Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Bring out the Sonic Rainbooms!

Well let's get started on the hows and the whys shall we. And for all of you who get the tittle reference well you're 20% cooler now. 

So I'm gay. After all the years of denying it to myself and to others, I admit it. I am a Lesbian. Right now it still kinda sucks because I just ended it with the most amazing man in the world, so as comfortable as I am with myself, and as much as I know it was best, I can't say I'm to happy with my self just yet. I know I will be eventually but right now it's still raw on my end and I can only imagine what it must be like for Lee. 

So lets get started in high school, that's about when the *oh look at all the other attractive people* started. I as said before crushed on Femmy. She was smart, pretty, and was a very good author. Mom said no I wasn't and I shut up about it and somehow managed to ignore the part of my brain that said "look at all the pretty girls, don't they look lovely?"  I ignored, somehow, how much I wanted to do the sorta things seen in movies between guys and girls with another girl.

I had one official boy friend. I met him freshman year by being set up on a blind date to cotillion with him and then later I asked him out to the homecoming dance our junior year. He was actually a lot like Lee. Very sweet. Very old fashion. Very much wanted to spend time with me, he even joined the guard to do so. Very good with written words. 

We dated for about a year and a half. In that time we had brief fleeting kisses and never really moved past that. It took about a year for me to come to terms that the mystical majical 'spark' that supposedly drive a new relationship wasn't there. That the feelings my friends described having for their boyfriends I just didn't have. When I admitted that Nathaniel and I just hadn't made out and had been dating for at that time over a year she stared at me open mouthed, "What have you been doing all this time!?" To witch I responded "Uh, taking it slow I suppose."I broke it off with him two thirds of the way through our senior year. Not ready to admit who I wanted but unable to deny that it wasn't working. 

And then ignored how much I wanted to start something up with one of my closest friends. She is still one of my closest friends, and has a wonderful boy friend that she loves and is very happy with him. I ignored how much all through high school I just wasn't into guys. I told my self that it was just because high school boys were all idiots and when I dated Nathaniel I had snagged the one good one. When I broke it off with him it wasn't that I didn't care about him. I did still love him. But I knew that it wasn't the love that everyone talked, and wrote, and made movies over. It was like the love between Mary and Pippin. Or Frodo and Sam. Brotherly, close friendship love. You'd go everywhere from Gondor to Mount Doom for them but your not looking to steal kisses and snuggles when the Fellowship isn't looking. 

Because I couldn't like girls. Mom had said so. And people didn't just like girls. To be honest for a while I considered just being a spinster. Just not deal with it. 

My fondness for the female body had nothing to do with me picking Hollins as a school but not a day has gone by that I haven't been thankful for the sisterhood I found here and that I haven't fallen even more in love with the Green and Gold. The most relevant parts about Hollins for this post are was how far away it was from parental influence, and how supportive it was. Here for the first time I had the space to think for my self. Truly for my self with my own devices. I have yet to find a more loving community than that of the Hollins women. One of us could stand up in Moody and yell to the heavens our sexuality and/or gender identity and the rest of Moody if they reacted at all it would be in apualse or hugs or some people yelling "Me too!"

So as stated before, freshman year I fell for Ang, one of my friends. She was beautiful, smart, talented, and well single. I wanted her. Not possessively or anything, but I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to kissed her nose in such a way that she would giggle and blush and call me silly. I wanted to hold her as I feel asleep with her all ready snoozing in my arms. I wanted to kiss her. 

I felt away that I could never describe feeling for a guy. Not by any stretch. 

I didn't prasue her because I thought that she was too old fashion and wouldn't return my feelings. I valued our friendship so much that I was content to just day dream of snuggles and be there for her how she wanted me. Turned out that she wasn't a natural shade of pink that I always saw her in and wanted me too but didn't say anything because she thought I was too Catholic and all that. As said before she now has a wonderful loving feance and I am very happy for them.  I crushed on sevral women.

Then Ali. Beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented as a goddess, snuggly as a stuffed animal, loving Ali. This parts runs a lot like when I found out I was pan, or at least I thought I was pan. Baby steps. Baby steps. 

For awhile I was just straight with the exception of my Angel Ali. With Ali I had that drive. I actively tried to get closer physicly. With Ali I finally got what everyone was talking about. I understood the need to be close to someone. The need to keep them safe. The need to let them explore. The need for aspirin because it can all be so confusing and overwhelming. The need to just be there for them how ever they let you be there. With Ali we snuck kisses when the Fellowship wasn't looking. With Ali everything was better even when we had fights. It's this indescribable feeling, that is still strong for me. Very strong. Despite the fact that now we don't sneak around for kisses, being out on campus, and the pressure from my Mom to not become the faithless dyke she thinks I will be. 

I'm not a dyke, and I'm not a fem. I don't really fit any stereotype that I can really think of as far a personality goes. I'll dress up every now and then to see the look on Ali's face or just to be cute. I go roll in the mud, and do hard labor and actually enjoy it. I play with legos, I played with barbies. I see your box and I burn it to the ground. 

Back on topic. 

You all know of Lee. When I started things with him I identified as Pan. I thought I was. I was still working through the emotions and desires I had. I loved him, and I still do care for him as a person but on the same level that I care for a close friend. I enjoyed his company and I liked the time spent together but it felt very much like Nathaniel. It just didn't have a drive on my end, and to keep it going would have been cheating both of us. 

Maybe later I'll have more on that. Not right now. 

But I'm gay. I'm a Lesbian. I am a member of the rainbow flagged nation if you want to be real dramatic. Looking back now I can see me identifying as Pan and Demi was a way for me to rationalize that I could still like guys even when I didn't feel strong pulls towards any of them. I mean Demi to my understanding is not feeling a sexual disaier/attraction till a firm emotional bond is already there. But I do get that turned on, for lack of a better phrase, by girls I don't even know when I see them sometimes. I can apreacat how men are attractive but I'm not attracted to them. I want to be in a life long romantic/physical/lovy relationship with Ali, a woman. I just can't see myself doing it with a guy. Even if he is the best man on the planet, he is just isn't the guy for me. There is no guy for me because well, I'm Gay (and of Eropaen decent if that counts for anything).

I am a Lesbian. And you know what, I'm okay with that now. 

16 comments:

  1. Aww this is so sad I was really rooting for you guys. wounds can run deep better to remove the bandaid quick than let it fester rinse well with communication apply friends cover with support and repeat as necessary tell healed

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    1. Yeah, it was one of the harder conversations of my life, but it was for the best and better sooner than later.

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  2. Wow what a revelation and good for you. Hope Ali knows how you feel. Also that every one is taking it well. You three ARE RARE and AMAZING people open and honest to one another and sharing how you feel. I know ending things with anyone can be tuff and from what you've said from your first few posts to now you really care about this man and he about you. It's good knowing and excepting how you feel. That you can only imagine how he's feeling makes me think he's not sharing as our boys often have trouble doing. Bottling things up or denying how you feel and just not sharing isn't healthy and is what leads to things like outrage depression and suicides. Make sure all of you keep support close while you are feeling raw. And if you think he is having trouble sharing or you're worried about how he is dealing with his feelings it's just because you care and that's good to. Don't be afraid to think about him. You shared something spacial and so will alway be part of what make each of you who you are. If you get too worried about him thou just ask a friend or family member of his to check in on him. Just try not doing it yourself that can often times make it hard for guys to open up or for you to let go. Once more now, good for you.

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    1. We called and talked last night, so he's doing better after getting to talk. We are still remaining friends, just taking it slow and finding out new spots in each other's lives

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  3. I see your box and I burn it to the ground.

    I love this line <3 It should be a song. A sassy, sassy, song.

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    1. I shall get started on that song for you. It may take a while and a few musically talented friends.

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  4. Hello JR. Some people, even you may see what I'm doing right now by reading your blog and talking to you, as counter productive. You mean to much to me to not, but rarely talk or spend time together. That's what I have with past girlfriends and in fact like all the friends I have. I really don't want what we have to fall back and become like all the others. I know it feels like we have a long ways to go before we can think of each other the way we need it to be. I don't know what I want and need to say or do to get there but I hope we can do it, and I really hope it's together. You've said you want to stay friends and that close friends plus a little is all we've been tell now. Looking back I do see it now. Like I said, what we have is far beyond any friendship I have ever had. You will always be the first person I've been this close to. The first person I've talked and shared so deeply with. That will always hold special meaning to me. I've been reading and thinking the past few days on the bast way to stay friends and work through this. Our relationship was new to me, and a friendship like this will be to. I would like anyone reading this blog to know I'm having a hard time trying to be the man she's seen in me. That's shown through since I've been around her. I'm not doing very well at it I know. I really need to get these hard feelings out there. You JR, beautiful, wonderful amazing JR, have been a monument of kindness and strength to me. More so than I had any right to ask of a person. Like I, and past blog posts, have said she has and knows she has been a lot of firsts for me. She has been very kind in helping me with how I feel. Knowing that there's an outlet for her feelings like this, that she can put them out here and get feedback on them from readers and with Ali and the rest of her friends makes me happy. I'm touched we were able to talk on the phone last night. I hadn't talked to anyone about how I felt for her tell just a short time ago. Last nights talk helped give me my first nights sleep since she told me of her decision. I wouldn't say I was outraged, but I indeed felt very unhappy. It was and still is a hard shock. After talking with my tent mate from this past summer, the only one I've felt able to talk with so far. I see now that what we had was just a close friendship and that it was the caring about what and how the other was doing that made it so great. That it's not a change in how we feel or what we have been doing but the change in our interactions and that it's just change itself that is hard. I know I'm still feeling and showing depression. It'd be a lie to say giving up and ending it never crossed my mind, but I know that would just hurt you JR and every one I have ever cared about. Know I could never do that. After the talking I've done with you and my friend I want you to know I'm not having those thoughts or feeling and you don't need to worry. I know I can survive this and I feel silly now for ever having them. To anyone still reading this you should know. After being with JR I've come to realize a few things about myself and about my outlook on life. The big thing right now, And JRs input had a big part in this, is that I don't care what others see as normal anymore and that there's not really a standard of normal to be held to. She said it last night so well "feelings and emotions are not logical". This is true, but hard for me since most of what I think and feel goes on only in my head and never comes out. I was and I'm still not very good at talking like this, and even though I want and need to say it I'm stumbling. I'm a guy as every one's pointing out. Talking about feelings isn't what we, as a gender are normally known for. Thank you JR for being the one who helped me find myself and I really am glad now that I could help you to. I've grown so much with your help and I hope we can keep talking and helping each other.

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  5. Well then talk about poor advice giving you really are some rare and amazing people and I think you guys are going to be just fine but if I can try one more time I would suggest you keep talking to you other friend and try not to be to dependent on her. I can tell you I was never able to talk right after it often took weeks. From every thing you two are saying thou you sound like a sweet guy and she sound like a really sweet girl and if you're already talking again some then I think you're going to have good friends in each other for what I imagine will be long and happy lives and seeing such mature people after a break up really is rare let me tell you.

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    1. I know the advice given here has been meant for her (JR), but no it wasn't poor or wrong, everyone is just deferent in what they may need or think is best. I agree with y'all that in the long run it'll be better it happens this way, and our talk the other night helped me understand why it's happening the way it is. That because of it we will be able to have a good friendship with each other in the future. Like I've said if it's anything like it has been just talking and hanging out sometime, it will still be more than anything else I have or have ever had and that's special to me. I know what was and is being said is true. That she, in my eyes, is being more supportive than I should be asking. Yes I am being dependent on her for that support, but like I've said here and to her that I just can't talk to anyone else about some of what I'm going through. Like I said it makes me happy that she's getting this feedback and support on her end with what she's going through, and is alright with herself. I just wish I could be returning the support she's giving to me. I know she reads what I write and leave for her, she said it when we talked, and I hope hearing this from me is doing for her what it's doing for me. The talk she and I had the other night really did make me feel much better about everything and I hope it helped her a little to and the thought of more isn't just hurting for her. She truly is an amazing girl and JR I want you to know that, you really are. I wish I could talk to someone else and not be depending on you so much to listen. I did a little with my friend and the family. They just can't to me, without knowing what we've been talking about here or together for the past several months, things I'm both not sure they'd get and am just not ready to talk about with them, understand or feel what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong the talk with my friend did help. He's not her thou and just doesn't know every thing and I'm really just not able to say it. I am trying thou, not to put all my dependence on her. I'm just, like I said, no good at talking this way.

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    2. Really where did you find him and where can I get one? Lee you ARE a real sweet heart. You both are. You said you were still reading her posts. Well if it really helps then do it again and try not to knock yourself so much. It is clear you still care about her feelings and I'm sure she sees that. You said you are a guy and its difficult for you to normally get things out but you also said you don't care about the norm. Read the comments and reread yours especially. Remember that yes you are a guy a man a boy a male but just because you are doesn't mean you are sharing any less of yourself. Like I HAVE said I don't think I could be talking like the two of you are. After you read the post again see that she still cares about your feelings to and is trying to find a place to keep you in her life. So no feeling support from her this way on subjects you aren't ready to talk about with others yet is not really asking to much but you may have to wait a while to hear her tell you that tell SHE is ready too. Talk to your friend and to your family about what you feel you are able to for now. Or if you really can't at all and are just needing to get these feeling out there try starting your own blog sharing it then just keep writing like this if that works and reading what she has to say in her posts. It will let her keep track of how you are feeling and you can see how she is doing. Then when you two are able to talk more and start sharing these things with each other it'll be just that much easier and it IS telling her you care too and are offering her the support you want her to have from you. She's going through this to. Just maybe like you said in a different way and needs that same support. Believe me I have been not exactly but in general where you two are but there more than once in my life time. You guys will get through it.

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  6. Lee, as I said before I would like to be there for you, and I would like to support you, but right now I really do need time and space.

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    1. I know I made this very clear in our conversation the other night, and commenting like that is not respecting what I asked for. Please, I need time, and I need space.

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    4. I just can figure out what the heck to say here. To tell you I'm confused and not sure how to act. I'm trying to back off and be respectful I am. I took the advice and started a blog so you don't have hear from me at all tell you're ready If that's what you're asking. If it's that bad, again I didn't know, and I'm sorry. I'm just lost in thought over everything.

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  7. http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/

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