Scared I won't be abel to make enough to stay at Hollins.
Scared that the crap that seems to fallow me like a lost puppy will become to much for Ali and she'll leave me one day.
Scared of getting stuck in Texas.
Scared of my family.
Scared that they won't show to my graduation or wedding.
Scared that I will fail.
To scared to ask for help sometimes, usually because it's in front of people I don't know.
They come and go, but today was just rough in a few spots. spread out enough to make it the length of the day, but not close enough to really clue anyone, including me, in till the end when it all just boiled over. I sobbed in Ali's arms for what felt like an hour. We eventually reached the verdict that things would be better in the morning and I should just go to bed, so she kissed me good night and went back to her room. I do feel better after crying it out, because I know that I can do things. I can handle things, but damn it all I am allowed to brake down from time to time and just bloody cry.
Sometimes that's all you feel you can do because it seems like you life is like squirrels dueling to the death with light-sabers.
As amazed as I would be to see the Hollins squirrels do that, it sucks when it feels like President Snow's squirrely amusement is what is deciding the factors of my life.
I will make the payment this semester. And the one after that. And the one after that. One way or another.
Ali and I are strong enough together to withstand any crap, bull shit, or hard time. We both know we don't have a fairy tail love story. What we have is real. It's been hard, at times down right shitty. But nothing has ever felt more real than standing by her, holding her, and being stood by and held.
I will not go back to Texas anytime soon to live and if I do it will be for a very good resin and it will not be 'stuck'. Like holy-shit-this-job-is-amazing-beyond-words resin.
Not having my family there like they used to be is pretty shitty but it's also made me realize how much I can stand on my own. I can even sing and dance.
I can't control what they do. I accept that. They will get the invitation but I can't make them come.
I will fall but by the fact that I refuse to stay down I will never fail.
This will take work. I can be incredibly shy sometimes with no rhyme or resin. Very soft spoken. Ali suggested I just text her then when I need to talk so I don't have to say it in front of people. I think I'll do that.
I know that I will brake down again. Not soon, as it dosn't happen often. But one day I will just need to cry and be held, but that's okay. We all brake down from time to time and it never means we are week, it doesn't even mean we're strong. It means we're human.
And being human is always easier when you have an Angel of a love to hold you.