Well let's get started on the hows and the whys shall we. And for all of you who get the tittle reference well you're 20% cooler now.
So I'm gay. After all the years of denying it to myself and to others, I admit it. I am a Lesbian. Right now it still kinda sucks because I just ended it with the most amazing man in the world, so as comfortable as I am with myself, and as much as I know it was best, I can't say I'm to happy with my self just yet. I know I will be eventually but right now it's still raw on my end and I can only imagine what it must be like for Lee.
So lets get started in high school, that's about when the *oh look at all the other attractive people* started. I as said before crushed on Femmy. She was smart, pretty, and was a very good author. Mom said no I wasn't and I shut up about it and somehow managed to ignore the part of my brain that said "look at all the pretty girls, don't they look lovely?" I ignored, somehow, how much I wanted to do the sorta things seen in movies between guys and girls with another girl.
I had one official boy friend. I met him freshman year by being set up on a blind date to cotillion with him and then later I asked him out to the homecoming dance our junior year. He was actually a lot like Lee. Very sweet. Very old fashion. Very much wanted to spend time with me, he even joined the guard to do so. Very good with written words.
We dated for about a year and a half. In that time we had brief fleeting kisses and never really moved past that. It took about a year for me to come to terms that the mystical majical 'spark' that supposedly drive a new relationship wasn't there. That the feelings my friends described having for their boyfriends I just didn't have. When I admitted that Nathaniel and I just hadn't made out and had been dating for at that time over a year she stared at me open mouthed, "What have you been doing all this time!?" To witch I responded "Uh, taking it slow I suppose."I broke it off with him two thirds of the way through our senior year. Not ready to admit who I wanted but unable to deny that it wasn't working.
And then ignored how much I wanted to start something up with one of my closest friends. She is still one of my closest friends, and has a wonderful boy friend that she loves and is very happy with him. I ignored how much all through high school I just wasn't into guys. I told my self that it was just because high school boys were all idiots and when I dated Nathaniel I had snagged the one good one. When I broke it off with him it wasn't that I didn't care about him. I did still love him. But I knew that it wasn't the love that everyone talked, and wrote, and made movies over. It was like the love between Mary and Pippin. Or Frodo and Sam. Brotherly, close friendship love. You'd go everywhere from Gondor to Mount Doom for them but your not looking to steal kisses and snuggles when the Fellowship isn't looking.
Because I couldn't like girls. Mom had said so. And people didn't just like girls. To be honest for a while I considered just being a spinster. Just not deal with it.
My fondness for the female body had nothing to do with me picking Hollins as a school but not a day has gone by that I haven't been thankful for the sisterhood I found here and that I haven't fallen even more in love with the Green and Gold. The most relevant parts about Hollins for this post are was how far away it was from parental influence, and how supportive it was. Here for the first time I had the space to think for my self. Truly for my self with my own devices. I have yet to find a more loving community than that of the Hollins women. One of us could stand up in Moody and yell to the heavens our sexuality and/or gender identity and the rest of Moody if they reacted at all it would be in apualse or hugs or some people yelling "Me too!"
So as stated before, freshman year I fell for Ang, one of my friends. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and well single. I wanted her. Not possessively or anything, but I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to kissed her nose in such a way that she would giggle and blush and call me silly. I wanted to hold her as I feel asleep with her all ready snoozing in my arms. I wanted to kiss her.
I felt away that I could never describe feeling for a guy. Not by any stretch.
I didn't prasue her because I thought that she was too old fashion and wouldn't return my feelings. I valued our friendship so much that I was content to just day dream of snuggles and be there for her how she wanted me. Turned out that she wasn't a natural shade of pink that I always saw her in and wanted me too but didn't say anything because she thought I was too Catholic and all that. As said before she now has a wonderful loving feance and I am very happy for them. I crushed on sevral women.
Then Ali. Beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented as a goddess, snuggly as a stuffed animal, loving Ali. This parts runs a lot like when I found out I was pan, or at least I thought I was pan. Baby steps. Baby steps.
For awhile I was just straight with the exception of my Angel Ali. With Ali I had that drive. I actively tried to get closer physicly. With Ali I finally got what everyone was talking about. I understood the need to be close to someone. The need to keep them safe. The need to let them explore. The need for aspirin because it can all be so confusing and overwhelming. The need to just be there for them how ever they let you be there. With Ali we snuck kisses when the Fellowship wasn't looking. With Ali everything was better even when we had fights. It's this indescribable feeling, that is still strong for me. Very strong. Despite the fact that now we don't sneak around for kisses, being out on campus, and the pressure from my Mom to not become the faithless dyke she thinks I will be.
I'm not a dyke, and I'm not a fem. I don't really fit any stereotype that I can really think of as far a personality goes. I'll dress up every now and then to see the look on Ali's face or just to be cute. I go roll in the mud, and do hard labor and actually enjoy it. I play with legos, I played with barbies. I see your box and I burn it to the ground.
Back on topic.
You all know of Lee. When I started things with him I identified as Pan. I thought I was. I was still working through the emotions and desires I had. I loved him, and I still do care for him as a person but on the same level that I care for a close friend. I enjoyed his company and I liked the time spent together but it felt very much like Nathaniel. It just didn't have a drive on my end, and to keep it going would have been cheating both of us.
Maybe later I'll have more on that. Not right now.
Eropaen decent if that counts for anything).
I am a Lesbian. And you know what, I'm okay with that now.
I am a Lesbian. And you know what, I'm okay with that now.