Scared I won't be abel to make enough to stay at Hollins.
Scared that the crap that seems to fallow me like a lost puppy will become to much for Ali and she'll leave me one day.
Scared of getting stuck in Texas.
Scared of my family.
Scared that they won't show to my graduation or wedding.
Scared that I will fail.
To scared to ask for help sometimes, usually because it's in front of people I don't know.
They come and go, but today was just rough in a few spots. spread out enough to make it the length of the day, but not close enough to really clue anyone, including me, in till the end when it all just boiled over. I sobbed in Ali's arms for what felt like an hour. We eventually reached the verdict that things would be better in the morning and I should just go to bed, so she kissed me good night and went back to her room. I do feel better after crying it out, because I know that I can do things. I can handle things, but damn it all I am allowed to brake down from time to time and just bloody cry.
Sometimes that's all you feel you can do because it seems like you life is like squirrels dueling to the death with light-sabers.
As amazed as I would be to see the Hollins squirrels do that, it sucks when it feels like President Snow's squirrely amusement is what is deciding the factors of my life.
I will make the payment this semester. And the one after that. And the one after that. One way or another.
Ali and I are strong enough together to withstand any crap, bull shit, or hard time. We both know we don't have a fairy tail love story. What we have is real. It's been hard, at times down right shitty. But nothing has ever felt more real than standing by her, holding her, and being stood by and held.
I will not go back to Texas anytime soon to live and if I do it will be for a very good resin and it will not be 'stuck'. Like holy-shit-this-job-is-amazing-beyond-words resin.
Not having my family there like they used to be is pretty shitty but it's also made me realize how much I can stand on my own. I can even sing and dance.
I can't control what they do. I accept that. They will get the invitation but I can't make them come.
I will fall but by the fact that I refuse to stay down I will never fail.
This will take work. I can be incredibly shy sometimes with no rhyme or resin. Very soft spoken. Ali suggested I just text her then when I need to talk so I don't have to say it in front of people. I think I'll do that.
I know that I will brake down again. Not soon, as it dosn't happen often. But one day I will just need to cry and be held, but that's okay. We all brake down from time to time and it never means we are week, it doesn't even mean we're strong. It means we're human.
And being human is always easier when you have an Angel of a love to hold you.
When you are 'in the thick of it', it is harder to remember to step back and be patient. Break down if you need to. Just remember not to lose yourself to your emotions or to not loose faith. every life and relationship has their ups and their downs. It is hard to remember that a not so geat moment isnt forever, and it doesnt define your life or relationship as a whole.
ReplyDeleteI see from reading your blog, and Mr. Garners as well, you are dedicated, loving and caring, even if times can be rough. As much as you share the not so great moments, find the desire to share the great moments. Those in your life who love you do not judge you Jasmin, even if they dont get it at that moment. They will understand and be there for you, They make you laugh and feel happy. You are very loved and very supported.
you have to let go of the past. Although there are sad moments that have occured in your life and relationships, dont play the role of victim not even to circumstance. You chose to be with each other and love. As much as anything remember THAT in the future. But also love yourself and remember that is why we keep on moving forward with our lives. Be proud that you are doing it. That you are going through it through the stress you will be stronger for it. At times we all seem to fumble, to act blindly, selfishly or speak and act in frustration. As humans we dont have a handbook. Instead we have each other, our faults, our strengths and our passion for life and for each other. It doesnt always feel great, but the fact that it keeps moving forward is beautiful. I dont remember who said it but "life its self is a love story be happy to have a lead role in it and to have each other and others as co-stars".
I appreciate you allowing me to share what I see as the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. Good luck with everything and keep growing.
Thank you. And to you as well
Delete