Thursday, October 25, 2012

Take Back The Night

It's take back the night here at Hollins. I'm not ready to tell my story in-front of live faces yet. Not that big a crowd. So I'll stay at my laptop and eat some whoppers and here is my story.


It was Freshman year, spring brake going back to the house and I was in the Memphis airport. It started out innocently enough. I forgot it was a friday in Lent and ordered ribs because who can go through Memphis and not order ribs? They were delishous. I was in my traveling clothes, sweat pants, tee shirt sneakers, baseball cap. You know comfy clothes.

Well a young man walked up and asked if he could sit with me to eat and I said yes. I would like to think I'm a friendly person and he seemed nice enough.

so we sat and we were talking.

And he kept asking about me.

Did I have a boy?

Did I ever date a boy like him? (A black man)

Did I like boys like him?

Did I like girls? (what the heck? I'd only said I was single and not looking at the moment. How is that insta-lesbian?)

Where was I going?

I could hardly understand him he had such a thick accent.I did manage to understand some parts of it where he said he worked for the airport. Had a lot of girls, and should I want to I could skip the flight and stay with him for a day...or week.


So I got up and went off to find my gate. But I was in a far corner of the airport, were there wasn't alot of people...and I suppose you could say I made a wrong turn. I went from a few other people to being alone.

There are three major stress responces. Fight. Flight. Freeze.

I froze like a rabbit. As if the dog that had shoved me againced the wall would forget I was there and walk away.

No he shoved my pants down, laughing at how I squeaked. And he shoved a finger up my ass.

I couldn't move. I just couldn't.

He told me I was cool because his other girls weren't that tight and they weren't as chill with it as I was. He joked about how I had gotten shit on his finger.

I said nothing. I grabed my bag and ran away. Half my mind was screaming that I had been raped, the other half was desperitly protesting, I hadn't said no, he hadn't shoved his dick up my vag. I couldn't be raped that couldn't happen. no not to me. please no. All of me had gone numb.

I found my gate and he found me and called his phone with mine. I was still to numb and shocked to protest him taking my phone from my pocket. He stayed with me till I got on the plane, but not before I had to give him a hug and promise to call him to stay with him if I was ever in town again. A promise I have every intention of shattering into thousand of tinny tinny pieces.

He texted me every morning and several times during the day for about a month and a half after that. Demanding I give him pictures. topless pictures.

Funny how when I freeze and can't talk I'm cool and beautiful and what ever else slithered out of his devil mouth, but when I say no I'm white trash and worthless and a bitch.

I stil have him in my address book incase he ever trys to call or text me again. I'll know to not answer.

It wasn't till last spring that I was able to call what had happened a rape, and then I would freak out every time Ali touched me for a weeks.

I felt so stupid, so weak, so pathetic.

Ali was so patient with me. Not even holding my hand until I had said I was okay with it. I had to have driven her crazy, climbing up the walls to get space one second and then sobbing and wanting to be held close and cuddled the next. I think I screamed at her once. I don't know how long we stayed celibate, but I would apologize for it and cry till Ali always very gently would hold me and tell me I never had to say sorry for things I wasn't comfortable with. It was okay. She loved me and she'd protect me and it was okay.

When we finally made love again, I was a very timid JR. But she looked at me and said "Jazy Reaves, just look right at me and remember I will never hurt you." And that bit about the moment I think I might not be okay to say something. We didn't get off that time, but I must say it is still one of my fondest memories. Just the love in her eyes as corny as that is, she had so much love in her eyes and how she held me, touched me.

She really is my Angel.

I'm better now. I still avoid Memphis when I can help it, and spend my time in the airport looking over my shoulder for him. But I took a Shock class and Kempo so next time it happens I won't freeze and I just might remove the dirty bastard's ability to hurt anyone else.

This is my story. Maybe one day I will be able to speak at take back the night.

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