Two Dates in Two Days

So Ali and I don't always get a chance to go out and just go on a date. It's a nice sometimes kinda occasion. Well this past weekend I got to go on two dates with my lovly Angel.

The first one was something called First Friday, where on the first friday of everymonth the art studios open up and Frogert offers a deal for Hollins girls. Ali and I spent two hours walking all over downtown Roanoke looking in studios, from the personal 'we live in the back behind the welder' ones to the fancy ones that if we weren't wearing out nice jackets might have thought we were hooligans. We talked with a lot of the artists. Everyone seems to know everyone else, it was really nice.

The second was a free movie called 'Hysteria'.

It's about the invention of the vibrator.

You should go see it.

That's all I will say.

3 day long Valentines day

Yesterday was a very good day. And well it started at 12:10 promptly with a gift/card exchange. Hollins has an Otaku Hall and one of their biggest fundraisers is selling these little plushies called mu. They're really cute and soft and make good tinny pillows or cuddle buddies. I got Ali one of those and I drew out her card. It had a chibi Shang from Mulan under a cherry blossom tree with "You...you fight good." in calligraphy.

Mulan is her favorit disney movie, she loves my calligraphy, and cherry blossoms are her favorite flower.

Ali had been driving me up the wall showing everyone else what she had been making me and I kept hearing how good it was. The wait and hype was worth it. She burned into a wood plaque, in chancery script, It's That Simple.

The saying comes from when we first started dating in secret. We were on my bed kissing and Ali looked at me and sounded so scared "What if we don't make it? What if it doesn't work out?"And I looked at her and smiled and told her it would, but she shook her head, "How do you know it will?"

"I love you," I told her and kissed her. To this day I can still rembure the feel of that kiss, so soft and tender. when it was done I smiled at her and said "It's that Simple."

We spent a while dancing across the floor of the room and being cute before we both realized we should go to bed because of morning classes.

The next day was like a pretty normal day for the most part. We got up, ate breakfast went to classes. At lunch she pulled out a small box of chocolets. It's really sweet, you see Ali hates chocolates to the point I think she has an allergy to them, but every valentines day she goes to Chocolate Paper and gets me a small box of some hand picked ones.

We were a bit more lovey on each other for the day but I had work so we didn't go out to eat, yet. That is going to happen tomorrow after I get back from caving and we go to the art museum.

That night thou I gave her the first part of her real present. A pedicure. The full thing includes hot stones, a full body massage and she can pick a style like swedish or dumi if she wants, a manicure and a pedicure. The pedicure part takes a few times, because Ali gets really thick rough calluses on her heal and big toes. So I got a few new tools and set to scrubbing and massaging her feet and rubed a good lotion in and put on her new shea socks I got her. We checked on them to today and they already feel so smooth. I'm a bit smug over it. Tonight I'm going to have a fallow up with her feet and tomarrow she gets the rest of it.

I must say I'm pretty happy with life right now.

Love bug jitters

Valentines Day is coming and well I want it to be extra special. Ali already get her hold-abul present because it came out just perfect and I couldn't wait to give it to her.

You see Ali's favorite disney princess is Mulan, and mine is now Merida, so a friend of ours made these for me in secret. Mulan and Merida off on an adventure together. It's fun to pretend it's us too as Ali is half asian and is skilled with knives and has some practice swords. I'm an archer and have very curly hair, brown thou not red.

So Ali got that present a week early and she already knows her other one. She gets a full body spa treatment, hot stones, oils/lotions and a mani-pedi. I really should get licensed to work in a spa, if for nothing more than proper training.

Even thou she knows, and is excited and as much as I know I'm very good at spa like things, I still get a bit nervous I want it to be perfect. In the very least I want it to be damn close.

I know Ali's taking me out to dinner but not on Thursday. We're planing on this Saturday. I have no idea what her surprise for me is. It could have nothing or everything to do with how her room smells like freshly burnt wood as she burns deigns into little plaques. (She has tools so it's safe and the dorm is in no danger of burning down) She's shown other people and they all come back with this smile on their face and no I really, really, really want to know.

It's not alive, thou she has promised me a wolfhound puppy will aper one of these days. with a personalize collar that says 'Pillage'. They are so cute as puppies and then the grow up in to large dogs that you can tumble with and adventure around with.

Anyway back to this week.

Ali is just so wonderful and sweet to me, I want it to be amazing for her. Like yesterday I wasn't feeling very good and she took care of me. She also some hoe made it so I fell asleep almost instantly after she tucked me in and I slept for over twelve hours till she woke me up.

So I'm a wee bit jittery for this Thursday. Heres to hoping it all goes well.

It's doing alright

Today so far has been a pretty good.

Work today was alright, he still wont get out of bed to early but when he did we had a grand old time. And he's improved so much. He can work through problems with out melting down most of the time and he can talk himself through his anger. He drew more than just Tomas the Tank Engine. Put his shoose on with no fuss. Better at transitions.

It's nice to see the work you do really helping some one.

Going to do laundry, and finish straightening up my room then hang with Ali and Skye. Maybe start on my first letter to Juliet, who is now in Paris for the semester. Maybe play some more Dragon Age II. That game may even rival my love for Assassin's Creed.

It's fun, Ali is playing as a girl Hawk and I'm playing as a guy to see if anything changes. Nothing dose except your male  love interests are rather bluntly queer if your a guy. Not like they're out being 'fabulous' as you might think but some of the things they say. It's pretty awesome.

I also just mailed in my hours to get payed. I really think I'll make tuition! I do I do!

Then I might go get ether a piercing or a tattoo done in celebration. As I am now paying for everything, I see no resin why not. Have a little fun before I go back in to Dragon Mode where I hoard all my money for the tuition payment of the fucher.

Yep, it's going to be a good day.

When we feel crubby

Ali and I are very different when we care for each other when the other is sick. I was raised in a family of ten with an ER nurse for a mom and sometimes had to help care for little sick ones when I was half asleep of sick my self. Also I'm first aid and CPR trained...and the doctor of my circle of friends.

So when Ali first get's sick at first I question her about when, where, how. Run all applicable tests (Concussion, stoke, dehydration, hear attack warnings, ext.) Get her to lay down. Get her temperature. That sort a thing.

If she needs meds I find the kind I think will work best out of my pharmacy of a medicine drawer and give her the right amount. I would watch and give her crackers when I thought her stomach could handle it and always make sure she had water. I'd rub her head so she could fall asleep.

Ali is very good at sleeping it off and usawaly gets well very quickly that way.

My Angel...well she has not had the training, and as long as I'm awake I can tell her what to do. But there is something so sweet in the way Ali takes care of me. Just her default question when I'm curled under my blankets coughing or feeling puke-y.

"Can I get you water?"

It's just the way she says it and her face is so hopeful and just so adrabul. I could feel like dyeing and she still makes me smile. Kinda like a puppy. But much cuter.

She gives a few instructions too. Like:

"Try not to coff on people"

That is for me, for other's especially any medical persons.

"DON'T GIVE HER PENICILLIN SHE'LL DIE!!!"

I'm in good hands.

Cake pops and Snuggles

It had been a long time since Ali and I had been able to go out on a date. We have nice stay in dates where we just curl up together and watch a movie or an episode of Sherlock or My Little Pony. A lot of that is because I have no spare cash. At all.

However I do have Starbucks gift cards.

A lot of them, I don't get out to much so they just kinda pile up and now they are being put to good use.  Ali doesn't like coffee, or any kind of caffeinated drink but she loves cake-pops. So now once a month we're going to go out to Starbucks and I'll get her cake-pops and my self a drink or maybe a tinny pie. It was grate and so sweet and tender as we just got to sit and snack and talk about the future and our friends and life.

We got back and after a bit of chilling with friends we were off for some alone time. It's also been a while since we were just silly in sex. Goofing off and snuggling and just cuddling close and eskimo kisses. I'd really missed that. And the after snuggles. Gotta love the after snuggles.

I also got to spend the night in her room, not the same bed because she has new pearceing in her upper ear that we were afraid my hair would attack so I was on her couch bed. We were supposed to get up at 11 am today to get around but she set an alarm for 10:30 so she could sneak in and cuddle me.

It's the sweetest thing ever being woken up with your Angel holding you close. Epshally when she kisses your ear and tells you "good morning love".

Its been a good 24 hours.

Aw, yay

So Ali is reading a lot more than usawal lately. J-tearm gives her the time. Well when books mention psychology she smiles.

She associates talks about real psychological events, facts, theories with talking with me. So now when ever she reads about it she smiles and sometimes blushes.

I am very happy with this association.

Irate twas I

So I have now reached the point that I can write more about the split with Lee and the things that went alright. And the things that made me bang my head against the wall. Mostly these are the things that make bang my head against a wall.

So this split didn't go as well as planed. Not the after the part, I had a few ideas of how it would go but...how sure can you bee things will turn out when you tell the boyfriend who dated you in full knowledge of you and your polly girl friend that your well...gay.

For starters, my web cam wasn't working so this was all done over Skype IM. Not preferable but I didn't feel comfortable waiting any longer. So I told him.
And waited.
And got the response of "Alright? Is that all?"

Several blinks later I replied with something along the lines of "As in lesbian...as in your a guy...as in I'm so sorry..." and that went on for a little while. Lee told me not to apologize for being who I was and that made it a little easier and we ended on the note of he needed a bit of time to take it all in, as he was still in shock. After talking about some other things, like his dad had stopped cemo but was still doing alright, his cat was still cute and fluffy, younger siblings were all doing good he said he probably wouldn't be able to talk until the next day or the day after, as he was still in shock. He also said that he wasn't going to out me to his family.

I was okay with this. I needed a bit of space too. So we said goodnight and sweet dreams, I wandered down the hall to Ali's room, told her I had done it and received snuggles of comfort.

So far all was going pretty okay. A bit better than I expected.

Went back to my room, got around for bed and looked back at Skype. Lee had left a message. I full sized my screen and still had to scroll three times. That in it's self was not frustrating. Hard to read as there were no paragraph brakes but the size wasn't frustrating.

What was frustrating was the context and the lack of two days. Context more than the lack.

Was it that I was still pan but not polly? Was it just the strain of a long distance relationship? Do I not feel the urge to get close because we are so far apart? Questions like that, that I had taken under very careful consideration before hand. Admittedly yes, the long distance was straining, and a lot of them were yet other resins to end a relationship.

And then he just didn't seem to get that we were done. That it was over. I was gay he was a guy. It wouldn't work. Not just because of the sex but that there wouldn't be an underlying drive to make it work. It would just sit and become increasingly more uncomphtraul. He wanted us to talk in person about it before we called it off.

I understand wanting to talk...but it was done.

The way I see it is, it take two or more to make a relationship. One to end it. If the one person says it's done, then well it's done. He also seemed to hint at having wanted to date Ali as well, but I might have miss read that. Either way it wouldn't have worked out. Ali says that only one other person has as little chemistry between them and her, than Lee and she did.

I didn't know what to say so I just went to bed.

And woke up the next morning with a voice memo. In short it said that we should still get together...because he was also not completely straight.

And then the texts. They would all be one message but they would go up to 23-25 texts long, so my phone would just jingle for a minuet and a half. Again they were all things that I didn't really know how to respond to. So I didn't. It just kept sounding more and more that he ignored that I was done and texted Ali once as well.

According to her it went off a few times, and when it continued she had time to put her pants on come down the hall, open my door and hold the phone out to me. At that point I looked up at her and blinked "Yes?"
The text alert went off again. And again. And again.
"Oh, I'm sorry love."

She went through it a bit later came back and said, "It had nothing to do with me, also he doesn't seem to get that your gay."

And the texts came again. Some where incredibly guilt tripping. Most where in fact. It was getting to the point of putting a rift between Ali and I. She was tiered of hearing about it, as it wasn't her relationship. She didn't really get why she was pulled into it. She was there for me at first but after so much of "Lee's doing this" it got old. I don't blame her. It was stressing me out and in turn stressing my relationship with Ali and she hadn't even been dating the guy or even interested.

Finally I gave in and called him, like he wanted. He again tried to ask if we could just try going slower.

"Lee, I'm a lesbian, we can go as slow as you want and it still wont move."

The one thing that really got under my skin was that he felt betrayed and cheated on that I was not open and honest about being gay with him...but it was perfectly okay that his sexuality discoveries and pondering were not brought out at all until after we broke up, and only then it seemed as a way to try and get me back. Because "It didn't change the status quo of our relationship".

What. The. Fuck.

Nonononono. If one of us is betraying for an action we both did, then we both are betraying. You can't claim that I did some grate wrong by not telling you the second I thought I was a lesbian but it's okay for you. It dose not fucking work like that.

I also clearly said that I needed time and space about six times. I got that for most of a day.

And then he turned my personal blog into his personal therapy session. I was pissed. Very, very pissed. I recall words like 'asshole' and 'what the fuck' being hurled at my screen and I was seriously second guessing my stance of never tearing down comments. I got my roommate Skye to look up with how much I looked like I was trying to implode the internet with my mind. I stormed down the hall and screamed into Ali's pillow as she patted my back.

Luckily I am much more polite when I respond to things.

Lee and I have spoken a bit since then but I'm not running to rekindle a close friendship any more. I would like to remain friends because he was a really nice guy as we were dating but right now I am willing to just be aquantinces.

Ali and I are doing better. A few good snuggle talks will fix things up better than you'd expect. My friends at Hollins are still cautioning me to keep a good distance. Apparently his lack of spoken word made them all uncomfortable when he came up to see me...and his recent actions were not particularly charming to them.

So yes. That's the less cheerful, less fluffy part of my side of this whole thing. Ta-flippin-Da.

Talks

So who do you talk to when you question your sexuality. Well it all depends on you, really. Some people are really good with just the internet, some that friend you see every day and some people even talk to the clergy.

Well this is who I talked to.

Not Lee.

Not even Ali.

Friends that I hadn't see face to face in about three years. Over Skype. It is very handy to have friends that you don't talk to for years and they you just pick up like it was yesterday when you talk again. So we talked about what they were doing and talked about life and I think with one I debated witch legendary pokemon would make the best world travailing compainion. I choose Ente (If that's how you spell it). No legendary I want a herd of Evee's, evolved and non.

And then I told them. "So....I think I'm a lesbian..."

And we worked through that. I got a lot of "Well...I can't say I'm surprised." Or "That makes since."

Only when I was 99.9999999% sure I was gay did I talk to closer friends like Juliet. That just confirmed what I was already thinking. Then I told Ali.

The thing about coming out is, no matter who what or where I still get nervous. Ali is my girl friend and I still had that 'ohshitohshitohshit' feeling.

From there you can all guess, I told Lee and we ended.

As for why I didn't talk to Ali or Lee about this I have pretty good resins. In the very least they are good to me.

For starters, the feelings weren't anything new. It's something I've been dealing with since I realized people don't have cooties. It wasn't a big news flash to me that said feelings were creeping up again and so I didn't news flash it. Secondly, they were both dating me at the time. Not exactly unbiased. Even Ali, who had no risk of my sexuality causing things to end.

Also I've been talked out of being gay before and convinced I wasn't. Yes it was along time ago but I didn't want to risk it, and to be honest I was afraid of something like that happening with Lee. As sweet as he is there is still the:
"So, boyfriend....male...guy...I think I might be a lesbian. Have you any thoughts?"

I just couldn't do it.

So I didn't tell him till a few days after I was absolutely sure, and well here we are now.

The stress of killing with those you love

So a wonderful friend of mine gave me, on a loan, all of the Assassin Creed games except the 3rd. She has it but in all honesty I don't think Ali and I could get to it by the end of the year anyway. I used to go over to her apartment and play every friday for about a month but then Ali got an Xbox 360 for Christmas and well, now we play in Ali's room.

The Assassin Creed games have to be my favorite series ever. I love many games, and consider myself to be a gamer, but nothing will beet the Assassin games.

Ali and I decided to play together, switching off who had the controller so that we could work through the story. I was excited, I get to share the game I love most with the woman I love most. Win Win right.

Well we had a kerfulf-ful you might say. I'm not even sure how it started but we started becoming defensive and snapping at each other...over a game...and something else but I honestly can't remember what.

We were both just being idiots. It took pausing the game, and maybe about a five minuet conversation on what the hell was up before we snuggled back down and worked out a system.

Ali prefers doing the quests and running away in the cities. She's also better at navigating the cities, so she handels that.

I am better when were out on a horse, navigating, getting away and all that So I handle the in between the city bits. And I'm better at the actual combat. I can get it done faster and with less damage to our Assassin.

After that we just snuggled up and playfully teased each other and all was well.

I know we're not perfict. Far from it. We're real. We get in fights. We have our hard times. By golly there's a few times I would have liked to strangle some since into her, and I would put money that she has felt the same in the past.

But you know what, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Sometimes I need to be held

Sometimes I get scared.

Scared I won't be abel to make enough to stay at Hollins.

Scared that the crap that seems to fallow me like a lost puppy will become to much for Ali and she'll leave me one day.

Scared of getting stuck in Texas.

Scared of my family.

Scared that they won't show to my graduation or wedding.

Scared that I will fail.

To scared to ask for help sometimes, usually because it's in front of people I don't know.

They come and go, but today was just rough in a few spots. spread out enough to make it the length of the day, but not close enough to really clue anyone, including me, in till the end when it all just boiled over. I sobbed in Ali's arms for what felt like an hour. We eventually reached the verdict that things would be better in the morning and I should just go to bed, so she kissed me good night and went back to her room. I do feel better after crying it out, because I know that I can do things. I can handle things, but damn it all I am allowed to brake down from time to time and just bloody cry.

Sometimes that's all you feel you can do because it seems like you life is like squirrels dueling to the death with light-sabers.

As amazed as I would be to see the Hollins squirrels do that, it sucks when it feels like President Snow's squirrely amusement is what is deciding the factors of my life. 

I will make the payment this semester. And the one after that. And the one after that. One way or another. 

Ali and I are strong enough together to withstand any crap, bull shit, or hard time. We both know we don't have a fairy tail love story. What we have is real. It's been hard, at times down right shitty. But nothing has ever felt more real than standing by her, holding her, and being stood by and held. 

I will not go back to Texas anytime soon to live and if I do it will be for a very good resin and it will not be 'stuck'. Like holy-shit-this-job-is-amazing-beyond-words resin. 

Not having my family there like they used to be is pretty shitty but it's also made me realize how much I can stand on my own. I can even sing and dance. 

I can't control what they do. I accept that. They will get the invitation but I can't make them come.

I will fall but by the fact that I refuse to stay down I will never fail.

This will take work. I can be incredibly shy sometimes with no rhyme or resin. Very soft spoken. Ali suggested I just text her then when I need to talk so I don't have to say it in front of people. I think I'll do that.

I know that I will brake down again. Not soon, as it dosn't happen often. But one day I will just need to cry and be held, but that's okay. We all brake down from time to time and it never means we are week, it doesn't even mean we're strong. It means we're human.

And being human is always easier when you have an Angel of a love to hold you.

I may have swooned a bit

I have the sweetest, most romantic girl friends ever.

It's J-tearm here at Hollins and that means that for the whole month we just take one class that's really fun and there are a lot of extra activities that Hollins puts on for us.

Like last night.

At dinner there was a mechanical bull and karaoke.

I did the bull twice, sadly with out my cowgirl hat. I got about 30 seconds the first time because the guy was easing people into it before realizing a few of us don't come off easy. Even with the one hand rule. That time I hit the back of the bull bounced and landed 'gracfuly' in a heap in the padded arena. Second time he didn't warm up at all and instantly went full speed and spin.

Lasted about 12 seconds there, the dismount was fun, there was one full spin I was parallel to the bull and then lots of summersaults into the inflatable wall.

Of any about to face the bull the trick is to grip with your calfs and knees but keep your hips louse and move with it.

And then the karaoke.

We were about to leave when Ali asked us to wait just one more minuet she had a song she wanted us to hear. I will preface this with the fact that I love country love songs. Replace 'baby' with my name.

She used this song. With in the first two notes I had gone bright pink with my hand over my mouth and was a bright, bright pink. At the first mention of my name Juliet started pushing me to go up front next to her. By the chorus I was right next to her, and well I started singing back. I switched 'baby' with 'Angel'

I usawaly don't like singing in front of people, but I just didn't see them. Or hear them when they all started 'awww'ing or clapping. Just my Angel. And I couldn't stop smiling, my cheeks were starting to hurt a bit.

It took a lot of restraint to wait for the end of the song to kiss her proper.

I may have swooned just a bit. She really is an Angel to me.

So I'm not Pan....well shit

Hi, My name's JR and I'm a Lesbian. 

Yes I know I said I was Pan. I know, I know...but I'm not. I don't like the male sex. As people they're grate. I have many guy friends and I think they're all real cool. I know I'm dating Lee who is very much a man. I know. 

It was really because I was dating Lee that it started making me realize it. He is the ideal man for many many people let me tell you. He was for me before I worked my feelings out that I just can't get into guys. He is the most intelligent, funniest person I ever have knows, and is so, so very sweet and noble. He did everything right and I didn't feel any internal push to get closer. Didn't feel a drive to be physically closer. Didn't feel a drive for anything past the fun cliché dates that we were doing. 

It's not like I never kiss him. I do. But I don't make out with him, and to be frank the idea of making out with a guy, any guy, and anything past that makes me uncomfortable. Lee hasn't pushed for it or asked for it but the idea of it....no...I just can't. I really just can't. 

This post is more my coming out than my explanation on, that will come shortly after I tell Lee, which will be shortly after I post this. Better he hears it from me than reads it from me. That could just be a disaster. 

Well wish me luck, I need it.

Evil Plot

So Ali finally figured out what my mom's plot is.

You see I've expressed a fear at maybe not making the payment for spring and I get this "Oh what a shame"

Not even a ounce of sympathy in her voice.

She is cutting me off from family support, none of my siblings even know what's happening. So My brothers on either side of me don't get why I seem uncomfortable at home.

I know Mom doesn't get it at all. She's cornered Bean and demanded to know what I tell her and why do I not talk to her (mom) more. Because, well calling my love a rapist, sending my older brother to spy on me, almost pulling me out with out warning, and then suddenly cutting me off and acting like we've never had a single disagreement wouldn't throw a wrench in anything.  Nope not at all.

Well Ali has figured it out.

Mom is waiting for me to hit a wall. To relise that I can't make it on my own yet because the real world is scary and I need mommy and daddy there. She's waiting for me to run out of luck and for my job to not pay enough in time and then she expects that I will go back 'home' and back into the fold, never to leave the state of Texas again.

If she had her way I would go to a collage that is nice and religious and close by, like at most a day trip and that's pushing it. Or I'd just stay and be a stay at home daughter and watch all the kids again. Like I have for the other 20 odd years of my life.

Let me just say...fuck no. Fucking hell no.

I can be homeless and I will not move back in to that woman's house. I'm tiered of walking on eggs around her. I'm sick of hiding things so that mom doesn't suddenly pull my plane ticket and leave me trapped in that place.

I already have several people that I know I can turn to, if not to crash at their place, then to help me find a place. I am not going back. Ever.

The only resin I want to step foot in that house is because of the little ones. I want to be remembered and loved.

Also Mom didn't factor in how much I would just resent her. She seems to be betting on mending our broken relationship, if she even admits that it's broken, over time when I suppose I realize the error of my ways and that family should always be put above my own personal happiness. Or I realize the dangers of lesbian university and thank her for saving my wayward soul.

It's just sad how much I now have dug my feet in the ground and said no. I don't want to move back to Texas, I refuse to move back to Texas. Nonononono.

I was venting about mom to Juliette and she just looked at me and said "You mom is like a totalitarian dystopian government". It is true I've had Hunger Games dreams of her as President Snow. It was kinda creepy.

But If I do hit this wall...well I'm not leaving Roanoke, other than to go to Washington and live with Ali's grandparents and work there for a semester, or to live with my friend in her apartment in Texas if I have to go back.

Not that house.

Bell Book and Cupcakes

So as I had said before I'm more spiritual than religious, and I will admit I take a few things from paganism. Some of what they say really makes since. Mostly I look into the natural healing and that sort of thing. If the Fay are real or not I don't know. Wouldn't be surprised if it was, wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't. I meen I've seen ghosts.

Anyway.

Ali was going to take me on a date as we hadn't had one in so long. We were going to go to a seniors thesis performance with the flute. Right as were were getting around to go out, a knock on the door happened.

Ali is the club cornatior. She runs and manages all SGA clubs and they come to her with questions and problems. At the door was a question/problem.

Katniss (as I call her, she is a huger Hunger Games fan) was about to cry because the room she had reserved for her Bell Book and Candle. Chairs where everywhere and she's never thrown a party before and was just really stressed out. So Ali and I went to help out.

We helped move the chairs back and get things set up, and then with some time to kill we hung out.

I've never been sure to believe in tarot or not...but I do get eerily reflective readings of my life.

Like the one Katniss did for my past life.

I was a black sheep of were ever I was, even thou I was a leader in some local revaluation. But not leader by choice. and I was a black sheep because of a well...because past me was involved with another woman *gasp*. My mother then did not approve of this, big surprise, but out of her love for me she led the counter revolution. Also my little revolutions sounded alot like Hollins. I also had a man that sounded like Lee as well as someone like Ali.

Katniss and I arn't the closest people, also she reads what she reads. As unbiassed as Trot can get I suppose you could say. But she dose warn that her reading may not be clear, and all.

I also got a reading with stones. It liked mapped out my life. The goals I have, problems, that one friend that I don't have to call every day but every time we talk it's like we never dropped off. That one female figure that I feel betrayed by.

It's interesting.

Ali and I ended up staying and talking as the party went on. It was a fun date.

I think I might just go to more Bell Book and Candle events. Panginsum is so interesting and many times a take what fits you leave what dosn't.

I shall keep you updated

Tinker Day!!!

Tinker Day has to be my favorite Hollins tradition. For those of you who don't know Tinker Day is a random day, usawally between first frost and parents weekend. At midnight the seniors run down the halls in their robes banging pots and pans screeming. However they do this other nights before Tinker Day as well, it's their Tinker Scares. The way you know it's really Tinker Day is that the chapel bells right at seven am when Moody opens up with fresh kispy cream donuts.

President Gray

We then dress in our most Tinkery. See like this.

Fun. Oh so much fun!

After a rousing speech from President Gray We hiked up to Tinker mountain, took a water brake and then hiked up the mountain.

It's not a death hike, at least not for me but I'm pretty fit, but it's no stroll. My friends and I were in the back of the heard and they were pacing them selves, and I was with them. I didn't mind at all the mountain is beautiful and it's more fun to go up it with friends.

Somewhere in there I became the Water Fairy. We weren't the only group lagging behind and I didn't drink that much so I spent my time skipping and hopping back and forth to bring water to people that forgot theirs. Sometimes I'd find a nice rock climb up on top and ask anyone who passed if they needed some.

Went through two water bottles completly. I need to bring more next year.

Well we made it to the top were silly songs, fried chicken and skits awaited. The skits this year were really good.  The first years apparently had watched my classes skits from previous years, not that we minded. We were really quite flattered and so proud of out sister class and are now happy to have a nice healthy competition.

Sadly the class of 2014 lost our Golden Donut winning streak when the seniors won best skit this year. I personally disagree I think if we lost to anyone we should have lost to the first years. They were really amazing. Either way we can just win it back next year and 3 out of 4 years has to be a record, even if they're not in a row.

Skits aren't anything like Broadway productions but we have fun and I feel like my class has raised the bar on how good a skit can be. I do have my favorite out of the three skits I've preformed, but it's always such a thrill to do new ones.

There were something's that bothered me on Tinker Day but that's a different post because right now I'm talking about how amazing it all was, just like every year before that.

Tinker Day in short is amazing and wonderful. More schools should do it.

Dreams and Hopes

So we have come to the point of the night where I must confess that my parents goals for me and my goals don't match up.

Mom and Dad's dream:

 I'm in a nice house with lots and lots of little babies and a good husband and career. Lots of money and success. Possibly some presteege. Also the husband will be clean and Christian (But that's mostly mom). I will be close to them and all the other little ones. Oh and vote republican.

Mine:

Where I will Live

In (Preferably) a small cottage, on a small to medium farm somewhere that's not Texas, farming some vegetables and fruits and some trees or melons or vines would be nice too. Perhaps enough to make a profit in a farmers market but at least enough to even out the cost of maintaing it. I've always liked eating fresh fruits and veggies.

Also on this farm I'd like to have some chickens and bees for fresh eggs and honey.

Really I'd like to be as self sustaining as possible. Solar panels and all. I'd have a little pond for fish if it wasn't so much. I might eventually but in my plans for now, no fish pond.

Also on this farm I will have an Irish Wolfhound named Pillage. If I get a second one I'll name them Plunder

Why?

Well besides being absolutely adorable, Wolfhounds are incredibly intelligent. You can train them with just your tone of voice, and they have a remarkable memory. Also they are incredibly loyal and good with kids.

They were used as dogs of war and after a long day of killing and tearing men apart limb from limb they would go home and curl up with the kids by the fire and watch them and sleep at the foot of their beds. They are huge dogs, I met one and his nose was in my ribs, but they don't eat much. They don't binge they just eat what they need and then go on with their day. They apparently don't need that much space to be happy.

Also I love horses. The light race horses are nice and all and I like going fast and racing the wind and that lovely feeling of flying, but nothing compares to a good heavy draft horse. My favorite breed are the Shier horses.

They're huge.

And beautiful.

And mine will be named after a Hobbit. Most likely Samwise Gamgee. I love Sam, he is my favorite Hobbit.

I would use mine to pull a cart around or plow, but also to ride. I will most likely do bare back, and if I can train him/her to be rode with out a bridle as well, and just go by the tug on the mane I would be so happy.

It dose not hurt a horse to have their mane tugged on, pulled on mercilessly probably, but tugged on no.

The last mostly outdoor/outdoor animal is a trained Barn Owl.

Have you ever petted a barn owl? It's like petting fluffy air. I've also always wanted my falconers license, but most of the falcons you don't keep, as part of a preservation for nature thing. At least that's how it works with, I believe, the red falcons. People care for them for the first year where they're most likely to die and then release them.

Nothing against that. I'd love to participate in that, but I'd like a bird of prey to stay with me and sit on my shoulder, and all that.

Who I shall Wed

At this point in my life I will mary Lee and Ali.

Mother would not approve. Dad probably wouldn't as well but not nearly as much as Mother dear's hell fire rage. You'd think I was sprinting to hell for an orgy or something.

Sometimes in Poly relationships theres a primary, meaning that for person A their person B comes before all others. I don't do this, Ali doesn't ether. Lee hasn't ever been in a poly relationship before, but I'm pretty sure I'm his primary. He's also not seeing anyone else so there's that too.

Still there are no two people that I would rather have in my life forever. And they seem to like me too so always a plus~!

Poor Ali thou, she's from a tiny family (2 kids with her dad, 3 with her mom). Lee has about 14 if I remember correctly and I have 10. Lee and mine's idea of a good size for a family, not to big not to small is 6. All the blood drains from Ali's face when we say this.

It's something that will be discussed further down the rode.


Job

Really I want my books that I write to take off enough that I don't have to do anything else. I'll have my etsy for some small bonuses, and I'd like to be a masusse/hot stone therapist as well.

There is a camp I want to open five years down the rode from now that's a post on it's own.

But as far as a career job job I'd like to do sport therapy with special needs kids.

It's something I knowtsied with myself that I focus best and am usawaly happiest outside doing someting. Soccer team might be hard to get enough to start with but things like ridding, Archery, things that can be done alone or in a group.

But I really want to be abul to do that for nearly free. A lot of times the families are already tied buy prescriptions and therapies. So I really really want my books to take off.

And then not have to have a career. That would be nice. Then everything I do will be because I want to do it not because I need money.

Religion and other tidbits

None of us are that chruchy. Mom has become super churchy, but I must say it doesn't transfer over. Christian yes. In the pew every Sunday...not so much.

Voting...I will vote for who I think is the most qualified and like this race it could end up being third party. Librarian, gun rights and gay rights!


That's about it.

My parents and I still love each other but oh my are there things I don't bother to tell them. The farm part is probably okay...the wed and job part...weeeellll. And we don't talk politics at all. It's just a bad idea.

Anyone else have a dream? Want a tinny house? Farm?

Draw me like one of your French Girls

So I'm broke.

Like a small glass Christmas tree ornament thrown off of the Empire State building broke, and this was something I'd always wanted to try before.

Naked modeling.

Yup.

Me.

Nude infront of a group of strangers who will see everything in only a way artists can. That is ether very good or very bad.

I finally got my brake this last week, and I'm very glad it was for Ali's class.

Apparently I looked very confidant and not at all nervous as I got up on that little stage in the middel. Oh no. Oh nonono, but thank you Ali for believing me so fearless. I was so nervous.

There is something absolutely terrifying and something very empowering about standing naked as a wee babe in front of a group of people.

I did my first pose facing Ali, and pretended that everyone else didn't exist. It was a three minute pose as they drew me with ink and brushes. With in the first two minuets I got over being embarrassed.

Everyone was nice, the music they had put on was really good and you know what, when else will it be okay for me to be nude in front of people? Live a little.

So I had fun with it. My first pose had been a marching bad stretch, then I did a 'ta-da' with spirit fingers. A knock of of thriller. An Archer's stance. A back/shoulder stretch. A crouching hunter thingy. A backbend.

And then a brake, where I got to hop off the stand and walk around and peek at the ink drawings. I wrapped in the blanket I had around me so I wasn't flouncing to much about naked.

Well I remembered that the first time. After that every one was relaxed an joking around enough that me popping up next to them with nothing on didn't bother anyone.

The last two were 15 minuets each and were sitting.

The last one I couldn't stop giggaling. My hair was tickling me. I was facing Ali at the time and apparently she got a lot of complements on how she got my smile.

The hearts over the parts

Sexuality is like a bunch of Skittle Chickens. Each one is beautiful and unique down to the very chicken that's colored. What I define as my sexuality I've already been told by many that it doesn't exist.  That I'm really just bi and should stop trying to be sepecal or that I'm really straight, and have been fooled in to thinking I could possibly like girls. Pan isn't a real sexuality and you can't be one thing leaning another, so the fact that I say I'm leaning Demi is absoulty propostours.

But you see even if you group all of the little pan blue chicks together and all of the little yellow straight chicks together and all of the little purple asexual chicks together, and the little green gay chicks and the little orange bi chicks and the pink chicks who are forever confused like my friend Juliette you haven't grouped together a bunch of identical chicks. Yes they are all the same cute fluffy color but that dosn't meen that bi chick named Bill won't mostly go for girls or that the straight chick named Patty isn't open to maybe trying something out with another girl chick. There again there's Pam who will only date, love and have sex with boy chicks thank you. All are acceptable. 

Okay, here are the nitty gritty definitions of my three love search bars I suppose you could call them? Pansexual, Dimisexual, and Polyamory. 

How they work to me is as fallows, with adorable pictures for each:

Pansexual/Dimisexual:

Gender doesn't matter. Looks don't mean anything on how attracted I am to you. So it really doesn't matter if your male, female, gender queer, male and female, nothing at all, transgender. It truly doesn't matter to me. The soiatal standers of beauty are screwy anyway. If I love you you are the most beautiful/handsome person I have ever seen.
This works on the flip-side as well. Ali has stretch marks, and I always thought they were some of the coolest things ever and called them tiger stripes...because well they look like white tiger stripes. They're beautiful.

I saw someone else with stretch marks that I just down right despised and I clearly remember thinking that it looked like a parasite was festering and breading inside him causing him to rot away.

I have to be atracted to you as a person before your body will do anything for me at all. Look at it this way. Apparently many people find Tony Stark attractive. I'm sorry. No matter how much he grew as a person in the Avengers, Iron Man and Iron Man II really just killed any chance I would ever find him good looking. To much of an ass.


Now I've heard that some Dimi's just don't get anything at all from looking at a body, even if it is someone they are attracted to emotionally that inhabits said body; also from what I gather Pan usawaly or at least in many cases means you can also be atracted to a person's body.  I'm in that little place in the middle.

Thus why I say Pan with a Dimi leaning.

Gender doesn't matter, and it truly is what's on the inside that counts for me. Even people like Thor, Hawkeye, Aragorn, Syrena, Charlie's Angels, Or any of these other people that I don't know the names of. I can see that, yes, they are attractive, but I am not attracted to them. I don't know them. As odd as it sounds I just don't like them. Not even crush. Or fantisize. I don't know them...so I just don't.

Once I am attracted to you...good golly you can be one of the most attractive people I have ever seen. Ali and Lee both can just...I don't know how, but just look so...so...thought stopingly fantastic, and sexy, and amazing and beautiful, and handsome all at once.

Also sometimes I just get turned on by how they look.

Let me tell you they can look veeerrryyy good.

Like "Oh...hello there..." good.

So their bodies do something for me, believe me they do, but only because I already love them.

Am I making sense? 

Now for Polyamory:

It's not about sex, or not getting enough of XYZ from ether Ali or Lee, because they are both more amazing than I could have ever dreamed. It's more like there isn't a little love bottle that has the sole amount of love that I can ever give.

This bottle, as cute as it is, dose not exist for me. The way I see it is that I can love multiple people at the same time and it doesn't mean that I love any of my wonderful loves any less. There's a beautiful amount of vulnerability and trust and open honestly that comes with a poly relationship. It, for me, is about love and not getting more sex or dates or XYZ.

Yes I have sex, but as of now only with Ali. Lee and I aren't that far along, and we just may not be engaging in the sexy times. That is something Lee and I will work out, and should we decide to engage in the sexy times, Ali will be aware. We've already discussed it me and her and she is okay with me doing what ever I am okay with from hand holding to handcuffs and all in-between, just keep her in the loop. Not a play by play, I just don't do that, and that's me. But something like "Hay, last night Lee and I made love and it was really nice." or "Last night/whenever, we did **activity**"

Lee is aware that Ali and I are active and is okay with that. There's no hiding anything. 

Yes I may get more dates than the average 20something woman but, that's just a nice side effect. 

Also just because I'm polly, dose not mean that I am out to just date about. Lee has already told me that he's not sure he is okay with multiple males and would rather I didn't date another man. This isn't any controlling, block or anything. This is comunication. Lee isn't okay with multiple men and me loving multiple men, so I won't date multiple men. 

(Also Lee is just fantastic, I don't think I'd even meet another man that could even come in spitting distance.)

Ali doesn't mind multiple woman and neither dose Lee, and just because they date me doesn't meen they date each other. It's different for every polly couple or group or person. Even in our lovely trio. 

As for how it works well:

Ali is polly = "JR you may date as many as you wish so long as you are happy/healthy and I still have quality time with you. I love you, keep me posted." 

I (JR) am polly = "Ali and Lee, you may go date and find love where and how you wish. Keep me posted, and ask first how I feel about them too please, but over all, go have fun."

Lee is = "I love you, I don't know if I'm polly, but I shall be opened minded. Please don't date other men."

That's the short hand at least.

If you're still confused here is another way I can explain it: 

Ali is the hamster clinging to the plant, I am the one with the flower, Lee is the one on the log. Ali is happy for me when I find other people I love, as am I for her. (She dated a very lovely woman for a while and was very happy.) Ali encourages I go out and after people I find attractive, sometimes to the point of walking up and telling them that I have a crush on them like she did once before. 

Lee has just been monogamous, to my knowledge, up to this point. He is happy I have Ali, "Why would I be upset that other people find you as wonderful as I do," and we both are incredibly happy we have each other. He is keeping an open mind, and there are people out there who are okay with dating someone who is polly but are not polly themselves and that's okay. He may be polly. It's up to him.

I am in the middle. Very happy with my two wonderful loves and okay if they find other loves, and okay if things stay the way they are.

Am I clear? Sometimes explaining these things can be difficult. If not feel free to ask questions and I will gladly answer them. 

also none of these photos, as cute as they are belong to me.

The story of Ali and Lee

So hate to disappoint anyone out there holding out for the fairy-tail no problems ever story, or the lesbian girl get's in straight girls pants and magically turns her gay story, or the lesbian turned straight by prince charming story or the wild porno story.

Yeah none of that happened.

What did happen thou in my opinion is far better because it was real and full of loves and snuggles.

It starts out much before Ali thou. I was ridding back in the car with Mom from my high school and I looked at her and said "I think I have a crush on a girl. Her name is Femmy and she's smart and funny and so pretty and––,"
"You don't have a crush on her, you're confusing admiration for something else."

And I argued for maybe a moment more then quit and took her word for it. After all she was older and I still bought into the Mom knows all. I was stright. Why not I know I could be attracted to boys and that they didn't have cooties. Straight was less trouble and less arguing. I dated a very nice young man for almost two years, and then broke up. A few months later went to Hollins.

Enter Ang.

Ang and I were in a circle of friends that were very close and I found my self with another 'admeration' for a woman. Little did I know she had a crush on me as well. Long story short it didn't go anywhere. I thought she was to traditional and would never like me that way. She thought I was too straight and catholic and would never like her that way. She left Hollins later that year and is now engaged to a wonderful man she loves and we're still good friends.

Center stage Ali

So Ali and I became very good best friends. Lots of platonic snuggles and cuddles. Well one day we were snuggaling and I asked her to teach me how to kiss.
Yes.
That is how I broke the ice.
Not "I think you're cute. Lets go down town to that hotdog place." or anything like that but "Can you teach me how to kiss?"

And we liked it.
so we did it again.
and again
and again
and again
and never told anyone.

We didn't want to. Everyone had been teasing and telling us that we would both end up dating and then were rather rude about it when we said "No we're just best friends. And we're straight."We were. We identified as straight so there for we were. Also the 'gay-er' we acted in privet the straighter we felt. There wasn't a sudden urge to go kiss the female population of the world. We would joke around and sing "you are the only aception..." to each other.

And then we both started thinking and it very slowly came to be "you are that other aception."

Yeah.

but we knew we weren't gay. We like guys. After much talking and deep thought we decided we weren't straight, but we wern't gay. Ali is bi and I'm pan, leaning demi. About a year later we came out to our friends in privet, and then several months after that we just started showing affection in public like cheek kisses and quick kisses on the lips but only when family wasn't even thinking of being around. We are still not ready for parents to know.

For awhile it was Ali and me. Then this past summer I got a job for the BSA.

Enter Lee.

First of watching him shoot is like watching a god. Just saying.
Anyway.
I was a first year out there, and apparently earned the tittle of badass. (I like hard labor. It;s good thinking work and you feel wonderful when it's done.) I got to teach archery, but had never taught a merit badge class before. Lee came over to help me and I spent a class watching him and how he did it. I fell for Lee pretty quick but didn't say anything. I was at a BSA camp. the Boy Scouts of America is not well known for their acceptance of the Queer Community. Not that I thought he would go spread it around or anything like that. I trusted him to keep my secret that I was pan and currently dating a woman. (I was not open at all about my love life. As far as anyone besides my tent mate knew I was single and just not looking...also most of the other staffers there were all jail-baite and I like staying out of jail and not being creepy.) I trusted him but I had already forged a good friendship with him and did not want anything to change that.

Little did I know that he liked me too.

He had told me once but I thought he'd meant as a friend.
Hi I'm JR and things fly over my head.
And that's not the only thing that flew over my head.
"If you beat me in archery I'll take you out to dinner."
He ment it as asking me out. I took it at the face value of a bet.

Now there were a few people I had come out to. Mostly the few other female staffers. The important one in this part of the story is Kitty. Kitty seemed pretty fascinated with the idea of being polly and pan and asked alot of questions and I was more than happy to answer them. She promised she wouldn't tell and she was far from judgeing. It was wonderful.

Well Lee asked Kitty about me and she told him. She'd known him for a long time and well I'll still throw something at her for it but probably more the size of a washer than a rock. She did that on week two I belive. Two or three. He found out about Ali and even thou I was polly he didn't want to accidentally mess up something I already had so he didn't say anything other than the bet.

Now I thought it was just a bet. And I beet him with a score of 63 the first time. and we went out to dinner. and I thought that was the end of it.
nope.
When I beet him again with a score of 99-98 and then again with 112-111 I got dinner.
My tent mate and I were using all our womanly skills to get to the bottom of this. It was really just her singing "Heeee liiikes yooou" and me saying, "There's no way it has to be something else....you really think so?" and Ali on the phone, "He obviously likes you back, go kiss him already!"

The powers of female logic.

Well it's the last week of camp, on the last night off, it's my birthday, shooting sports and aquatics have gotten together in the traditional party on a beach off camp. The party was really fun, they surprised me with cake. the sand was soft, the food was good, the cake was delicious.  It was just a good time all around. Every one under 21 had to be back at camp before midnight so all us non-drinking age staffers got in the van and Lee drove us back. He dropped the guys off at their side of the camp and was driving me to the far corner where female staff stays. It was my birthday. Just us in the car. Why not.

So I took a deep breth. "I like you."
"...okay?"
silence for a moment, as we pulled up next the female hideaway I looked at him, "When I said I liked you. I ment I liked you liked you. Well goodnight!"

Next day at the range.

Lee: "I was really tiered last night, so I might have miss heard. What was the last thing you said before you ran away?"
Me: "I didn't run I skipped!"
Lee: "Before you frolicked away. What did you say?"
Me: "That I like you."
Lee: "...You sure took your time telling me."
Me: "Well you didn't say anything."
Lee: "I asked you out to dinner!"
Me: "When....oooooohhhh." *faceplam*

We danced around in conversations figuring out what we were to each other for a few days before settling into ourselves and it's been wonderful since then.

We got to go out on three dates after camp and before I left for school. Once out to the arboretum at night to see these wacky glass sculptures. Once to go out shooting. Once to go to the zoo and then meet his family.

So that is the tail of Ali, Lee, and me.