spooky parts but truth be told she spent most of it in my jacket, staring at the fine print of my shirt. After that we split. Older kids braved the 75 minuet wait for Expedition Everest. The inside jokes and  cracks at new ones made it feel a lot faster.

If you enjoy costers go ride that one. I have never been so joyfully terrifyed in my life. flying backwards and forwards in dark tunnels being haunted by a yeti.

Dinner was the Ohana experience, we got to watch a fire dancer.

I'm sorry for the short and not that informative post, but it's 12:10 I'm in a room full of kids and bone tiered from watching them for most of the day.

A more detailed post will come up probably at the end of the week.